Wednesday, August 20, 2008

How to lose a fantasy football league in 10 minutes

Football time is here, and along with that comes its bastard offspring: fantasy football. Prepare yourself for the excitement, struggles, strategy and inevitable loss of money that comes along with it. I may be the editor of football here at MH, but I am terrible at fantasy football. Fantasy baseball? I can win that because I have figured out the rhythm and ebb and flows of a baseball league. With football I am as clueless as a virgin dealing with an experienced pro. I have no fucking clue who to draft or when to grab someone before someone else does... the waiver system, and trades are like Chinese to me. Searching the internet, you can find countless articles and tricks for winning a fantasy football league. You will not find that here. I will give you some tips that have completely destroyed my team, and left my team at the bottom of every fantasy football league. So if you want a guaranteed game plan for tanking in your league, please read on:

HMLS's sure fire tips to losing:

1. Draft a high ceiling QB that has no offense around him. Last year that was Vince Young, whom I drafted in all my leagues. Before the season, my mind spun with thoughts of a fast QB that could pile up tons of points. It was around week 2 that I realized he had no running game behind him and shit at WR. And by Week 5, I was weeping at his weekly stats of 100 yards passing, 15 yards rushing, 3 INTS, and 2 Fumbles. But wait, he has Algae Crumpler on his team this year! Hmmmm... wait, no way, he is going to blow again. Logic says that the QB should be the centerpiece to any good fantasy team, and take my advice and you will get a guy that will leave you with blue balls every week. Examples for a 2008 draft: Matt Ryan (who you better believe will be my backup), Donovan McNabb, and Brett Favre.

2. Invest heavily in a player who is sure to have a bounce-back year. Last year in two of my leagues my first pick was Shaun Alexander. Do you remember what he did last year? Yeah me neither, he spent basically the entire season the sidelines with a bum knee. Drafting an Alexander this year will immediately throw your season down the toilet. On a side note, Shaun Alexander, enjoy not playing at all this year (spell your fucking name right...its Sean or Shawn, there is no U in your name). Who is going to pull a Shaun this year? LARRY JOHNSON.

3. You know players who have had a history of injury problems? Yeah well go after them this year, this will be the season that proves that trend wrong. Jeremy Shockey is a great choice to go after this year. Maybe the move to New Orleans will prevent him from getting injured... or maybe he will get the Clap from some broad in the French Quarter. Todd Heap of Shit is another example; he should be a great pick to bounce back after being hurt all last year. Or he will turn into a gigantic suck bag. Odds are he will be the latter.

4. When picking a Team Defense, always go with what they have done in the past
. Ignore loss of key personnel, gained or lost free agents, and draft picks. Just go on what you saw last year, your gut usually works. A great choice would be the Carolina Panthers. The Panthers have been dominant in previous seasons, getting a lot of sacks and shutting down even the most powerful offense. So just ignore that they have lost everyone not named "Julius Peppers" and draft them high. Fuck, grab them as your 1st defense.

5. Draft Reggie Bush and make him your number one running back. Proven a sure fire way to lose last year, he will make sure you drink half a bottle of whiskey every Sunday. ESPN may say that he will explode this year, but trust me, he can't shake a tackle, gets hurt too often, and is NOT a play maker. Unless by "play maker", you mean "running back who is railing Kim Kardashian on a regular basis." Another great prospect in this category is Stephen Jackson, who is still not at training camp, bitching and moaning about his contract. He'll either start the season in horseshit shape, or not even play until he is forced to.

There you have it: five rules to live by in the fantasy football world. Next up, I will show you how to strike out with a girl without saying a word.


Pepster said...

But what if I want to drink a whole bottle of whiskey every Sunday? Nah - no Reggie Bush for me. I'll stick with bourbon.

The A-Train said...

If you'd rather drink bourbon, draft Willie Parker and watch him rush for a bajillion yards every game and no touchdowns.

Yeah, I'm not bitter about last season. Not one bit!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Why do I feel like we're going to be using that "Jeremy Shockey STD Jokes" tag a whole lot this coming season?

I wholeheartedly approve of the consumption of bourbon -- particularly Maker's Mark -- at any point, for any reason. Num num.

GHABB,Y~! said...

When J.T. O'Sullivan throws for 6,000 yards for the 16-0 49ers this year, don't forget who told you.

Pepster said...

I'm a little partial to Shaun Hill myself. Although, he could never throw for more than 5,000 yards.

shaun said...

I got Romo and Portis. Backups in Forte, Stewart, and Manning (Eli, obviously). I hope the noobs don't suck. People seem to be creaming themselves down Tobacco Road over Stewart.

Meh, HMLS will likely beat my dumb ass in the DM league like he did last season. You fuckhead.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

How to lose a fantasy football league in five seconds:

"With my first pick, I select Rex Grossman".