Monday, August 25, 2008

Mass Hysteria's NFL Spectacular: AFC West Division Preview

Football season is almost upon us. As the summer continues to unwind, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing the divisions in the NFL to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life for the next five months. So grab your Doritos, drink a few cold ones, ignore your loved ones and enjoy. You can read past previews here: NFC West, NFC South, NFC East, NFC North

Why the San Diego Chargers will win the AFC West

Ladainian Tomlinson, when healthy, is the best running back in the game, year in and year out. Too bad he got hurt last year against the Pats, although it was fun watching him cry on the sidelines. Antonio Gates is a behemoth at TE, and this year will be a challenge for anyone to cover. The defense is pretty good too. According to FMRA, using some sort of zany statistical analysis she determined that the Bolts have the best defense in the NFL.

Why the San Diego Chargers will not win the AFC West

I am not sold on this team's passing game. Philip "Marmalard" Rivers was all over the place last year: strong games against garbage defenses (Oak, Denver & Detroit), but struggled mightily against the good teams (NE, TEN & JAX). If something happens to LT, or if he is actually contained by a defense, Rivers has not shown that he can lead a team. Chris Chambers and Vincent Jackson are both vanilla receivers who are decent #2's but can hardly take over a game. Getting back to the Bolts D, Shawne Merriman's health is a HUGE concern, and with him out their defense will look drastically different. Looks like he could really use some HGH right about now.

Why the Kansas City Chiefs will win the AFC West

KC finally has some semblance of a passing game after years of Elvis Grbac, Steve Bono, Trent Green, and Damon Huard. Not to say that Brodie Croyle will be much better, but he has three excellent targets in Dwayne Bowe, Tony Gonzalez and hopefully a healthy Larry Johnson. Johnson, who was out most of '07, needs to step up and be the dominant RB he claims to be, and with Brandon Albert added on the O-line he should have no excuses. The pass defense will be much improved from last year with the additions of Glen Dorsey and Brandon Flowers.

Why the Kansas City Chiefs will not win the AFC West

Ok in all seriousness, Brodie Croyle is not going to win you a division. I tried to make it sound reasonable before, but please, he is one of the bottom three starting QB's in the league. You watch him out there and say to yourself, "Seriously, Herm Edwards, is Croyle the best you can do? You want to put your season in his hands?" His supporting cast is laughable: Devard Darling? Jeff Webb? William Franklin? WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS???? The Chiefs' offense is one injury away from completely collapsing. The run defense was terrible last year, ranking 28th, and there are still plenty of holes in on the D-Line. This team might improve, but it's more likely that they will completely blow and finish in last place.

Why the Oakland Raiders will win the AFC West

JaMarcus Russell now has a year under his belt, starting four of the last games and coming out of training camp the clear starter this year. He has a legitimate number one wide receiver, who, if he isn't busy screwing up, could be a great target for a young developing QB. Prepare for the Adrian Peterson comparisons all year as Darren McFadden will help what was a huge weakness for the Raiders. The Raiders also have a ridiculously easy schedule, which should set them for a few easy wins. Al Davis, deep in his crypt, will be salivating at his team.

Why the Oakland Raiders will win not the AFC West

Like the Chiefs, this team is very young and will probably stumble against teams like New England and the Chargers. Javon Walker already has been called lazy by his coach and is a destructive clubhouse goon. The defense was terrible last year, and many experts think they will improve with D'Angelo Hall, who got stupidly overpaid. I say that the Raiders D was ranked 26th in points allowed and will still allow a buttload of points this year. I really want to see this team fail, I hate Al Davis and I hate their fucking fan base. Thanks for Randy Moss, retards.

Why the Denver Broncos will win the AFC West

Jay Cutler, aka Philip Rivers Redux, will be looking to have a breakout year and become the elite QB every talking head claims he will become. After Brandon Marshall comes back from his suspension for a DUI, he will be a dominant force on the Broncos offense. Marshall is a stellar human being as well, who in just a quarter of a century punched a cop, beat up his girlfriend, beat up his wife (police have been to his home 11 times for various complaints), and was present when Darrent Williams was murdered. Selvin Young will try to be the next RB to reap success in Mike Shanahan's system that made even Tatum Bell look good.

Why the Denver Broncos will not win the AFC West

The Broncos offense will have to play without Brandon Marshall for three games (two if he is a good boy and goes to counseling) two of those games being against San Diego and New Orleans. Without Marshall the team's offense could struggle and they could lose two important games immediately. Again, like Marmlard, I am not sold on Cutler just yet; he is inconsistent and erratic. The defense was very bad last year, and they did very little to improve it, waiting until the 5th round to draft a defensive lineman.

HMLS's Pick to win the AFC West : The San Diego Chargers. They will walk away with this division against three teams that are going to all be very bad this year. I love watching the Chargers lose, nothing beats LT crying and Marmalard going apeshit but the lack of talent in this division should not be much of a problem.

APNDR's Pick to Win the AFC West: Oh sure, everyone wants to pick the Chargers. "But they have the best talent, Pimp," you say. "Their defense is so good that it's worth a 3rd round pick in a fantasy draft," you say. "Boo hoo hoo, those mean men are mocking our roided-up defensive guy's dance that he does after every fucking play," you say (if you're LDT). But I say -- nay. Nay indeed. This is the year that Norv! finally puts his stamp on the Chargers. Which means that they'll be okay, but not great, and lose the division by one game to... The Denver Broncos. Because the Queefs and the Ex-Cons By The Bay aren't that good, so Denver has to be the one to edge out the soon-to-be-underachieving Chargers. Besides, have you seen Marmalard throw a football? For fuck's sake, I throw a tighter spiral than he does...

Also, I would not put a single dime on this prediction coming true. This division bites.

futuremrsrickankiel's Pick to Win the AFC West: I mean. I actually watch football rather than merely complaining about it. So I'm going to be lame and pick the Chargers. It's like the equivalent of going to a Thai restaurant and getting pad thai: yeah, it's totally boring and predictable, but nothing else on the menu looks appetizing. That analogy sucked, sure, but so does the fucking AFC West. Sue me. I'm so happy we get to play this division this year I could do a little dance.


futuremrsrickankiel said...


Pepster said...

Even before Merriman's injury, the Chargers Defense weren't even in the vicinity of a third round fantasy pick, nevertheless, the overall talent on that team, especially defensively, keeps them at the top spot in this division.

I saw Chambers in Miami, and he is capable of a 80+ catch, lots of yards year, and will make about 5 or 6 absolutely amazing catches this year.

SmartyBarrett said...

Chalk this up to one of SB's crazy predictions, BUT:

Phil Rivers is going to have a beast of a season.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Thats a pretty ballsy pick there Smarty, you know who else I think will have a big year?

His last name begins with R and rhymes with Mayan

Pepster said...

Clifton Ryan - the DT for St. Louis?

Zach Martin said...

@ SmartyBarrett

Former Illinois Governor George Homer Ryan? I don't know, it's hard to have a beast of a season when you're stuck in jail...Just ask Michael Dwayne Vick.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Meg Ryan! Oh, I just LOVE her in When Harry Met Sally.

The A-Train said...

Is it the next running back for the Broncos?

smurphette said...

oh, do you mean Ryan Torain, who has a broken arm and can't play until October?

/yanking futuremrs' chain


Rocco said...

I preferred her in Addicted to Love, or Kate and Leopold.

I'll take Trent Edwards for a huge year in a blatent homerism pick.

Zach Martin said...

Asleep at the wheel today?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Hey all, I promise there'll be something up this evening. We're all busy, and, well, today is boring as fuck.

Someone tell us a funny story!

The A-Train said...

so there's this girl at the gym I go to. We both do crossfit workouts, so there's some common interest there and we'll occasionally walk out together. Very fifth grade, I know. I'm hoping to hold hands with her next week, I hope she doesn't think I'm going too fast.

Anyway, we were outside last night talking some more and she says "can I ask you a question?" and I'm fucking ready for it. Phone number, hanging out, hot sweaty post-workout sex. Uh-huh, bangville here I come!

"Do you smoke?"

[sound of a car crashing]

She was asking about pot, but I don't smoke anything, so there was a nice big meatball hanging out there for everyone.

God, I need to go back to asking girls "does this rag smell like chloroform". It was so much easier that way.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

The obvious answer is you need to find a dealer and fast....weed isn't that bad. Especially if you are doing it for a broad. If the chick was hot enough I would pick up heroin for her.

The A-Train said...

I saw that in a movie once! It was supposed to be titled "holy shit, I lost my arm for this broad and now I'm in jail in florida while she's going ass-to-ass with some other chick" but they shortened the title to "requiem for a dream". philistines.