Friday, August 29, 2008

Wrestlers of Yore: Virgil


With Barack Obama’s acceptance speech last night coming on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, it is certainly an appropriate time to think about African-American history, and their progress in American society since the shameful days of slavery. Whether you agree with Obama’s politics or not, you must admit that his candidacy is certainly ground-breaking, and that America has a very strong chance of electing their first African-American president. If you had asked a slave owner in the 1840s what they thought African-Americans would be doing now, “running for President” would probably be last on their list. In fact, their view of the future would probably look a little something like this:


For those unfamiliar, the figure in the background is Mike Jones, better known as Virgil, the “manservant” of the Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase. Virgil would perform such tasks as carrying DiBiase’s money, shining his boots (and occasionally kissing them), chauffering his master, and holding DiBiase’s clothes while he wrestled. Virgil, named as such to mock WCW creative head Virgil “Dusty Rhodes” Runnels, never spoke, or even wore a shirt under his sparkling vest. Sadly, this wasn’t even the most racist African-American stereotype going on in the WWF at the time:

Yes, that's a spear in his hand.
Of course, Virgil would eventually turn on DiBiase, hitting him with the Million Dollar Belt (the coolest belt EVER by the way). However, being a black man in the ‘90s WWF, Virgil obviously couldn’t be counted on to have the brains or talent to win on his own, so he employed the help of the so-white-he-wore-a-kilt Roddy Piper, who taught him the complicated “punch people with your fists” wrestling technique, as well as how to wear wrestling pants that accentuated your man-bulge. This master technique would lead to Virgil getting his comeuppance on DiBiase, winning the Million Dollar Belt from him at Summerslam ’91.


Virgil would lose the Million Dollar Belt back to DiBiase a few months later, and would languish in the lower card for the rest of his WWF stay. He would then sign with WCW in 1996, and was given the name “Vincent,” to make fun of WWF head Vince McMahon. Vincent served as the “head of security” for the nWo, and was never really allowed to talk. He would later change his name to “Curly Bill” and join the West Texas Rednecks faction, completing the triumvirate of embarrassment. Not only was he the butt of two inside jokes, but he was now a black redneck in a group that recorded the song “Rap is Crap.” And if those weren’t enough to make you feel bad for Mike Jones, the following picture of loneliness from a recent wrestling convention, will:


Despite having no fans and a series of terrible gimmicks, Jones can take solace in one thing. According to wrestling lore, Jones was hired by the WWF in the first place not due to his wrestling ability or fan-friendly look, but because of the fact that he unfurled his reportedly 11” dong on the table in front of WWF executive Pat Patterson, who hired him on the spot. Stories of Jones’ “largesse” have been confirmed by a number of wrestlers, who noted that groupies would often run screaming after seeing the gargantuan “Little Virgil.” It’s ironic– the man who was made to portray so many negative black stereotypes is widely known backstage for portraying a positive one, that of the black man with the giant penis. Martin Luther King Jr. would be proud.

10 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I had no clue Don Cheadle was a 'rassler.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

This was awesome.

Zach Martin said...

Dick jokes and racism...now that's what I'm talking about!

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Virgil's dick is no joke, son.

Zach Martin said...

he unfurled his reportedly 11” dong on the table in front of WWF executive Pat Patterson

I to tried this, with different results. :(

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The mental imagery involved with the word "unfurled" is really quite something.

Zach, I'm not sure what about your comment made me laugh so hard... I think it was the little frowny face at the end.

Rocco said...

You do know Obama has 0% African-American in him, right? Do your research.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Oh I thought he was one of those guys that got jobs because of the color of his skin, and everything else handed to him.....At least thats what Bill O'Reilly told me.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I thought he was an escaped gorilla. At least that's what Dennis & Callahan told me.

Anonymous said...

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