Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight! What? Huh?

As 90% of the Tampa Ray fans are over the age of 65, we at MH feel a need to honor our elders. Therefore this nightly previews is dedicated to the old, senile and odoriferous elderly baseball fans who read our blog. In an effort for them to better understand what the preview is talking about I have added translations in parenthesis for the elderly

Red Sox vs. Rays, 7:05 at Fenway

Josh Beckett takes the mound tonight in only his second start since coming off the DL (Thats the Designated List, kind of like what happened to you when you broke your hip last year as you fell trying to get the Egg Beaters from the back of the refrigerator). Beckett looked strong against the Texas Rangers (state where all the Mexicans live), scattering 4 hits over 5 innings while striking out 7. The Tampa Bay Rays (team filled with foreigners) are soaring high after hitting two runs in the 9th inning off of Jonathan Papelbon (he is the Red Sox player that looks mentally retarded). Andy Sonnanstine will be pitching for the Rays, he is showing a lot of promise this year (He has been about as strong as your heart was after your third bypass surgery). Tonight is a game that is a must win for both teams, the Sox need to stay in the race, and the Rays need to build their lead. Both teams have strong coaches who are wise and put together strategies that put pressure on the other team, this will be a chess match that will be a last man standing type affair.(a modern day Rommel vs. Montgomery)

The batters for the Red Sox have been hitting the ball well as of late, and should continue to hit well tonight (they are as hot as you were when you lit your suspenders on fire with that new fangled electric stove). Jason Bay (the guy we got when we traded that Port-o Rican guy to the Dodgers) was almost the hero last night as he hit a go ahead two run home run in the 8th inning. As he watched his home run go he pleaded with the ball GET UP GET UP (which we all know you have been yelling at your genitalia for years now). Of course Bay wasn't the only hero out there, Dan Johnson, who hours before was playing with the Durham Bulls (there is a movie about this team, which was made way past your time and is filled with dirty language and smut), hit a home run off Papelbon. It seems everyone on the Rays has had a big hit this year: Dioner Navarro (Negroid), Akinori Iwamura (Jap) and Rocco Baldelli (invalid) have all chipped in.

Tonight will be a big game for both teams, and Fenway Park and Boston should be packed (If you are in town and driving to the game you should have left at 11am). Traffic in the city is going to be brutal, so I would recommend taking the T if you are going to the game (DONT take the T, its filled with hookers, pimps and chuds, and the subway is confusing and scary). If you were lucky enough to get tickets, you are in an envious situation because tonight is going to be one hell of a game that will be a battle to the end. (Well you probably shouldn't go, its loud, parking and everything else is expensive, and they don't have sugar free/milk free ice cream substitute). Enjoy the game! (You will be asleep by the 3rd inning, why do they start the games so late?)

Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night
: The Red Sox will be down 3-2 bases loaded in the 9th, Troy Percival will be winding up to pitch when all of a sudden Eric Hinske slams a steel chair over Percival's head. Hinske rips off his Rays jersey to reveal a Sox jersey. As the winning run scores, Hinske pours a Budweiser over Percival as the lights fade. (Oh sorry old folks forgot you were all still here. Your Prop bet is that tonight Wilford Brimley will be summoned from the bullpen and strike out three young whipper snappers in a row all while curing diabetus! HOORAY!)

Serious Prediction
: Rays won't stand a chance in this one, Beckett goes strong. Sonnanstine will get knocked around. Sox pull of an easy one 6-1. (This game will be as fun to watch as Johnny Carson singing with the Rat Pack)


Zach Martin said...

Old people jokes and racism...I am always pleased. Favorite moment from "Boston Sport Tonight!"

Dioner Navarro (Negroid)


futuremrsrickankiel said...

BAH! I totally missed this because of band rehearsal last night... freaking awesome, Haze!

dAndy ManCandy said...

I though the DL was the disabled list? I could be wrong though....

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Welcome to Mass Hysteria. Where my grammar is terrible, and I make stupid mistakes all the time.