Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!

Red Sox v. Orioles, 7:05 pm. HERE COMES JON LESTAH! The unshakeable Sox lefty (12-5, 3.41) will face Baltimore's Radhames Liz (5-3, 6.95), of whom you've likely never heard because he's totally unremarkable. I only remember him because his first name sounds like an ancient Egyptian pharaoh and his last name sounds like a girl... also because he makes a weird clicking sound when he pitches that makes me think he might be fluent in Dolphin. Someone please let me write this kid's Wikipedia entry!

We're heading into tonight a solid 5 games behind the (goddamn) Rays. As NESN never tires of reminding us, it's "Mission: SOXTOBER." Game on, Baltimore. Surely you benefit from us winning the division... because, honestly, if a team like Tampa Bay can turn it around, then WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR EXCUSE ANYMORE?! The Sox win the East, and all is right with the world. Just lie back and let it happen.

Frivolous prop bet of the night: Don and Jerry love the Orioles because they've called two no-hitters against them (Hideo Nomo and Clay Buchholz, in spectacular demonstration of the fact that it's not so much badass pitching skills you need to throw a no-hitter as it is a really abysmally shitty offense to throw against). Whenever they get bored during an O's game, they start showing footage of one or the other. I'd put the over-under on "no-hitter mentions" at, oh, 15 tonight.

Serious prediction of the night: 8-1, Sox. No explanation necessary; the O's suck and I will personally punch StartingAces at our fantasy draft tonight if we lose.

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WHAT

WHAT DO YOU WANT

WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS

...

oh, FINE.

A Boston game tonight! Such strife we've had:
From 5 games back of Tampa Bay we seek
A victory unto our board to add
And thus to win, by last September week,
The Eastern title. Lo, I bid you mark
The fearsome curveball of Sir Lester, that
Posseseth such a fearsome cut and arc,
I'd wager not a single brandished bat
From Baltimore shall contact make. But, lo!
This dark-eyed young opposing pitcher hath
Attained, as well, a no-hitter. Five-oh.
I venture, still, that young Pedroia's wrath
Shall make short work of him. For Boston, then!
And praise the saints that Lester's in our pen.

5 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

IN-A-GADDA-DA-LESTER BABY
DON'T YOU KNOW I THROW CURVEBALL
IN-A-GADDA-DA-LESTER BABY
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I'LL ALWAYS THROW THEM

/40-minute guitar/keyboard solo

Zach Martin said...

I once dated a Liz Radhames. She too was unremarkable and made weird clicking sounds when sucking dick. I miss the Diceman.

Starting Aces said...

When I draft Ricky Williams again, it will be so endearing you won't be able to punch me.

Pepster said...

Starting Aces - if you want the Chargers defense, make sure that you draft them in the second round, or that your third round pick is before the FMRA.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I lost two money baseball leagues by a half a point and point respectively. I am going to punch Justin Duchesherer and JD Drew in the dick.