Wednesday, September 3, 2008
at 10:25 AM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
* The Sox won a nailbiter over the Orioles last night, 14-2. Captain Underbite Youkilis (back, chin spasms) was a last-minute scratch from the lineup, forcing Slugger Pedroia into the cleanup spot once again. Dustin responded with a Pujols-esque 3-5 night, producing five RBI and one home run. Pedroia now has 16 home runs. Seriously. Papi also had four RBI, and Lester picked up his 13th win of the season. Meanwhile, Kevin Millar wept quietly at first base, remembering the good times. Our last “Beat up the Crippled Kid” win over the Orioles of the season will come early today, with a 1:35PM start time. So remember girls, if you’re going to fake your periods to get out of work early today, make sure you do it before noon.
* Both Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell are scheduled to return this weekend for the Sox, and should be in form by the time next Monday’s series against the Rays starts. Also, cult hero Bartolo Colon is expected to throw one of the September 13th doubleheader games against Toronto. Of the three, I’m most excited about Colon’s return, if only because it’s been far too long without Colon jokes on this site. Poop.
* In a further quest to ruin his awesome life, it seems that Tiger Woods has knocked up his hot Swedish wife once again. This is what can be considered as a “poor lie” by the world’s greatest golfer. He’s going to be home for the next six months (at least) recovering from knee surgery, and rather than being able to spend that time banging a hot skinny model, he’s got to deal with Lamaze classes, weird cravings, and hormones. Not to mention that she’s gonna get fattttttt! Smooth move, Ex-Lax. And now that I’ve offended any and all female readers of this blog, it may be time to move onto the next topic.
* In news that may excite only me and four roid monkeys down at the Gold’s Gym in Revere, Randy Couture has signed back with the UFC, and will fight the “Vanilla Gorilla” Brock Lesnar on November 11th. Couture is 45 years old and will show up for the fight at around 235 pounds. Lesnar, meanwhile, walks around at 280 pounds of pure muscle, is only 31, and once F-5’d the Undertaker at Hell in a Cell. He also has a tattoo on his chest that kinda looks like a penis:
Still, I’ve learned never to bet against Randy Couture in anything, including tiddly winks, bocce and select games of pinochle. Expect Randy to find a way.