Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Day of Calm Retrospection

We got our ass handed to us plain and simple, this was an embarrassment . If you were to ask 100 people in this country if the Patriots were going to lose yesterday I think 99 would have laughed at you, and the other person was Merrill Hoge. Going into this game it was clear the Patriots were a better offensive and defensive team, hell they had won 21 games in a row, and the Dolphins had won one game in the past decade. Well, I was wrong, you were wrong, I GET IT I AM STUPID . We all learned something on Sunday; either the Dolphins are a lot better then we thought they were or the Patriots are shittier then we expected, or some combination of both. The worst part is we won't get our answer for two weeks as we have to fret during the bye week. Sorry this took a while to write, I wanted to take some time and write an honest analysis of the game, not just a piece filled with vulgar language and raw anger.


This was the Matt Cassel I had originally expected. All it took was pressure from the linebackers and Joey Porter living in the backfield to turn him from a poised game manager into nothing more than a Kyle Boller. The inability to involve Randy Moss in the gameplan is beginning to worry me. Yesterday again he was completely invisible, and failed to make any big game catches, because well nothing was thrown to him. He is drawing double coverage every week now, but Josh McDaniels needs to figure out a way to spring him open. Make the defense pay if they are going to gang rape Moss, utilize your other receivers until they lay off. It was refreshing to see that Jabar Gaffney and Ben Watson are still alive. This once vaunted offense could only account for 209 yards against the Dolphins defense. Pathetic. HMLS's grade: Five footballs in the groin


This was the most concerning shortcoming in this game. The defense that looked so strong against the Jets and Chiefs looked slow, weak and overmatched against the Dolphins. Chad Pennington completely picked apart the Patriots secondary, and well Ronnie Brown I don't need to explain what he did. The guy who did not have a knee last year, tore the Pats to shreds. The Patriots had trouble tackling, they seemed very hesitant to blitz and put no pressure on Pennington (0 Sacks). Chad "Oh he with arm made of limp pasta" Pennington seemed to hit every pass, and the corners had no answer to him . Let me reitterate CHAD PENNINGTON LIT UP THE PATRIOTS DEFENSE. The Fins netted 451 total yards against the Patriots defense. Pathetic HMLS's grade: Four Footballs in the groin-

Special Teams

Yay, the lone bright spot on the team. SPECIAL TEAMS! Ellis Hobbs looked like the only player alive yesterday, as he averaged almost 40 yards a return on kicks. Hobbs gave the Patriots prime field position on practically every drive, and Cassel pissed it away. Stephen Gostkowski is an automatic three points every time he kicks a field goal, which is a relief since Cassel & Co can't get the ball in the f'n endzone. Matthew Slater made a stupid rookie mistake by being the first to touch a punt after running out of bounds on the kick, and preventing the Pats from pinning the Fins at the 1. HMLS Grade: One Football in the groin


This is my biggest beef with this game, this is the second game in a year that the Patriots coaching staff failed to adjust to the opposition. Bill Belichick who I still think is the best coach of our generation, got burned by a coach who wasn't afraid to try something different. In the Super Bowl Coughlin and Steve Spagnuolo didn't throw anything new at him, but Belichick failed to adjust, just like yesterday. How many fucking times was Ronnie Brown going to line up behind center and just run the ball straight ahead. PREPARE YOUR DEFENSE BILL. JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST. Your offense went for 4-15 on 3rd down and was horrible again in the Red Zone. Yes I am blaming your play calling on this one.HMLS Grade: EPIC FUCKING FAILURE


My head hurts after this game, I finally had convinced myself that the Patriots were going to be ok with Cassel under the helm. This game was like finding out there is no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny or Jesus, or even worse that you are the bastard child of your mother and the mailman. I pray to anything that is holy that Belichick is pounding the ever loving crap out of the Pats this week and that they get no extra time off because of the Bye. The only bright spot is that we get to face the 49ers in two weeks, oh wait. They have a star running back who is coming back from an off year, and can take over a game all by himself. So wait, a game against the 49ers is not a given anymore? Jesus Buddha and Allah if the 49ers and JT O'Sullivan beat us, I will not be responsible for my actions.

/Slams Head Against Desk
//Swallows another handful of Tylenol.


Grimey said...

Matt Cassel is the new Andrew Walter

Zach Martin said...


Other talents of Jesus:

Juggling, turning water into wine, basket weaving, crocheting, walking on water, rising from the dead, cross building and tying cherry stems knots with his tongue.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Yes, but who will teach him how to love?!

SmartyBarrett said...

He needs no lessons.

Rocco said...

God is dead. Jesus lives in Texas I believe.

Anonymous said...

What HMLS said. Ditto ditto ditto.

I get that Douchebag is Bill Belichek's way of being. But if you are going to be a big D, you better bring it. Like, all the time. And if you can't adjust to Giants and Dolphins? I don't even want to think...oh how could it get worse?