Tuesday, September 9, 2008



Those of you who are loyal site readers may recall how, a few weeks back, DaveR and I attended the Futures at Fenway games and were so smitten with the play of a certain hot-hitting young member of the Lowell Spinners that we voted to anoint him The Official Minor League Player of Mass Hysteria.

The legend of Will Middlebrooks is indeed worth propagating: the man who singlehandedly built the St. Louis Arch out of steel he forged by crushing cases of batting donuts together; the man whose nose and cheekbones were actually the model for the Great Sphinx of Egypt; the man who once freed a bank full of hostages while simultaneously returning a lost baby duck to its mother. Will Middlebrooks planted the first ivy plant at Harvard. He can touch an aluminum bat and turn it to purest oak, from which a self-regenerating sapling will spring forth anew each day. He invented the Craisin. He recently finished Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. He taught himself to read by translating the Rosetta Stone. He earns extra money by composing Hallmark greeting card poems in the shower -- then donates all of that money to charity. Last year, when he went on vacation in Rome, the pope asked him for his autograph. The New York City subway system is based off of a drawing he made for his mother as a child. The lyrics to "Gangsta Gangsta" by NWA are actually about Will Middlebrooks.

And, of course, Will Middlebrooks is the man who will ONE DAY lead our Red Sox to a World Series Victory. Yeehaw! As luck would have it, today just HAPPENS to be THE 20TH BIRTHDAY of our beloved Will Middlebrooks! Hurrah!

DaveR will have more for you as this auspicious day unfolds. For now, please join with me in wishing a Happy Birthday to Mr. Middlebrooks. I hear that, on the day he was born, the sun's gravitational pull was actually weakened by the introduction of a cosmic force nearly as great as its own. It is only Middlebrooks' sunny disposition and even temper that keep our galaxy from being rent in two under the force of two equal and vastly powerful orbits.

1 comment:

Brandon said...

Will Middlebrooks crippled Steven Hawking for stealing his ideas.