Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Favre Files For Reinstatement of Morning Dookie

(MH) GREEN BAY, WI: Former Packers quarterback Jesus Brett Favre (pronounced "ME ME ME ME IT'S ALL FUCKING ABOUT ME-vrah") today formally filed paperwork with the NFL and the Green Bay Packers requesting that he be allowed to un-shit his morning bowel movement.

Sources inside the Packer organization report that this request has taken team officials and Coach Mike McCarthy by surprise, since, in the words of the source, "the team had pretty much decided to move on after Brett flushed." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's office issued a press release stating that they had not received the paperwork from Favre yet, but that they foresaw no reason to deny him his request. Also, Goodell took away the Patriots' 2009 2nd round draft pick, stating "I'm sure Belichick did something wrong here, too."

The origins of Favre's change of heart concerning his dookiestink are unclear. Favre's impromptu press conference at 7:25 CDT, where he tearfully stated to his wife, The Virgin Mary Deanna, "Well, I'm off to pinch a loaf," was thought at the time to have drawn a conclusive end to Favre's pooping needs. However, Favre's fecal agent, James "Turd Bus" Cook, stated that his client had had a change of heart at approximately 10:45 today, adding that "while Brett admits he was not fully committed to holding it in at 7:25, he has not been committed to holding it in on many mornings in the past. That does not mean he cannot hold it in now, as he has on many days in the past." Other sources indicate that Favre may have been concerned about ending his career with the turd he dropped in overtime in the NFC Championship game, and how history will look upon the relative heft, stink-free-ness, and solidity of his lifetime ka-ka.

League analysts agree that the Packers have been put in a precarious position by Favre's request. The team has virtually assured the untested Aaron Rogers that he will be Green Bay's hot shit this year, and are hoping that he is their piece of shit for the future. McCarthy desperately hopes to avoid any sort of poo-flinging competition at training camp, which he thinks would be a distraction to a team that was one possession away from the 2008 Super Bowl. Efforts to persuade the New York Jets or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to take on responsibility for Favre's crap have yet to come to fruition.

Favre's attempts to un-shit his dook have generated much support in the Packer fanbase (known as "Shitheads"), as many Packer fans -- primarily the pieces of shit with crappy lives -- feel they can personally relate to Favre.

Mass Hysteria will continue to follow this story and provide updates as necessary.

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