Friday, August 15, 2008

Fie, Spaniards!

Salutations and greetings, friends; it is I, Worthington P. Foxtrotty, now recently re-arrived in the Hub of the Universe after an extended sojourn through the wilds of the Dakota Territories, which, this reporter assures you, is full of naught but Frenchman, beavers, and savages, much like the Monts Verts in the vicinity of Lake Champlaign.

In the mean-times, the local Club of the Bases-ball, the Red Stockings, have vanquished the damnable Te-Jas Papist Spaniards in the course of three memorable contests at the Huntington Avenue Bases-Ball Grounds and Depository For Human Filth! Prithy hearken unto you, damnable Papists, that our Puritan truth doth repel your Vatican-controlled treachery!

The Marque of the Te-Jas Spaniard

The Spaniards, calling themselves the "Reignjiars", were without strapping young pharmacist Joshua Hamilton (presumably of Hebrew descent) for one of the contests, he being off attempting to find a midwife who would not infect his newborn infant with the cholera. However, the balance of the rabble, consisting of a number of Spaniards, Cubanos, assorted free Caribbeans, an Italian (presumably funneling instructions from Pope Innocent XVI himself) whose name loosely translates as "salted pork intestines", and something called a "Dustin Nippert" (presumably a dog-faced boy of some sort from a carnival, or perhaps a "slow" child adopted by the rabble for its perfidious purposes), entered town with their reputation of free-slugging, double-base-hitting, and general mayhem intact.

But lo, Spaniards! Our Achilles, the Free Negro Ortiz, chooses to contest your swarthy Moorishness! And one, and two -- the ball flies from the yard, not once but twice! And 'tis but the onset of the contest! What think ye now, Papists? How dealeth thee with the fluttering knuckles-balls of Charles Zink (of the Pawtucket Zinks)? Or the swatted bases-hits of the diminutive Portugee Pedroia? Shall your beloved Pope save you from a vicious caning at the hands of the Bostonians?

But much like the Armada prior, the Spaniard attack was formidable. The young Zink, presumably sapped by bouts of colic or dysentery, tired, and allowed the Te-Jas batterers to circle the grounds seemingly at will. Horrors! Nor did local Italianate Del Carmen fare any better for the local nine. Would the shining hope of victory be dashed on these Rocks of Gibraltar?

NAY! SUCH WAS NOT THE CASE! Like a modern-day Nelson or Frobisher, the Mighty Greek/Hebrite Youkilis swung forth his mighty club, and smashed the foul designs of the Te-Jas deep into the free, Protestant night! Oh, the rejoicing! There was much ale-based celebration that night for the Beantown Nine, as well as a disturbing amount of celebration in the piles of human filth adjacent to the bases-ball "diamond".

Youkilis the Greek/Hebrite

With their mighty hitting Armada smashed on the red shoals of Massachusetts, the Spaniard attack quickly withered in the summer heat. The left-hander Lester subdued the Iberian menace by eight tallys to four on the Midweek, and the inscrutable Chinee Matzuki reigned triumphant by ten tallies to naught on the Thursday. And so the Te-Jas Spaniards were sent scurrying back to the Mexican territories and their monkeries to engage in transubstantiation and the sales of indulgences, as is their perfidious wont.

This reporter is saddened, however, to report that Mr. Michael Lowell, of the prominent Lowells of Beacon Hill, is currently absent from the team, reportedly recuperating from bouts of the gout, scurvy, and possibly an outbreak of festering sores. The contention that Mr. Lowell is not injured, but is in fact removing his presence from Boston society temporarily in order to quash the terrible rumors that he is the bastard spawn of the Lowell scion and his Porto-Riquan scullery maid, are, to this reporter's knowledge, absolutely untrue.

This reporter also notes that the Papist/Dread Pirate Ramirez has not been seen for a fortnight, and must be presumed lost, dead of plague, or possibly re-defected to his Spanish homeland with the Te-Jas rabble.

1 comment:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Deliciously offensive and downright sexy.