Friday, August 22, 2008

On Tap This Weekend: Various Birds

Another weekend of meaningless football and divisional drudgery awaits us all. GAHH. I recommend malt liquor and video games. Only 2 weeks until football season starts...

Courtesy of HMLS...

Pats v. Eagles, Friday, 7:30 pm.

The Story: Asante Samuel returns to Gillette Stadium for the first time as a member of the Eagles -- Samuel, who will undoubtedly follow in the injury-plagued footsteps of other ex-Pats who chased the green (Damien Woody, Deion Branch, David Givens). Controversy brewed when Wes Welker said that Samuel left the Pats for the money. Well duh, but anyways Welker apologized/retracted saying his comments were "taken out of context". Pussy. Stick with what you said: you were right, plus it could have made what would otherwise be a very boring preseason football game watchable. The big question that has yet to be answered is whether or not Tom Brady will play tonight. He hasn't played a snap this entire preseason (not that he has to), but personally I am getting tired of watching the Three Stooges battle it out to be his back up. Another thing that will make this game interesting will be the inevitable Randy Moss touchdown over Samuel's head. Donovan McNabb has a lot to prove this year after playing like shit the past two. Things will not be easy for him, as one of his favorite targets, Kevin Curtis, will be out for about a month. Brian Westbrook has the daunting task of carrying the entire offense on his shoulders... basically, the minute he gets hurt the Eagles' season is over. The last two preseason games, I got drunk and completely lost interest somewhere in the second quarter. Tonight should be no different.

The 5 Questions:
* Will Tom Brady play? Or will he spend his Friday night between Gisele's limbs?
* Will our offense finally show up?
* How long will it be before McNabb gets injured?
* Will I actually watch this game after the half is over?
* Were the people who claimed Chad Jackson would be the #3 receiver actually serious?

The Drinking Game
* Everytime they show highlights of Asante Samuel in a Pats uniform, drink.
* Everytime the camera focuses on John Lynch on the sidelines, drink.
* Whenever the announcers talk about Donovan McNabb's "intangible", "leadership" or "durability" qualities, drink.
* Whenever Chad Jackson fucks up a play, slam a beer.
* If the announcers refer to Brian Westbrook as the "guy who stirs the pot" or a "do-all RB," drink
* Whenever Cassel, Gutierrez, or O'Connell badly misses a target, drink.

The Prediction:
Eagles 21 Patriots 20
The Patriots will have some moments where they actually look alive, but will stall out in the fourth quarter. Matt Cassel will continue to suck ass, playing his fiddle as Foxborough burns to the ground. Brady will play two series and completely dissect the Eagles defense, then get tired of this silliness and head to the bench. Cameras will catch Brady fast asleep on the sidelines after the 3rd consecutive Patriots three and out under Kevin O'Connell. Defensively, sometime late in the first quarter Jarrod Mayo will break Donovan McNabb in two, causing the Eagles QB to miss the first two weeks of the season. The announcers will not miss the chance to call McNabb a warrior filled with grit and fortitude. The Patriots will drop yet another game, but again, this is a preseason game, so it doesn't really matter. As long as we stay healthy.

Thanks, Haze! As for this weekend in baseball (baseball? That shit still going on?)...

Red Sox v. Blue Jays.The Blue Jays have been just a big ol' thorn in our side this season. We're 2-6 against them so far, mostly because they have a truly badass starting rotation (we've actually beaten Roy Halladay once, but have been stymied by Shawn Marcum, Jesse Litsch, and Roy Halladay two other times). And, well, we've still got 10 fucking games left to play against them. GOD I HATE THE NEW SCHEDULING RULES.'s Eric Wilbur pointed out recently that the Sox are just 22-23 against the rest of the AL East (that's 22-24 after last night), but 50-30 against everybody else. No question, the division's stacked this year. Here's hoping the deplorable Sox bullpen won't be called upon too much this weekend, and that we can finally assert ourselves against these damn Canadians and their hideous baby blue throwbacks.

Your match-ups:

Friday, 7:07 pm. Paul Byrd (7-11, 4.55) faces Toronto for the 3rd consecutive time (whoa) against impressive righty Shaun Marcum (8-5, 3.36), whom Red Sox bats have simply not been able to hit. Damn you, Marcum! Note that the game starts at 7:07. I'm assuming this is because it's on the metric system. FUCK YOU AND YOUR SOCIALIZED MEDICINE, CANADA!

Saturday, 1:07 pm. The untouchable Jon Lester (12-4, 3.17) will bring his lefty stylings to the mound against adorable fastballing whiz kid Jesse Litsch (8-7, 4.20). Between Litsch and Lester, this might go down as the most freckled pitching match-up in history. My vote for game of the weekend. Hot stuff, kids!

Sunday, 1:07 pm. Yet another Toronto pitcher who consistently puts the chokeslam on the Boston offense: AJ Burnett (16-9, 4.51), who is 4-0 with a dazzling 1.98 ERA in his career against the Red Sox. MY GOD. Burnett walked struck out [Ed. note: sorry, it's been a long week.] 13 batters in his last start against the (goddamn) Yankees. Daisuke "BABIP Is My Best Friend" Matsuzaka (15-2, 2.77) will hurl for Boston as the offense tries to get it together against Burnett. Matsuzaka's been holding opposing batters to just .213 (not counting all the WALKS, of course), so this should be a tight game.

Enjoy the games! Have a great weekend, everybody. Extra points if you buy me a drink and mail it to me.


The A-Train said...

I'm pretty sure AJ Burnett struck out 13 Yankees, not walked. It's a little hazy as I was drinking heavily during that game. It's my standard operating procedure for games Rasner starts: Drink until I can't see the scoreboard at the top of the screen. Used to be easy, then my fuckhead of a roommate had to get a 42" plasma. I think he secretly wants me dead so he can watch TV again.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Fuck. Obviously that's what I meant. I'm just so used to using the word "walked" when writing blurbs that involve Matsuzaka...

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I praised God this morning when I saw that we didn't have to face Halladay again.

shaun said...

I asked about this once to a Canadian friend, and he said they start at :07 because they have to do the Canadian national anthem also, which explains the extra two minutes.

Which is stupid, since (I've never been to Fenway, regrettably), I'd assume we do both anthems when Toronto comes to town, and I don't see the Sox starting at :07 or :37.

Blame Canada.