Friday, September 5, 2008

Fantasy Football Hysteria: Week 1 Preview!

The Mass Hysteria Fantasy Football League kicks off this weekend. After the draft, reader and all-around cool cat James shared his observations with us. Today, we present to you the following, which the brilliant Grimey left on the league message board.



Since nobody else has come up with a way to piss everybody else off in almost a week, here's my picks for Week 1 of this fantasy football fuck-tacular....

CATFIGHT OF THE WEEK (ROWR!): MY LITTLE PONIES over RUBBERFISTINGMITTEN [Ed. note: yup, that's right]... FMRA testing her sleeper picks early, starting Jabar Gaffney and David Patten over the Minnesota Viking futility twins. Smurphette can still start an inactive Jerry Porter and win this one handily.


FIGHTIN' AMALIES over NEW DAY CO-OP: Yahoo's point projections have Adrian Peterson scoring 18 points this week, while the Falcons' Michael Turner is projected to score 34. In other news, Yahoo's point projections are more fucked than Shawne Merriman's future ability to walk.

FAT DRUNK & STUPID over PEYTON'S INFECTED SAC: Nothing much to say about this matchup, except that Pepster's avatar looks like Mos Def wants to blow me.



POOTYTANG over OSI HUMANURINE: Frank Gore and Lendale White vs. Larry Johnson and Reggie Bush? This is the matchup of Running Backs I Wouldn't Draft With Your Dick.

KACZURS PILL SURPLUS over EAT SEVENTEEN BEERS: Andre Davis? ANDRE DAVIS? Oh yeah, Steve Smith punched a guy.

FUTURE MR WILLA FORD over COCKFLASHLISAOLSON: GHABBY's starting wide receivers? Jerricho Cotchery, Donald Driver and Derrick Mason. Even Vince Young feels bad for him.

LESSTHANJAKEDELHOMME over HANGIN WITH MR DUNGY: Yahoo's point projections has Lee Evans scoring 8 points this week. If Lee Evans scores 8 points this week, I'll toss FMRA's salad while she watches a Mad Men Season 1 marathon.*

* FMRA must provide travel and lodging expenses, and MUST disinfect asshole prior to said tossing. Also must provide Mad Men Season 1 marathon. Prize expires 9/8/08.



Thanks, Grimey! Sexy league members: please send any and all thoughts on the league to me, and I'll try and get them up. Bring it on, ass-clowns! This league is mine.

19 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

You are all my bitches.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Oops, I was supposed to address that to FMRA....

Dear Future Mrs. Rick Ankiel:

You, and everyone else in the league who isn't me, are all my bitches.

Regards,

A Pimp Named DaveR
CEO and Maximum Dictator-For Life
Fightin' Amalie Benjamins

Zach Martin said...

If the league was decided by best name:

1. HANGIN WITH MR DUNGY
2. OSI HUMANURINE
3. LESSTHANJAKEDELHOMME
4. COCKFLASHLISAOLSON
5. FUTURE MR WILLA FORD
6. RUBBERFISTINGMITTEN
7. NEW DAY CO-OP
8. KACZURS PILL SURPLUS
9. PEYTON'S INFECTED SAC
10. FAT DRUNK & STUPID
11. EAT SEVENTEEN BEERS
12. FIGHTIN' AMALIES
13. MY LITTLE PONIES
14. POOTYTANG

If you need explanations, please ask. And yes I know it's from Animal House.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Not to change the subject but Carlos Quentin is out for the year with a broken wrist.

/there goes one oppponent
//Dustin gets a chubby

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Can someone please name my team? I am hitting a huge writers block and can't think of anything.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

@HMLS

How about "Team That Is Yet Another of APNDR's Bitches"?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Yeah Pootytang is pretty much the worst fantasy team name ever.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Whereas mine is named after a glove specifically designed to be slathered in lube and shoved lovingly into the anus of your loved one. I think I win.

The A-Train said...

@HMLS

Buttsluts Unlimited
Assplay Associates

Stolen from KSK:
Matty Ice Latte Bukkake

Zach Martin said...

@HMLS

Charles Haley's cock ring

Charles Haley's right hand

Charles Haley's left hand

Stroking with Charles Haley

There are four using just Charles Haley!

You can do it with almost anyone!

Zach Martin said...

You say you want a Patriot? Ok. How about Matt Cassell?

Matt Cassell's Hemroids

Matt Cassell's wife is tall

The last success I, Matt Cassell, was responsible for was a LLWS birth in 1994

Tom Brady's foot: Matt Cassell's last hope at glory

These are bad, but better than POOTYTANG

GHABB,Y~! said...

Oedipus and the Marmish Boys
My Johnson is Twelve Inches Long
Everybody Gets Laid

Why yes, I did recently see PCU, why do you ask?

The A-Train said...

maroney's personal ass washer

@ghabb,y:

isn't "everybody gets laid" FMRA's personal motto?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

No, you're thinking of "I get laid while everyone else goes to bed at 9."

Zach Martin said...

Stroking with Charles Haley

Stroking with Tedy Bruschi

Done.

The A-Train said...

Ten. I go to bed at fucking TEN godamnit!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Nice, Zach Martin. Nicely fucking done.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I go to bed at 7. But I don't get any rest until 2!

Giggidy giggidy!

-Quagmire

shaun said...

I named mine Mother Faulkers.