Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The many stages of grief, dealing with the loss of Tom

After some deep meditative thoughts and some soul searching I have accepted the Brady injury. Yes, I know its an about face from the post that went up yesterday. For the past two days, my life was utter shit, the football season was ruined, and I sulked every time the Patriots were brought up. But something changed in me, it might have been the enlightening article by Pimp, or some of my friends/commenters who had genuine concern about my safety. I have now learned to accept it, and have come back to Mass Hysteria to share my wisdom with you all. To best understand the process you must understand your own journey through grief. As a trained counselor (no seriously I am), I will help you get through this.

1. Denial: Most of us were in this phase after the initial hit by Bernard Pollard. The first initial reaction of OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED was quickly calmed by our sense of denial. After watching his knee contort and buckle we watched Brady leave the field and our first thought was "No way, he is walking he'll back in the game after half time". This was some small minor injury that our heroic QB would easily come back from. Even after the game, many of us still refused to believe that Brady was still hurt, holding out some sort of hope that it was just a sprain and nothing more. He would be back in 2-4 weeks right?

2. Anger: Kansas City safety Bernard Pollard was an easy target as everyone and their mother blamed him for a "dirty hit". Please, it was pretty clear that Sammy Morris blocked him into Brady and it was accidental. People in Brady Loss Stage 2 probably struck something or someone. You might have come close to punching a hole in your television set, or pulling a Brett Myers and beating the snot out of your significant other. Hopefully that wasn't the case, and is shards of glass or spending the nex 3-6 months in jail really worth it? Personally I just screamed obscenities and drank a rack of beer and that seemed to work fine. But that only helped me to forget about the problem, and left me hung over as shit the next day for work.

3. Bargaining:Most of this occurred if you had believe in some sort of spirtual deity, god/goddess or half man half goat creature. You might have tried to make some sort of unholy pact with the devil like "Look if Tom Brady can come back from this injury I will let you impregnate my girlfriend with the spawn of Satan", or you could have prayed to God "Dear God, I know there is plenty of suffering in the world, but right now I am suffering the most, can you please ignore the starving children in Sudan and fix the knee of my favorite professional athlete?". Once you realize that God is a Colts fan, and Satan roots for the Raiders you realize its time to move on.

4. Depression:To be honest this was the phase I was in yesterday when I wrote the piece about Brady. I was bummed, big time thinking what the hell is the point. Everything seemed hopeless, our star quarterback was down the rest of the league was laughing at us. Everything turned to black, I almost started listening to Emo music, and cutting my thigh as a way to cope. Well almost, actually not really. It was this point that myself along with alot of other people gave up on this season. We expected the worst, Matt Cassel to be complete shit, losing to basically everyone, and giving up on the season. You were lucky that you had no gun in your house at this point because it was dark days indeed. But is being down and in the gutter and feeling like balls going to help you get through the season? It might for a Cardinals fan, as you see that there might be hope you visualize a different ending then the dark bleak one that has haunted you...

5. Acceptance: Calm peaceful oceans, dancing ponies and leprechauns and nothing more to fear as you reach Brady Loss Stage 5: Acceptance. We have finally accepted that Matt Cassel is going to be the man that will make or break the Patriots. He may have a rough season, but what the heck the fun of football is beating the odds, so lets do it. If you are Bob Ryan you skipped all the other stages and proceeded immediately to this step. That is only because he is truly an enlightened human being who can overcome news of a catastrophic injury because he is one with the energy of the world. Either that or he is an uptight douchebag who doesn't really give a shit about anything. No matter what Ryan thinks though there will be no excuses, I have come around. I realize now that this is THE NEW ENGLAND FUCKING PATRIOTS, we don't make excuses we win no matter what the situation. Its time to go balls to the wall and show the NFL what we are made of!

There you have it a sure fire way to get over the blues, get on with you life and prepare yourself for next weeks Patriot's game against the Jets. I feel refreshed, like I had just masturbated furiously but it wasn't working, then switched to some great porn and in the end boy was worth it. Matt Cassel you're my boy, you have earned my trust, and already I am getting excited for Sunday. Oh the joys of football.

And if that doesn't get you amped up....

AC/DC has a new album coming up.


GHABB,Y~! said...

"I feel refreshed, like I had just masturbated furiously but it wasn't working, then switched to some great porn and in the end boy was worth it."

I told you, crying girls getting pissed on will work every time.

Starting Aces said...

If I interpreted Scott Zolak correctly, the Pats will actually have a better year without Brady.

Rocco said...

Bills to win the East. Trust me.

Graham said...

I'm proud of you, HMLS. Way to pull yourself together. NOW Matt Cassel is your boy, huh? We'll see how long that lasts. You are still going to get some serious I-told-you-so's when the time comes, but I'm glad you are off the ledge.

smurphette said...

Once you realize that God is a Colts fan

I'd beg to differ, given what has happened to us in the playoffs over the last several years (Super Bowl XLI notwithstanding).