Friday, August 8, 2008

On tap this weekend: Feuding Footwear!

It'll be a Battle Royale between differently-colored socks on the South Side this weekend, as the Red Sox look to overtake Tampa Bay in the AL East standings (GOD I AM SO SICK OF HAVING TO TYPE THAT) and the White Sox look to defend their paper-thin half-game lead over the Twins in the AL Central. With Manny gone, it'll be up to Ozzie Guillen (or me, I suppose) to provide the feisty Latino element in this series. The White Sox are competent but honestly boring as fuck, soooo I guess here's hoping some kind of moose-like creature wanders into the middle of US Celluar Field tonight and spices things up somewhat. It's been a long-ass day after a long-ass night and I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard just thinking about Mark Buehrle.

Incidentally, the Brian Giles trade fell through, and no one cared. Riveting, I know.

Maestro: the match-ups, if you will.

Friday, 8:11 pm. AL Pitcher of the Month Jon Lester (10-3, 3.14) will take on Boring Buehrle (8-10, 4.07). Every year I draft Mark Buehrle in like the 15th round of my fantasy baseball draft and every year I wind up chucking him in the middle of May because I remember that his ERA is more bloated than your mom after All-You-Can-Eat Ribs Night. Now (of course) he's managed to pull under 5.a billion, specifically because I dropped him from my team. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, OZZIE GUILLEN. Also, the geek in me really wants to point out that Jon Lester's ERA is pi. Now the jackass in me wants to beat the geek in me up and stuff her into a locker.

Saturday, 7:05 pm. Enormous, chatty Cuban Jose Contreras (7-6, 4.76) vs. soft-spoken Japaneasy Daisuke Matsuzaka (12-2, 3.04). LOL THEY'RE SO DIFFERENT, BUT I BET THEY WILL FIND THEY HAVE MANY THINGS IN COMMON. The Futures games at Fenway are also Saturday, incidentally. Will I be there wearing an inappropriately short skirt and scandalizing the children as I holler my phone number at minor-league hotties? You betcha.

Sunday, 2:05 pm. A lovely afternoon on the South Side. Tune in to watch Clay Buchholz (2-7, 5.94) square off against Gavin Floyd (11-6, 3.66). If I can be sincere for a moment (just a moment, I promise), I think Buchholz is going to pitch very well this weekend. He's due for a quality outing. Someone dig him out from between his slutty girlfriend's thighs and make him go play catch or something to get his head together.

Monday, 8:11 pm. I don't know what's up with these weird-ass starting times either. All I know is that the final game of this series will feature Josh Beckett (10-8, 4.08) and ChiSox cutie John Danks (9-4, 3.21) in a Clash of the Texans. Sure to be a good one.

Also, a poll. I just saw a jewelry ad for something called the "River of Love Necklace." DOES ANYONE ELSE FIND THIS HIGHLY SEXUAL?! Is it just me?

Mull that one over as you kill time before you can hit the bar, my loves. Hope everyone's enjoying the new site design, by the way. I know I am. It's so sexy I kind of want to make out with my computer monitor.

Have a terrific weekend, everyone!

3 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

FMRA has always been a fan of the Pearl necklace, or so goes the legend.

Mathemagician said...

"Also, the geek in me really wants to point out that Jon Lester's ERA is pi."

That's irrational.

/bad math joke
//anticipating being stuffed in locker

The A-Train said...

the wonky start times are brought to you by 7-11.

I was trying to think of a context in which a love necklace wouldn't be another way of being a peral necklace and couldn't. Of course I was brain storming at happy hour (yeah we have those in NY. Suck it!) so that might have something to do with it.