Thursday, September 25, 2008

All in the Name of Mass Hysteria Sports

Yes, that says "" Yes, HzMLS and I were completely out of control at the Sox game last night. I mean, wouldn't you have been? It was a completely meaningless game, we had a few drinks before we even entered the friendly confines, and there were two smoking hot drunk 20-year-old chicks sitting right in front of us. Fun and ridiculousness ensued. I really told myself I would stop writing blogs like this, and stop being completely obnoxious to drunk girls, but Jesus this was a slam fucking dunk.

So we get to our seats in the middle of the first inning and the drunk girls make themselves known right off the bat. Besides barely being able to function, they were swaying, falling over, saying inappropriate things, spilling drinks, etc. HzMLS and I zone in and the lies begin. We go to BC, no, we went to BC. We're from RI, no CT, no RI. We're not yet 21. No wait, we just turned 21. I am barely able to keep up. Suffice it to say it was one of the more elaborate lies I've ever been a part of. After the fun of that wears off, HzMLS grabs a notebook and begins writing page after page of the following:

Now, I'm no marketing wizard, but I think this is a brilliant idea. He then starts to plant these notes in various places: inside the girls' hoodies, stuffed into one of the girl's purses...but then pulls off the best one yet. Enjoy it:

Yes, he was able to shove it in her back pocket without her realizing. But random lies and agressive marketing aside, there also was a baseball game. Fresh off kicking Gary Sheffield's ass, Fausto Carmona got the ball for the Indians, and he had just a miserable outting. Seriously, I bet like 15 pitches in he was wishing that he had elected to serve his suspension. 50 pitches in the first inning. 50!

Unfortunately, the Sox offense kind of died after that, and totally-going-to-be-in-the-bullpen-in-the-playoffs Paul Byrd let the Indians back into it and we had a 4-4 game on our hands. Jeff Bailey and Mark Kotsay took matters into their own hands though, and the mighty MDC closed it out for a meaningless win, yay! Also, JD Drew actually played!


A Pimp Named DaveR said...


Zach Martin said...

HzMLS grabs a notebook and begins writing page after page of the following:

Awesomeness aside, how does this happen? Is HMLS an old-timezy beat reporter? Where did he get the notepad? Was there an after party, or at the very least a hotel lobby? Are there pics of non-covered up face and chest? I am intrigued...

The A-Train said...

for a second, I got all excited that it was FMRA. Then I realized it couldn't be her as she

a) was not wearing a pink hat
b) was not yelling her phone number at grady sizemore
c) was not yelling her phone number at Jed Lowrie
d) was not yelling her phone number at the beer vendor in exchange for beer after the 7th inning

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Um, also because I don't rock a shitty $35 platinum dye job with my roots showing. Thanks!

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Look, I wasn't carry the notebook the founder of was. But he was too timid to make an ass of himself in front of these girls. Me on the other hand? I have no morals whatsoever.

SmartyBarrett said...

@zach martin
Yeah, our friends at The Ejected Fan bring notebooks to every game looking for blog material.

Another classic moment:
Me: So are you a natural blonde?
Virtually everyone within earshot (to me): Are you a fucking idiot?

Zach Martin said...

I LOVE the commitment.

I feel like every good sporting event hook-up or just tom-foolery story starts with "there were two smoking hot drunk 20-year-old chicks sitting right in front of us." Its kinda like how every good Kobe story starts with "So, I was fucking this girl in the ass, right?"


The A-Train said...


Hey, you went to school in Jersey. JERSEY!

stanley cup of chowder said...

This is guerilla marketing at its finest. Very resourceful. There is no greater medium to reach your demographic of skeevy horny males age 18-34 than drunk 20 year old girls.

Rocco said...

She looks smart. Fits all my requirements too:

Fake blonde.
Fuck me eyes.
20 and drunk.

@Zach: anytime smoking hot drunk 20 year old girls are involved, I'd have to say it turns out well. Well said.

Rocco said...

Oh, and I would also "absolutely destroy that chick". I don't have to explain, do I kids?