To prepare for tonight’s game, we interviewed Tampa’s favorite family, the Hogans:
Hulk: You know somethin Mean Gene, the Rays might lose first place tonight brother. That scares the Hulkster to his core, because the Rays MegaPowered success this year has been like when I took the largest arms in the world and bodyslammed the 900-pound Giant in the Pontiac Silverdome at Wrestlemania 3 brother, causing a tidal wave in the Pacific ocean and killing 500,000 Mister Fujis brother. Speaking of Japan brother, the Sox are pitching that Daisuke brother against the Rays, brother. Daisuke’s 16-2 and has been squashing brothers like Yokozuna before I bodyslammed him in Wrestlemania 8, creating the Grand Canyon brother. If the Rays lose and fall out of first place brother, I could see their season falling into that Grand Canyon, which can grow into a Hulkacanyon if it says its prayers and takes its vitamins brother.
Linda: OMG I HRRRRD THE JAPANEEZ EAT DOGZ! I HOPE THEY DON’T HRRT ONE OF OUR DOGZ! /buys another four dogs, sleeps with a 19-year-old
Nick: Dude, the Rays may lose first place? No way dude!
/drives drunk into telephone pole
Brooke: I, like, heard the Rays are pitching Scott Kazmir tonight against that Chinese guy. I hope Kazmir notices my boobs, which totally aren’t, like, fake at all. I sure hope he’s one of the 39 people nationwide who totally bought my album, which is like available at record stores and stuff. Daddddy, can you lather me up?
Hulk : Sure thing brother. Brother, nice cheeks. They remind me of when I gave the big boot to King Kong Bundy, causing him to fall and create Mt. Everest and Killamanjaro.
/inappropriately lathers Brooke’s ass with tanning lotion
Linda: LOLZ HULK UR SO INIPPROPRIUTT
/describes, in detail, her sexual encounters with 19-year-old to National Enquirer
Nick: /is brutally raped in prison
Brooke: But Daddy, can our Rays be more successful tonight than my album?
Hulk: I dunno brother. That Kazmir brother is 11-6 with a 2.99 ERA brother, but the Rays haven’t won at Fenway Park this year brother, which is where I ended the Gulf War by defeating Sgt. Slaughter and punching that evil brother Saddam in the face with my 24-inch pythons brother. The Rays are also on a four-game losing streezy, and have lost five or their last six brother.
Linda: BUT WUT ABOUT THOSE YUNG RAYZ THAT I WANT TO BANG LULZ!!!!11!!!!!111!!!!!!111!!!!11!!!
Brooke: Well, like, I heard that B.J. Upton pulled his left quad yesterday, and Evan Longoria, whose name sounds like Eva Longoria WHO IS A BITCH BECAUSE SHE GETS IN US MAGAZINE INSTEAD OF ME, still isn’t ready to play yet.
Nick: /bites on pillow while being branded on the ass with a swastika by his Neo-Nazi cellmate
Linda: OMG THOZE HURT RAYZ MAKES ME SOOOO SAD I WANNA BUY TEN MORE DOGZ CUZ IM SO SAD
Hulk: Linda brother, don’t you already have 28 dogs already brother? We’ve got more dogs than the 101 Dalmations I freed from Cruella de Ville before bench-pressing the Empire State Building and dropping the big leg on Hitler brother, ending World War II brother. Brother brother, brother brother brother brother, brother.
Linda: THATZ IT I WANNA DIVORCE. /gets another boob job
Nick: /bleeds from the anus
Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Nick Hogan spends an evening quietly reading in prison, without the fear of rape, unwanted tattoos or large men wanting to cuddle.
Serious Prediction of the Night: Daisuke throws six shutout innings, Sox win 5-2.