Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Manny Ramirez Celebrity Roast: Part 2 - HMLS

Since the trade deadline, your Mass Hysteria editors have pondered the best way to say goodbye to Manny. However, inspired by the genius of Cloris Leachman, we've come up with the perfect solution for our Manny catharsis. We present to you the Manny Ramirez Celebrity Roast:

From GHABB,Y!'s first installment:

"Our next roaster is the lovely and talented FutureMrsRickAnkiel. If Marlboro Points were earned for blowjobs given, she would've already won a speedboat and like five leather jackets. Her reasoning for covering hockey for the site was, and I quote "because I've never fucked on skates before." A dozen "icing penalties" later, I present to you, FutureMrsRickAnkiel..."

Actually the next roaster is going to be me, Hazel Mae's Landing Strip, Did you forget to take your insulin, dipshit? Last time you did that you ended up in a hot tub with Jeff Garcia with both of you weeping about how touching The Notebook was. Thank you all for inviting me to the Manny Ramirez roast. When I was invited to the roast, I was surprised, as I didn't know there was room on the schedule for a pussy whipped bitch with terrible grammar. It is a real pleasure to be here, because honestly I have not seen so many white men make fun of a man of color since a John McCain rally. But in all seriousness, Manny has given Boston a lot; big hits, home runs and the first interracial marriage ever to occur in Massachusetts. Manny was an icon here in Boston: he won with us, lost with us, and taught a generation of white rich kids how to grow dreadlocks. Manny is also an inspiration to all his countrymen back in his home country, acting as a role model to all kids who want to be rich and work whenever they please. Wait, Manny wasn't born in Mexico?

Manny's defense was always a mystery to us. I have never seen someone struggle so hard to get one little ball since FMRA tried to fuck Mike Lowell. Manny always was an adventure on the basepath. I have never seen someone struggle to run 45 feet -- he had more trouble with that then a retarded border jumper. Manny, we will miss your antics: peeing in the Green Monster, wearing your headphones in the outfield and more demands to leave than Amalie Benjamin after a date with A Pimp Named DaveR.

It is an honor to be here at this Roast, surrounded by all these tremendous athletes and bloggers. Just being here gives me a clear illustration of the kind of man who gets ass on a regular basis......and those that don't. Doug Mirabelli is here... it's great to see someone that got to play a sport, but was never an athlete. And I was honored to meet Tim Wakefield. It gave me the once-in-a-lifetime chance to reminisce with someone who played Major League Baseball before the "coloreds".

I would like to say hello to Jacoby Ellsbury. I hope the transition to Boston has been kind to you. There has never been a Boston athlete so adulated by females as our new center fielder. Just remember Jacoby, you can still catch herpes even if the chick isn't having an outbreak. You are just one tranny away from becoming Boston's A-Rod. But really, Jacoby if you continue to struggle to hit a curveball there are still other career opportunities for you. Just practice saying "Would you like your taco on a hard or soft shell?"

Also in attendance is Jonathan Papelbon. It was a tremendous lucky break that we got you to be our closer after you lost Bubba and Jenny. How is Lt. Dan? Paps you are an advertising machine, we are all just waiting for a billboard doctor to offer you enough money to advertise the "PapSmear", or putting your face on Vitalis which guarantees a Papelboner with every pill. Get on that you hick.

Finally I want to congratulate my other Mass Hysteria roasters. GHABB,Y!, you are heroic in your fight against Diabetes. Question: when you are railing Tim Tebow, does the insulin pump ever get in the way? FutureMrsRickAnkiel, you bring a lot to the table: great insight, funny jokes, and a list of men you've banged that is longer than Schindler's. Finally, A Pimp Named DaveR, the name says it all. Just one question. Is a middle-aged man who has never seen a women naked really a Pimp?

Well, I have to run, my fiance wants me to cook dinner, shave my genitals and go to CVS to buy some more tampons. THANK YOU!


Rocco said...


Zach Martin said...

Wait, no Mrs? Kids we're going home.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'm tomorrow. We switched up the order since The Haze is going to be away for a couple of days, and because I'm a lazy sack of crap.