Monday, September 22, 2008

Dear Sir, Eat A Bag of Dicks: Ronnie Brown

Dear Ronnie Brown,

Bet you’re real proud of yourself, huh? Bet you spent last night feasting on the finest of food and womenfolk, basking in the glow of your four rushing TDs and one passing TD. Got something else for you to feast on, Mr. Shitty Brown: A bag of dicks. You can paint them Dolphins teal if you’d like, you pastel-colored bitch.

Now, you may brand me a “sore loser” or an “asshole” or “overweight” for berating you after your Dolphins manhandled my beloved Patriots yesterday by a score of 38-13. But my motives have little to do with your team’s performance in yesterday’s therapy-inducing loss, but rather your personal actions in that game. Namely, your being responsible for five touchdowns WHILE SITTING ON MY GODDAMNED FANTASY BENCH. For that, you’re a horrid little piece of shit who deserves to die of AIDS like fellow Miami resident Pedro from the Real World. But only after you stuck your finger in his peanut butter.
“But why did you put me on your bench?” you may ask. Because, shit-eater, you had eaten a giant smegma sandwich in your previous two games. You ran for 23 yards in your first game and 25 in your second game, and seemed to be losing your job to Ricky Fucking Williams. How the fuck can you not even fend off a useless stoner? He sleeps half the fucking day, and watches Aqua Teen the other half. And yet you were losing carries to him, you mongolid dick-eater. And let’s not even talk about your college career, where you couldn’t even earn a starting role over a guy who prefers to be named “Cadillac.” Just for that, I’m buying Japanese.
So I benched you. I inserted the younger, sexier Chris Johnson in your place, and thought nothing of it. You were done, finished, and I even considered dropping you completely from my fantasy roster, but saw running backs on the waiver wire even more useless than you. Little did I know that you’d rush for FOUR FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS and throw for another against the fucking Patriots, who had won 21-straight regular season games and had stopped more rushes than Immodium. So not only did you fuck my fantasy team, but you fucked my favorite real team as well, with your coach’s dirty Wop tricks and your Pop Warner offensive formations. Of course the Pats weren’t prepared for the halfback option play, because they’re used to playing FUCKING GROWNUPS.

You play for the Dolphins, right? Here’s what I’ll do. I’m going to go fly down to Florida, or Flipper’s house, or Sea World, or wherever the fuck real dolphins congregate. Then, I’m going to find one, and punch it in the face really hard until it dies. It’ll probably make stupid noises and signal to other dolphins for help, so I’ll punch them in the face too, until we have an entire Sea World pool of dolphins dead of face punching.

Next, I’m going to buy a fresh bag of dicks. Since you live in Miami, I’ll even buy the ones with the little bits of shit on the tip, like you’re used to. Then, I’ll take that dolphin meat and stuff the dicks with it, until they look like purple-headed Deutchmaker frankfurters. Finally, I’m going to feed you these new delicacies, one by one, telling you that they’re fried okra or country fried steak or something dumb and southern. Because you went to Auburn and are therefore stupid, you’ll believe me.
(Actually the logo for the band Children of the Unicorn. Check them out, they're beyond awesome. )

Once you’ve feasted upon the dolphin-filled dicks, I’ll then inform you that you just ate not only dick, but dolphin as well. At this point, the National Wildlife service will enter the room, arrest you, and force you to be raped by California Condors (by their beaks) while you sit in prison.

Finally, knowing that you’ll be out for the rest of the season with rape and dick-eating related injuries, I will drop you from my fantasy team. Because at least Chris Johnson is fucking consistent.


Zach Martin said...

you’re a horrid little piece of shit who deserves to die of AIDS like fellow Miami resident Pedro from the Real World.

Puck nods in approvement, then spits for no reason.

The A-Train said...

He sleeps half the fucking day, and watches Aqua Teen the other half.

sounds like my roommate sophomore year.

hell, sounds like me on the weekends.

Oh little known fact: Ronnie Brown draws his power from fantasy benches. that's why his knee blew out last year, everyone was starting him and his strength left him all at once.

I suggest preparing for a season full of guessing wrong with starting or benching Ronnie Brown. Might as well wake up every sunday and slam your dick in your car door.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I am glad I don't play fantasy.
I am just miserable when my teams lose, and don't have to worry about added misery from assclowns.
PS at least Peyton lost too

GHABB,Y~! said...

@Boatdrinks: That's Mister Assclown, thankyouverymuch.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

That looks perfectly consensual to me!

Oh, and here's a solution: DON'T FUCKING DRAFT RONNIE BROWN.

SmartyBarrett said...

Actually the logo for the band Children of the Unicorn.

Well, I have the idea for my next tattoo.

Zach Martin said...

That unicorn has the cool of Joe Camel and the technique of Ron Jeremy.

Starting Aces said...

No regrets.

54 fantasy points of no regrets.