Monday, September 15, 2008

Breakfast With the Hysterics

*The Patriots defeated the Jets 19-10 yesterday, bringing their A.B. record to 1-0. Cassel didn’t hurt them, the defense played extremely well, and Adailus Thomas performed the world’s most awesome one-handed, two-person sack that you’ll ever see. The Pats, contrary to all of our fears, are still wildly talented, fantastically coached, and should probably make the playoffs and win the AFC East, with or without Brady. You can now extricate yourself from the ledge of the Tobin Bridge, and pay three dollars in tolls for the privilege. THIS ISN'T FUCKING DELAWARE, WHY DO WE HAVE THREE DOLLAR TOLLS?

However, and I’m surprised no one has noted this yet, but by from what I saw yesterday, this year’s Patriots are going to be really fucking boring. Like “may cause more mid-game naps than ribs” boring. Rather than last year’s “score a shitload of points and give fantasy owners a huge boner” philosophy, the Cassel-led Patriots have taken the “field goals and three running backs getting equal carries” philosophy to winning. They’ve gone from being the slutty girl on campus who does double anal to the weird civics professor with a bowtie that rides around campus on a 1970s Schwinn. They’re winning, and therefore I can’t complain too loudly, but I must say that I prefer the Pats a bit more…slutty. Maybe that’s just me. More on the game later from football nutsack HMLS.

*In other NFL news, the Chargers got F’d in the A by Ed Hochuli’s finely tuned muscles yesterday, allowing the Broncos to pilfer a 39-38 win. The Whale’s Vaginas got screwed on not one but TWO plays, including a last-minute fumble that was ruled an incomplete pass, which Muscles Hochuli publicly admitted seconds later was a steroid-induced mistake on his part. I strongly suspect Marmalard may have something to say on the topic, while Hochuli is now more popular in Colorado than hallucinogenics.

*The Sox took three of four from the Maple Leafs, and now sit only one game out of first place with a FAHCKING HYOOGE three-game series in Tampa starting tonight. More on the Tampa series later in the afternoon (or as I’m referring to it, Operation Blind the Rays…get it?...cause of that movie “Ray” about Ray Charles…cause he was blind…so we should “blind” the "Rays"…ah, fuck you guys), but this weekend’s series against Toronto should be considered as a rousing boneriffic success. Saturday’s epic comeback was aided by Jays pitcher Scott Downs catching a horrible syndrome, and yesterday’s performance by Jon Lester over Jays ace Roy Halladay was the stuff that playoff series are won on.

*Cubs “most frightening man ever” Carlos Zambrano scared the Astros into not getting any hits off him last night in the friendly confines of…Miller Park? I have no idea how Milwaukee, main competitor to the Cubs in the NL, was chosen as the Houston-substitue (not to be confused with butter substitute), but it may have something to do with the Commissioner being the former Brewers owner or something. JEWISH CONSPIRACY! Still, props to Crazy Zambrano for standing down the Hebrew Menace and establishing his dominance over both the Astros and the principality of Milwaukee. For your efforts Mr. Zambrano, we award you the coveted Diabeetus Kitteh of Awesomeness:

Editorial interference/shameless shilling: Blog whore futuremrsrickankiel can now be caught over at the all-new NFL blog Footbawful, a sexy new joint venture with the twisted mind behind Basketbawful. So if you just can't get enough caffeine-fueled feminine bile, stop by there as well. More over here from futuremrs later today, obvs.


futuremrsrickankiel said...


Also, TOTES disagree that the Pats are less fun to watch now. The play is less dazzling, but there's so much more suspense going into the games! I enjoyed the win yesterday more than I've enjoyed a Pats win in a long time.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Also, I think Miller Park honestly just gets whored out at every opportunity -- didn't the Indians play a series there at the beginning of last season when Jacobs Field was covered in snow?