Wednesday, September 17, 2008

(Late) Breakfast With the Hysterics

• Josh Beckett’s three-hit, eight-inning performance last night ranked right up there with Samuel L. Jackson’s turn in “The Great White Hype” as one of the most epically wasted great performances in history. That’s because Justin Masterson, who was most certainly not Jamiacan Me Crazy, promptly loaded the bases in the ninth and then let up a game-winning hit to Boner Navarro for a 2-1 Rays walk-off victory. Luckily, I hear there's a boblsed team he can try out for. If I could take anything positive from last night’s loss, it’s that Beckett looked like the certified killer he was last Fall, and seems to be rounding into playoff form. That’s the good.

Now the bad. First off, the Sox’ feast-or-famine hitting philosophy is not exactly the stuff that World Series winners are made of, and if they’re fooled by the Andy Sonnanstines of the world, then John Lackey et al. could end up having a field day come October. Secondly, the momentum-building walk-off win probably did wonders for the Rays' confidence and psychological makeup, essential for such a young and untested team. Worst of all though, Mike Lowell seemed to aggravate his hip injury last night, and could be lost/limited for the playoffs. NOT GOOD. My brother’s girlfriend had surgery three months ago for the exact same injury, and only recently got off crutches. Before the surgery, every activity caused her pain, as you apparently don’t realize how often you use your hips in everyday movement. To have that injury and be a professional athlete...I’m just shocked Lowell is upright at this point.

• Theo Epstein, a better architect than even Clarissa’s dad on “Clarissa Explains it All,” is apparently on the verge of a three-year extension, and may not even need to use a gorilla suit (or as we like to call it around here, “the Fred Smerlas Halloween Costume) to do it! Theo has clearly established himself as the best GM in the game, despite the fact that he signed Julio Lugo to a $36 million contract. Given that the contract hasn’t been officially signed yet, I demand that Dan Shaughnessy not be let within 50 miles of Fenway Park until its completion, for fear he’ll fuck it up again. In fact, someone should deport that curly-haired fuck for good measure. May I suggest Abu Dhabi? It always seemed to work for Nermal.

• In other baseball news, Derek Jeter set the Yankee Stadium hit record in last night’s fourth-place Yankees loss to the White Sox. The fourth-place Yankees, who currently sit in fourth-place, are behind the Rays, Red Sox and Blue Jays in the AL East standings, which would place them in fourth place. Fourth. As in the number after three. Seriously though, Jeter, who defines the term “begrudging respect” for us, deserves credit for his accomplishment and we at Mass Hysteria salute the fourth-place Jeter for his record. Fourth. Behind third.

• Monday’s Eagles-Cowboys tilt was the most-watched cable program in history, pulling in a 13.4 rating (18 million viewers). Second on that list, obviously, was Cinemax’s Friday night showing of “Great Bikini Car Wash,” which had a 13.3 rating, representing the 13.3 billion sperm that died in tube socks across the country.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

Today's Mass Hysteria has been brought to you by the number four. Four!

SmartyBarrett said...

Love the Clarissa Explains It All reference. I think I became a man when I stopped wanting an alligator named Elvis and started wanting to reverse cowgirl the hell out of Melissa Joan Hart.

Zach Martin said...

Mike Lowell seemed to aggravate his hip injury last night

How old is this guy, seriously?

...started wanting to reverse cowgirl the hell out of Melissa Joan Hart.

Come again.

GHABB,Y~! said...

Does anyone else remember when Clarissa's Dad put on the Hammer pants and did a rap called "Architects Build Your House," with Ferguson, or was it just me?

SmartyBarrett said...



HzMLS hates me because I was raised by a TV. He spent his time as a kid "playing outside" and "getting exercise."


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Hey I watched my share of TV, I just never committed it to memory. Either that or I did memorize it but killed those brain cells huffing glue.

Anonymous said...

Hey, did you guys hear, Yankees are in FOURTH place? Cool!