Friday, September 19, 2008

Fantasy Football Preview: Week 3

Afternoon, folks. Let’s have a look at the match-ups...Smarty Barrett style!

On tap for this week:

Fat Drunk and Stupid vs. Norfolk & Way An epic battle of the first place team against the last place team! As much as it pains me to say it, FD&S is emerging as a powerhouse in this league thus far. And the reason it pains me to say it is because he has a little retarded boy playing QB for him. The Make A Wish Foundation does great things. Additional props to FD&S for sticking with Tavaris Jackson on his bench. I'm a big fan of the “My team is so nasty I can stack my bench with guys who don’t even play and still beat you” subtle trash talk. Reminds me of the year I picked up Cory Lidle in my baseball league. Considering N&W has Laurence Maroney (of ass-washing and cheese-chasing fame) in his starting lineup, smart money (heads up, Sh!tShow) is on token Animal House quote.

My Little Ponies vs. Kaczurs Pill Surplus Fresh off the utter destruction of yours truly, KPS (get used to the shorthand…I'm lazy) looks to remain undefeated against My Little Ponies. Despite stocking her team with plenty of homer-pick Colts, MLP moves Marvin Harrison to her bench this week and instead opts to go with such All-Pros Pro-Bowlers receivers as Mark Clayton and Vincent Jackson. For some reason, I'm still going to go with the upset special and pick the Ponies this week. With our delightful scoring system, I think Michael Turner puts up approximately 7,429 points (I rounded off) this week for her, which should put her over the top.

Plaschke eats penis vs. FutureMrWillaFord Sorry, it’s going to be difficult for me to preview this game. I just can’t stop staring into the lovely cans of FMWF’s team logo. Well, here goes. I think this game is going to be far from a bust; in fact, it could very well be the most tightly contested of the week. With these two teams going tit-for-tat, we should see some high scoring, even with two ancient QBs who likely couldn’t hit 60 MPH on the Jugs gun anymore. Being that HzMLS is an incompetent boob who could only manage a tie with me, I like FMWF to rack up some points this week and take the win, as long as he keeps himself abreast on LT’s injury.

Hangin With Mr Dungy vs. CockflashLisaOlson Ah, the battle of the angry-faced avitars. Big game for both teams – they sit at 1-1 and both are looking to emerge from the middle of the standings and assert themselves in the league. I guess. What do I know, my team blows. Anyway, if Brandon Marshall can stay out of prison for the duration of his game, that would be a huge boost to GHABB,Y~. In fact, I’ll go ahead and pick him anyway, simply for the fact that HWMD is starting not one, but two Raiders. Get him a body bag, am I right folks?

Osi HumanUrine vs. Fightin’ Amalies Here’s all you need to know about my team. I had Tom Brady. Now I'm platooning Matt Cassel, Matt Ryan, and Trent Edwards. Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco Johnson has been just dreadful so far, and my two running backs are perennial busts Reggie Bush and Larry Johnson. My team is going down faster than FMRA at an Evan Longoria autograph signing. Meanwhile, the Hot-In-Kind-Of-Librarian-Way Amalies have Adrian Peterson and the Patriots defense. I think APNDR takes this one easily.

RubberFistingMitten vs. Peyton’s Infected Sac I am deeming this one the featured game of the week. Top to bottom these teams are about as even as can be. Manning comma Peyton seems to be back in his groove, but RFM has statistically the best fantasy QB so far this season in Jay Cutler. However, with Brandon Jacobs, FMRA’s team does break my fantasy team’s particular rule for this season: No Giants. I'm going to give the edge to PIS (hehehehehe) simply because he has DeSean Jackson AND Chris Cooley, both of whom will have big games in hopes of taking the focus off the embarrassing…umm…"blunders" both of them made this week. As a side note, I can’t wait until PIS plays HumanUrine.

EAT SEVENTEEN BEERS vs. LessThanJakeDelhomme Steve Smith, fresh off his suspension, will certainly help ESB pack a little extra punch vs. LTJD. The punk-band-oft-injured-but-underrated-QBs are looking for their first win and I think they will get it, even with the return of Smith. ESB is going with Ronnie Brown in his starting lineup, and I think TEH PATRIOTS!!111oneone will shut him down hard. Meanwhile, Wes Welker finds the end zone this week, leading the Delhomme’s to victory.

So I guess I'm supposed to put a rap video here or something. Seems to be the customary way to end a post. Good luck to no one, fuckers!


futuremrsrickankiel said...

HAHAHA fuck! This was awesome. Nicely played.

I'm absolutely beating James, though. No question about it.

Pepster said...

Good work SmartyBarrett, and not just because you acknoweldged my juggernaut of a team. I must ask, what is this Animal House quote you speak of? I named my team Fat, Drunk and Stupid because it is autobiographical.

Rocco said...

I'll trade you Favre for Edwards. Just as long as you promise to trade Favre back once the weather gets cold and shitty and Edwards starts to suck.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

So according to these previews I should be 0-3. God I hope I win this week so I can be 2-0-1 and win this fucking league.

J said...

FMRA doesn't understand that Peyton get's Dallas Clark and Jeff Saturday back this week, he's gonna throw for leventy billion yards. Yes that's right leventy billion.

smurphette said...

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO JINX THE PONIES?? Marvin's lack of production hurts my soul. I'm still going back and forth on whether to start him. It's comforting to know that he'll probably fuck me over no matter what I decide.

Seriously, though, love the preview!