Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Breakfast With The Hysterics!


* FAIL! On a night when the Red Sox were positioned to finally take over the top spot in the AL East, our pitching staff disintegrated and instead handed the victory to a Tampa Bay team that didn't even appear to genuinely want it. Bah! Early suckitude from Daisuke Matsuzaka (3 runs on 8 hits, 4 walks, and a hit batter) prompted the summoning of bullpen standbys Javier Lopez, Manny Delcarmen, and Hideki Okajima, all of whom managed to get the job done as the Sox hovered behind the Rays at 3-2. A magnificent 2-run homer from Jason Bay in the 8th put the Sox on top... enter Jon Papelbon, who speedily closed out the game to earn the save and secure victory for the Sox ummmm, let up a solo home run to a fucking pinch hitter you've never heard of, and minutes later let the game-winning double from Dioner Navarro go whizzing by him. WHAT?! I hate baseball. Please note that the headline for this game recap on the Red Sox website is "Jason and the golden fleece." I have absolutely no idea what the parallel here is other than the obvious shared name; to the best of my knowledge, Jason Bay has never captained a ship of warriors and heroes in search of a mystical prize and subsequently fallen in love with an exotic but jealous princess who would later punish his lack of fidelity by lighting his new girlfriend on fire and causing the downfall of Corinth. BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW. Anyway, I suppose it's better than the "Hip, Hip, Hur-Rays!" on the Ee Ess Pee En website. GUHHH EVERYONE IS A MORON EXCEPT ME.

* Saints be praised: it appears that New England will be spared the ignominy of starting Chris Simms at quarterback, as the Titans have signed the Spawn of Simms in light of Vince Young's recent injury and apparent descent into madness. It's a little unnerving having our QB situation in question, sure, but Chris FUCKING Simms?! Pretty sure we dodged a bullet on this one, kids. Let the Matt Cassel Era unfold!

* Doc Rivers has reportedly been offered a contract extension through the 2010-2011 season along with a $500,000 per year raise. I suppose that's a fitting reward for a man whose valiant efforts to completely tank in the postseason were somehow stymied by the superhuman talents of his stars and the inspired play of his bench. It's always so heartwarming when a shitty coach succeeds despite himself. Have some more money, Doc!

* Shawne Merriman is officially out for the season with two torn ligaments in his left knee. Bummer! Given the way they caved to the lowly Panthers on Sunday, I'd say the Chargers have more to worry about than merely an injured Merriman -- like, say, having a star running back who's clearly a whiny, injury-prone bitch, or having a completely batshit bible-thumper for a starting QB -- but this will obviously change the face of a team that nearly everyone considered a playoffs lock. IT'S THE BRONCOS' YEAR BABY WOOOOO!

Speaking of Doc, here's The DOC. Old school, baby!

7 comments:

Zach Martin said...

Hey, guys!

I have been away the last couple days on business. It's good to be back! Anything big happen the past couple days? I saw that the Pats won!! Kind of a close game. What's with that? Anyway, hope you guys are good.

Looking forward to more knee buckling gags from the gang.

Sincerely,

<3 Zach <3

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Banned!

Zach Martin said...

What? Why? I used fake hearts? Please reconsider.

Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together. I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week. I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you. Even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May May". I will only pass gas underneath the covers and only under the direst of circumstances. Hell, I'll go on a low cholesterol diet. And I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I hit my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week, even if your mom is a big witch with a capital B. And your folks don't have to go to a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare, I'll separate the whites from the colors, I'll learn the mysteries of hot and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on my makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog can save your life from drowning, but a cat can't. I will happily go see chick flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice". I'll make a point to trying new food like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle". I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me! And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those male bikini style underwear if you like. My belly button will always be lint free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever had. I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Referencing shitty movies will not earn you clemency, my dear.

Zach Martin said...

Crap, I was hoping it was a closet favorite. But, like a deep, dark closet, like the one Shia LaBeouf is hiding in.

How am I the only one that is seeing this?

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Zach,

Will you sell me some weed?

Zach Martin said...

I think I can arrange that...