Monday, September 15, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

Red Sox v. DEVIL Rays, goddamn it, 7:10 pm. True to form, the fevered headline-writing geniuses over at have cleverly dubbed the couple of weeks to come "Octoberquest." WOOOO OCTOBERQUEST! The Brewers appear determined to challenge the Mets for the title of Team That Ate It Most Dramatically In September this year, as a swift descent to 7.5 games back of the Cubs capped off by a 4-game sweep by the Phillies has prompted the firing of manager Ned Yost. But who, you may ask, will be the interim manager? Why, it's none other than our old friend Dale Sveum, whom Sox fans will remember as the most unbelievably terrible third-base coach ever to grace the grounds of Fenway Park from the '04 and '05 seasons. Sveum had been serving as the 3rd-base coach in Milwaukee, and, I can only assume, has been promoted to ensure that he will no longer be in a position to get every runner who passes second base thrown out. WATCH OUT EVERYONE HERE COME THE BREWERS! And by "here come the Brewers" I mean "welcome to the playoffs, Houston."

But that's neither here nor there. Well, I suppose it's technically there, meaning Milwaukee, but it's certainly not here, Boston, nor in any other plane of existence I could possibly give a shit about. And what better way to remind us all of that than The Series To End All Series, as Boston and Tampa Bay prepare to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Baseball for the much-contested AL East lead? Fuck, I really need to stop recycling my material. No but seriously you guys, THIS is the super-important winner-takes-all Series To Determine The AL East Overlord. With the DEVIL Rays' lead whittled down to a mere game, both teams will throw it all on the line tonight. (Note that the Sox and the DEVIL Rays have actually both won 88 games, but the DEVIL Rays have played 2 fewer games and thus technically have a better record. For christ's sake. I've been bitching about the schedule discrepancy for MONTHS and this shit's STILL not fixed?! BUD SELIG I SWEAR TO GOD.

Anyway, idiotic MLB scheduling gaffes notwithstanding, tonight's pitching match-up is... intriguing, to say the least. We have Daisuke Matsuzaka (16-2, 2.97), a pitcher whose stats are in actuality much better than he, against Scott Kazmir (11-6, 2.99), a pitcher whose stats very much belie how dominant he is capable of being. Intriguing, I say! In other words, I have no idea how this will go down. Kazmir pitches well at the Trop, but... the DEVIL Rays are little bitches, so, like, there's that.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: I bet I switch to MNF halfway through. Wait, what?

Serious prediction of the night: Dice-K got shelled by the DEVIL Rays in his last outing against them, tossing 102 pitches in just 5 innings. All jokes about Matsuzaka's reliability aside, I doubt lightning will strike twice for this Tampa Bay team. I see a solid 7 innings with just 3 runs let up from Matsuzaka. Oh, and I bet Kazmir gets lit up like a trailer park at Christmas. 7-4, Sox.


GHABB,Y~! said...

Octoberquest is best said with a retainer in your mouth and/or headgear.

Zach Martin said...

I bet I switch to MNF halfway through. Wait, what?

I see, start writing for a new blog and all of a sudden you're too good for your humble roots. SHAME. ON. YOU. FMRA. SHAME. ON. YOU.

On a side notem, I am off to coach rich white high school kids as they stomp the yard with whiny minorities in baseball. Love it.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Can Dale Sveum still wave players home from the dugout, per say Prince Fielder on a double?

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

If the NFL does not retain Eddie Muscles, he will end football.

Sh!tShow said...

Sh!tShow still bets!

Take the Eagles tonight on the money line. Its as sure a thing as me not getting called back by the waitress to whom I drunkenly gave my phone number yesterday. SMOOOOOOOOTH!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Please. Like a girl who spent HALF AN HOUR HAND-GLITTERIZING THE RAYS LOGO could ever forget about her beloved blog and her "roots". Honest to god, I just hate watching Matsuzaka pitch. It gives me aneurysms. Those are bad.

futuremrsrickankiel said...




Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Thank you Scott Kazmir for allowing us to win the AL East

/prematurely ejaculates

Sh!tShow said...

You may now switch to MNF.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

On another note Nate Dogg had a stroke, like three days after I posted Regulators. Maybe next time I should I post a Jonas brothers video.