Red Sox v. DEVIL Rays (hey, it worked on Monday!), 7:10 pm. First place in the AL East remains a cocktease: a ruthless, shameless, relentless, glossy-lipped, hard-nippled, acting-drunker-than-she-is whore of a cocktease. It's time we called this bitch's bluff and forced ourselves on her with drunken abandon. [Editorial note: Mass Hysteria is not responsible for any legal consequences that may arise from interpreting this in any other than a purely analogous sense.] We don't have the chance to move definitively into first tonight, but we can at least fight our way back to a virtual tie -- and maybe a hand job if we're lucky.
Your pitching match-up tonight features none other than Tim Wakefield (9-10, 3.92), who's been nothing short of dominant in his career at Tropicana Field. Wake's last appearance against the THIRD PLACE THAT'S RIGHT AHEAD OF THE YANKEES LOL Blue Jays was magnificent; he tossed 8 shutout innings and allowed just 3 hits in the Sox win. He'll face Matt Garza (11-9, 3.60), who's also quite good but is pitching on just 3 days' rest. I sincerely hope a Scott Kazmir-style meltdown is in the offing. That would make me happy. That and a beer.
Frivolous prop bet of the night: In Monday night's game, we were treated to a Jason Bay solo shot that went up, never to come down... apparently, the ball found a way to transcend the spatio-temporal boundaries of our plane of existence and went blasting into a) the 5th dimension, b) a parallel universe where people live underwater and the Orioles have won 110 games, or c) the vast, empty cavern where Travis Hafner's brain is supposed to be. Will the ball return tonight to astonish and delight us with its Tales of the Beyond? Yes, but I bet Joe Maddon will complain about it.
Serious prediction of the night: It's going to be a close game, for sure, but if the Sox batting lineup can work Garza for long at-bats, they'll tire him out quickly and he'll be ganked in the 5th when the Sox have scored 6 runs. This one's ours. I CAN TASTE IT.