Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Worst Baseball Game Ever


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What does one SAY?

I don't WANT to post about that fucking abomination of a bullshit football/baseball/croquet/Calvinball game last night. I know Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy were doing their very best to convince me that last night's game was "one of the most exciting games we've seen at Fenway this year," but you know what? It'd only have been exciting if I were a 10-year-old kid. Kids like lots of hits. Kids and Texans. Smart Sox fans should have been having ANEURYSMS during last night's game. Exciting? I mean. There's exciting like, "I baked you some fresh cupcakes with pink sprinkles!" exciting, and then there's exciting like, "We've never tried this treatment before, and we honestly don't know if it will be successful or not" exciting. One kind of exciting is good. The other kind is BAD. You with me so far?

Because the Sox are a big-market AL team, we've all been spoiled into thinking that big ball and powerful offense are what's going to make us champions again. Meanwhile, the consistency of our pitching has been slowly eroding since the beginning of this season while we've all allowed ourselves to be lulled into complacency by no-hitters and Papelbon's Dropkick Murphy shenanigans. Last night was the fucking kiss of death on this season, as far as I'm concerned. Don't blame Charlie Zink -- kid looked good for 4 innings in his major-league debut. Aardsma and Delcarmen I'm less willing to make excuses for: both veterans who should be perfectly capable of obtaining the requisite number of outs to end an inning (I HEAR IT'S ONLY 3), neither one of them proved capable of delivering under pressure last night. Hurrah, Okie looked great and Papelbon looked decent, but TWO errors on Kevin Youkilis?! I'm not ready to write him a free pass just because he clobbered in the game-winning homer, dammit. Last night was sloppier than after-prom sex. Messier than a fat man at an all-you-can-eat pudding party. Uglier than your mom first thing in the morning. About as painful as slamming your hand in a car door.

Spin it all you want, Red Sox Nation... last night, I saw a team that looked like it was just about ready to give up on the fundamentals. PITCHING. FIELDING. Not to mention the fact that Mike "Remember when I won the World Series MVP?" Lowell appears to be flitting in and out of health. We've got a solution in that Lowrie can play 3B while Cora steps in at SS, but that leaves us with a lineup sorely devoid of power (and no, I don't think Youk playing 3B is a long-term solution). Bottom line is that relying on our offense is going to get us absolutely dick in a postseason where we're likely to have to face hurlers like John Lackey and K-Rod, if not the feisty young stylings of the Minnesota and Tampa Bay rotations... not to mention the fact that NL pitching is supremely nasty good this season, which means no more cakewalk in the Series. If we can't play ball, we can't play ball, and that's the bottom line.

You know those nightmares where you're suddenly caught in a public place with no clothes on? I'd imagine that's what the Sox bullpen felt like last night.

Sorry. I've got nothing funny to say about last night's game. I'll never write off the Red Sox, because, well, they're my Red Sox... but I'm not going to let last night's shitfest go, either. I'll call them a championship team when they start playing like a goddamn championship team.

7 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Hey it could have been worse, we could thrown Buchholz into the mix.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Vinatieri would have hit those extra points.

Anonymous said...

I heard the score in the second inning...went about my evening as I live out of Sox zone in eastern UpstateNY. Saw the score as I fell asleep and it was 19-16. WTF?????
Why does a 19 run game have to be close????
Aneurysm might not be strong enough.
Boatdrinks

SmartyBarrett said...

Hey, did you catch the football game last night?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

/co-worker'd



Also FMRA, it was only one game. One very very ugly game to be sure, but just one game. That's about as small a sample size as it gets.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Pfft haha thank you for justifying me NOT writing a satirical "Last Night's Football Game" post, as SOME editors were PRESSURING me to do. COUGH COUGH DAVER COUGH COUGH.

And I know it's only one game. However, I see it as symptomatic of larger things. Fair?

SmartyBarrett said...

Agree. I think the most pressing long-term concern (and confirmed in Gammo's chat on boston.com today) is the health of Mike Lowell.

Rocco said...

Still a W.