Thursday, September 25, 2008

How could things get any worse?

If Karma is a real force, and it can impact the events in the world, then the Patriots are in for a world of hurt. This type of Karma isnt the type that includes Thom Yorke, a piece of shit car, and chasing a guy that looks like Sling Blade until for some reason the car catches on fire. This Karma is much much worse. The Patriots cheated (don't know if you heard that), and the saying goes what goes around comes around. Karmic retribution has been a bitch lately: losing to the Giants in the Super Bowl, Tom Brady's knee injury, losing to the pathetic Dolphins. Much to the excitement of basically everyone else in the world, Patriots Nation has taken its lumps. It seems that every force in the world has been against the Pats, beating them to the ground for past improprieties. It has been a trying time for Patriots fans, but we stick with them. Because at this point how could things get any worse?

* Belichick becomes so frustrated in the middle of the season with the lack of progress of the team that he quits. Bob Kraft looks around the unemployment line for another experienced coach who could fill in for the season. Who does he find? Dennis Green.

* Randy Moss becomes so upset at his lack of involvement in the offense that he just gives up. No, not just being lazy on plays, he REALLY stops caring. Instead of showing up to games, Moss sits on the sidelines smoking weed, and "chillaxin". Police try to intervene by arresting Moss, but he responds by attacking the officer with one of the Minuteman's rifles and spends the rest of the season in jail.

* After a series of off field incidents Roger Goodell says he has had enough and resigns as the commissioner of the NFL. Arlen Spector steps in and takes total control of the NFL. Spector invokes emergency dictator power, removes Scott Pioli from the Patriots and replaces him with Matt Millen. Millen immediately signs Mike Williams who now weighs 311 pounds and is blind in one eye from the diabetus.

* NBC expands its budget to hire more television personnel for the NFL. Each team is now assigned two local personalities to cover the game. For the Patriots NBC places Pete Sheppard on play by play and Ron Borges doing color commentary. Now Patriots fans get the joy of listening to unintelligble garble and great analysis of why everything the Patriots do stinks. How long would it before we hear

"That was a stupid play call, this team must not care about playing football"

Hopefully after one week of being together they would kill each other on air in an orgy of blood and fat. Wait a minute if that happened, that wouldn't be a bad thing right?

* Because of complaints from local religious groups Kraft decides to change the cheerleaders and their outfits Gone are the short skimpy skirts, and tops that show off their cleavage. Now Pats fans get the excitement of watching 30 girls from Revere, Lynn and Peabody who can neither spell or keep a full mouth of teeth.

* The Brady-less Patriots win the AFC East and proceed to the Wild Card Game where they face the Jets who have turned their season around on the shoulders of the chosen one. On a last second throw into triple coverage Favre connects with Coles to win the game. Patriots fans get to listen to announcers tout Favre as the best QB ever for the remainder of the year. I am prescribed heavy dosages of anti depressants to keep those suicidal thoughts out of my head.

Well those are about the only things that could be worse than what has already transpired in Foxborough. On the positive side, things are only going to get better. I really pray that this season I don't see Matt Millen and white trash cheerleaders. If these things were to happen to my beloved Patriots, I have no clue how I would handle myself. Probably lots of masturbating to internet porn, but that's my answer to basically every problem I have.

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