Thursday, September 11, 2008

Howie Carr Spits on Patriots Nation

On Tuesday I promised that I would no longer talk about the Tom Brady situation. Mass Hysteria Sports, along with every other blog/news pundit/photo journalist, had said everything that was needed to be said about the injury, and frankly I was sick of hearing about it. Well, last night, as I sat in bed watching the Red Sox game I came across something so incendiary and down right moronic that I felt the need to dissect/rip it to shreds. If you haven't read it yet, I am talking about Howie Carr's article "Whiney Patriots fans just can't take a hit". In the style of Fire Joe Morgan, I declare open hunting season on Howie Carr.


Whiney Patriots fans just can't take a hit

"Hey Patriots [team stats] fans - stop whining! What’s with this bereavement thing, just because Hollywood Tom Brady [stats] got hurt?"

Stop Whining? It's pretty clear that you have no passion for football, and think very little about us as fans. Hollywood Tom Brady? How about the QB that put up the best numbers in football history last season, led us to 3 Super Bowls and almost did it again last year ? And please Carr, don't tell us Patriots fans that we don't have the right to complain. If you actually watched football you would realize how big of a loss this was. If you don't like hearing us complain about it, don't listen to the radio and don't read the sports pages... it's as easy as that. No one is holding a gun to your head while holding up a radio all while yelling, "LISTEN TO SULLY FROM EVERETT CRY ABOUT BRADY OR BY GOD I WILL PULL THIS TRIGGER!!!"


"It’s a good thing Brady wrecked his knee on the field and not in an auto accident somewhere. Can you imagine what the size of that roadside memorial would have been? Every fat loser in New England would be unsteadily rising from the couch in his mom’s basement. It would have been like a funeral procession to the scene of the tragedy, where they would all be draping their XXX-L No. 12 Patriots sweatshirts over the thousands of candles, teddy bears and empty 40-ouncers."


Whoa, whoa, whooooooa. Ok now you are kicking below the belt, you are now making fun of Patriots fans, and as one I am going to take this VERY personally. Are you really going to take the route of attacking an entire fan base in the city where you live? Jesus Christ, my own fiancee was upset about Brady, and is she an obese man living in her parents basement? Well, unless she is hiding something from me, I hope not. Now Mr. Carr, I would expect you to make fun of liberals, Barack Obama, gays, Democrats, the poor, immigrants, Muslims and other groups... but your own constituency? That is low Howie! Calling us all fat losers -- you, sir, are dumber than I thought. You are misinterpreting a popular misnomer that floats around the internet. It's not every Patriot's fan is a fat loser, its Patriots bloggers who are the fat losers who live in their parents' cellar. Go after me, but not the innocents who root for their football team. If you don't like fans with passion why don't you go write in LA, their fans don't give a rat's ass about anything and there are plenty of weird people and celebrities for you to mock.

"It’s not only Bill Belichick who’s become a “genius” riding on Brady’s back. Through absolutely no fault of their own, that part of the media known as “Shillville” has cashed in big-time these last few years. The jock sniffers get their ratings and they high-five one another, like the big numbers actually have something to do with their insipid cheerleading."

Cool, now you are isolating your own peers. So lets see you have now isolated yourself from a) everyone associated with the Patriots b) anyone in New England who likes the Patriots that is dumb enough to read your article c) the rest of the Boston media. I cant wait to see what's coming up next: are you going to make fun of your own mother for liking Curt Schilling? You seem like a very angry man Howie, why do you spew so much hate? Were you hazed by Dan Shaughnessy and Jackie McMullen, did they paddle you? Were you rejected by a cheerleader?

"I know, it’s so sad, because the Patriots [team stats] are a “dynasty.” Some dynasty, considering that they haven’t won the Super Bowl since the last time George W. Bush won an election. But in Shillville seldom is heard a discouraging word. Two years ago, the dynasty got a giant bone in its throat against the Colts, and then last year in Arizona - well, let’s not talk about the “undefeated” team, lest the grief counselors have to be called out yet again."

Oh great now you are making fun of the Patriots as an organization, claiming they really never win. Yeah 3 Super Bowls in the past 8 years is NOTHING, gosh I can think of a dozen other teams who ummmm nevermind, new point. When was the word Dynasty last used? You certainly didn't hear me use that term, because you are right we aren't a dynasty. But at this point this whole conjecture is pretty much moot, its obvious you don't give a crap about sports and you are just getting on your soapbox and judging everyone else. The joy of freedom of press, but hey at least it gives me the opportunity to respond and say your points are idiotic and most of your other posts are borderline racist. Preach on!

I will skip the part where he makes fun of Bill Belichick, Mayor Tom Menino, victory parades and "ZooMass (his words not mine)." Its pretty obvious right now that someone on the Patriots beat up Carr when he was a kid, and stole his lunch money. There is no other reason this guy can be so upset about a fan base that cares about a football team.


"No Super Bowl victory parades with stoned teenagers from the suburbs phoning in bomb threats to their local high schools so they can come into the city to get loaded and vomit on their shoes. No media toadies, like the dweeby 65-inch-high former Pop Warner League waterboy jumping onto a float with a station sales weasel and then waving at the falling-down drunks lining the streets like it was their sycophantic station that actually won the big game."


Dear Editors of the Boston Herald,

How did you allow Howie Carr write this BS? It's nothing but overgeneralized stereotypes and stupidity. I know recently your publication has more resembled the National Enquirer than an actual newspaper, but this lowers the bar even more. Please have Carr go back to talking about the courage and merit of Sarah Palin and why liberal judges are ruining America. That seems more up his alley. Thank you for your continued support.

HazelmaesLandingstrip.


P.S- Can you please write more about Ben Affleck's weekend plans. I find that section of the Herald a must read.

9 comments:

GHABB,Y~! said...

I know, seriously, my Brady jersey is only XXL, not XXXL.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

stoned teenagers from the suburbs phoning in bomb threats to their local high schools so they can come into the city to get loaded and vomit on their shoes

FUCK. My parents wouldn't let me skip school to go to the parade in '02. Why the fuck didn't I think of that?!

Sh!tShow said...

...why don't you go write in LA, their fans don't give a rat's ass about anything and there are plenty of weird people and celebrities for you to mock.

Don't send that fat fuck out here! It will cause a massive shift of the tectonic-icity of the fault line mumbo-jumbo shakey...

Let's just send him to Abu Dhabi.

Comicbook Guy said...

Dear Howie (if in fact that is your real name)

I will happily do to your knee what was done to Tom's and listen to to cry like the ass you are. I'm sure all of us would love to hear you whine some more.

Hvae a nice day and choke on a chicken bone.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I think he made some good points, actually, especially about the bandwagon jumpers going from "we" to "they" in describing the Pats.

(Note that HMLS did NOT go from "we" to "they", being no bandwagon jumper, he.)

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Even a stopped watch is right twice a day.

The A-Train said...

that's "even a broken clock is right twice a day"

Come on, you've got a degree in nothing from an Ivy League school. You should know this!

Swain said...

Not if the clock is missing a hand.

Jon said...

Howie the Pink Hamster's attempt to shoot his way out of his WRKO contract by trashing his co-workers at WEEI isn't working. Big surprise there.
Hey Howie, I see Whitey! Duck!