Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

Red Sox v. DEVIL Rays (hey, it worked on Monday!), 7:10 pm. First place in the AL East remains a cocktease: a ruthless, shameless, relentless, glossy-lipped, hard-nippled, acting-drunker-than-she-is whore of a cocktease. It's time we called this bitch's bluff and forced ourselves on her with drunken abandon. [Editorial note: Mass Hysteria is not responsible for any legal consequences that may arise from interpreting this in any other than a purely analogous sense.] We don't have the chance to move definitively into first tonight, but we can at least fight our way back to a virtual tie -- and maybe a hand job if we're lucky.

Your pitching match-up tonight features none other than Tim Wakefield (9-10, 3.92), who's been nothing short of dominant in his career at Tropicana Field. Wake's last appearance against the THIRD PLACE THAT'S RIGHT AHEAD OF THE YANKEES LOL Blue Jays was magnificent; he tossed 8 shutout innings and allowed just 3 hits in the Sox win. He'll face Matt Garza (11-9, 3.60), who's also quite good but is pitching on just 3 days' rest. I sincerely hope a Scott Kazmir-style meltdown is in the offing. That would make me happy. That and a beer.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: In Monday night's game, we were treated to a Jason Bay solo shot that went up, never to come down... apparently, the ball found a way to transcend the spatio-temporal boundaries of our plane of existence and went blasting into a) the 5th dimension, b) a parallel universe where people live underwater and the Orioles have won 110 games, or c) the vast, empty cavern where Travis Hafner's brain is supposed to be. Will the ball return tonight to astonish and delight us with its Tales of the Beyond? Yes, but I bet Joe Maddon will complain about it.

Serious prediction of the night: It's going to be a close game, for sure, but if the Sox batting lineup can work Garza for long at-bats, they'll tire him out quickly and he'll be ganked in the 5th when the Sox have scored 6 runs. This one's ours. I CAN TASTE IT.


GHABB,Y~! said...

Not to be confused with Bruinsanuary, when they're eliminated from Stanley Cup contention.

Sh!tShow said...


This game tastes like whiskey?

Zach Martin said...

and maybe a hand job if we're lucky.

No, wrong. This is punishment.

I know you won't understand this analogy FMRA, because you are a dirty vegetarian or vegan, or some crap, but a handy is kind of like a cook-it-yourself style steak joint. Sure the quality of meat is a little better and it’s a fun experience to enjoy with someone else (or lots of else's if your Michael Irving’s cock circa 1995), but all I think about is the fifty-fucking-dollars I could have saved if I cooked the cow at home. My mind seems to wander while I’m COOKING MY OWN FOOD AT A RESTAURANT to what the steak would taste like if Bobby Flay, or some other, you know, student in the art of cooking, was grilling the bovine in my stead. How succulent and tender it would be – a perfect pink center that keeps on keeping on until I am satisfied.

A hand job is great, but it is also the BIGGEST cocktease in the world. It makes you want the real thing even more – succulent and tender – a perfect pink center.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...


smurphette said...

"unbelivably" tasteless?

for shame, madam. also, "acting-drunker-than-she-is" = well played. it always amazes me that dudes can't spot them.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

ACK. I did it in the 10 minutes before I left my office and didn't have time to proofread, ok?

But it's fixed now :)