Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Breakfast With the Hysterics


* The Sox won a nailbiter over the Orioles last night, 14-2. Captain Underbite Youkilis (back, chin spasms) was a last-minute scratch from the lineup, forcing Slugger Pedroia into the cleanup spot once again. Dustin responded with a Pujols-esque 3-5 night, producing five RBI and one home run. Pedroia now has 16 home runs. Seriously. Papi also had four RBI, and Lester picked up his 13th win of the season. Meanwhile, Kevin Millar wept quietly at first base, remembering the good times. Our last “Beat up the Crippled Kid” win over the Orioles of the season will come early today, with a 1:35PM start time. So remember girls, if you’re going to fake your periods to get out of work early today, make sure you do it before noon.

* Both Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell are scheduled to return this weekend for the Sox, and should be in form by the time next Monday’s series against the Rays starts. Also, cult hero Bartolo Colon is expected to throw one of the September 13th doubleheader games against Toronto. Of the three, I’m most excited about Colon’s return, if only because it’s been far too long without Colon jokes on this site. Poop.

* In a further quest to ruin his awesome life, it seems that Tiger Woods has knocked up his hot Swedish wife once again. This is what can be considered as a “poor lie” by the world’s greatest golfer. He’s going to be home for the next six months (at least) recovering from knee surgery, and rather than being able to spend that time banging a hot skinny model, he’s got to deal with Lamaze classes, weird cravings, and hormones. Not to mention that she’s gonna get fattttttt! Smooth move, Ex-Lax. And now that I’ve offended any and all female readers of this blog, it may be time to move onto the next topic.

* In news that may excite only me and four roid monkeys down at the Gold’s Gym in Revere, Randy Couture has signed back with the UFC, and will fight the “Vanilla Gorilla” Brock Lesnar on November 11th. Couture is 45 years old and will show up for the fight at around 235 pounds. Lesnar, meanwhile, walks around at 280 pounds of pure muscle, is only 31, and once F-5’d the Undertaker at Hell in a Cell. He also has a tattoo on his chest that kinda looks like a penis:


Still, I’ve learned never to bet against Randy Couture in anything, including tiddly winks, bocce and select games of pinochle. Expect Randy to find a way.

15 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

RANDY COUTURE!

Awesome.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Pedroia makes me feel more depressed about myself every day I watch him. He is a MVP candidate, and I never learned to hit a curveball.

/BUT HE DOESN'T WRITE FOR THE BEST BLOG IN MASS. YEEEHAAWWW

futuremrsrickankiel said...

No offense, but calling Pedroia an MVP candidate is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, wait, yeah, I guess I did intend offense with that.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Pedroia is going to:
1. most likely win the batting title
2. 200+ hits
3. 120+ Runs
4. 20+ Stolen Bases
5. 20+ Home Runs close to 100 RBI's
6. Lead the league in multi hit games

Will this give him the win? Hells no, but he is going to be a candidate for MVP which is my POINT.

The A-Train said...

And now that I’ve offended any and all female readers of this blog,

since when are women allowed to read?

What's next? They're going to be allowed to say who they will and will not have sex with?

...what's that? They can?

...rut-roh...

SmartyBarrett said...

Who else wins it? Quentin?

Pedroia's the dumbest MVP candidate except for everyone else.

5th in the AL in VORP, throw that in...only guys ahead of him are all on losing teams (Sizemore, A-Rod, Bradley, Huff).

Quentin is 7th, FWIW.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Seriously, though, I just think calling someone an MVP candidate by virtue of the fact that they might finish 10th in the voting is to toss around a term that should have more weight than that. Sure, he's the most consistent producer on a very good team, but you can't just label him an "MVP Candidate" based on that any more than you could rightfully label Jon Lester a Cy Young candidate. To me, "candidate" implies "someone who might actually win it," not merely "also-ran." I love Pedroia, obviously, but I'm simply not willing to group him together with players like Carlos Quentin, Josh Hamilton, Grady Sizemore... the list goes on.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh, and you know as well as I do that VORP counts for shit in MVP voting. I mean. JIMMY ROLLINS. Come now.

dubbschism said...

the only thing about Pedroier being an mvp candidate:

Kevin Youkilis leads him in OBP, SLG, (and then obviously OPS, OPS+), HR, RBI, and goatee length.

so basically anyone arguing for Pedroia is going to hit the "he's not even the best player on his team" wall.


also, one thing you didn't mention about Pedroia was his defense - which has been outstanding this season.

SmartyBarrett said...

VORP does count for shit, but you know what does count? Playing on a good team. There's the whole "help your team win" factor. So you can immediately throw out A-Rod, Sizemore and Hamilton. Look at the potential playoff teams and pull MVP candidates from there and who have you got? Pedroia, Youkilis, and Quentin...who else? I don't see anyone on the Rays, Twins, or Angels worthy of this discussion. FMRA, do you really think Pedroia's not in the top 10? Seriously?

GHABB,Y~! said...

@HZMLS - but if we did learn how to hit the curveball, we'd immediately become Oxycontin addicts, like every other North Shore baseball prodigy.

ejected fan said...

Did anyone notice the huge bald spot on Pedroia's head?
Pedroia should get the batting title, the MVP and join hairclub for men....

You win batting titles if you are in the hair club:
http://cellfish.com/image/98198/WADE-BOGGS-HAIR-CLUB

dubbschism said...

it's the hair color product that Tim Wakefield uses!

it's the hair regrowth product that Dustin Pedroia uses!

Zach Martin said...

@smarty

You know what shouldn't count: If your team is good. If anything, by you doing so well despite your team being terrible should show voters more than being on a team of Awesomes (cousins of the Incredibles). It is like using runs scored or RBI as primary devices to descide a MVP. THEY ARE BASED MOSTLY ON THE SUCCESS OF OTHER PLAYERS..

@HMLS

Pedroia is going to:
1. most likely win the batting title
2. 200+ hits
3. 120+ Runs
4. 20+ Stolen Bases
5. 20+ Home Runs close to 100 RBI's
6. Lead the league in multi hit games


1. ok stat. I prefer a OBP. But to each his own.
2. stupid stat (i think it shows a flaw in a player that he has to hit .330 (or have over 200 hits) to OBP .376.
3. Mostly based on other players success.
4. 20 SB's is ok, not great. I prefer is % success.
5. Actually he's on pace for 19 and 88. Both Ok figurs and once again RBI are based on other players.
6. Ok stat again. But does he get on-base a ton is a better question.

I guess it is just hard for me to give an MVP nod to a player with a 124 OBP+. Its good, not great.

SmartyBarrett said...

@Zach

Oh I agree. But unfortunately voters for this award do care about it.

Do I think he will win the MVP? Yes, but I concede that this may not be a popular opinion and I will listen to arguments otherwise. Also, the clowns that vote for this love short gritty white dudes, so there's another point for Pedroia.

I just think he is absolutely by far a "candidate" to the point where I think he finishes top 3.

Of course, this is all "if the season ended today" speculation. Let's see how the month plays out...