The Patriots face the Giants in their final preseason match-up tonight. I'm already ill from thinking about the number of times I'm going to have to relive Superbowl XLII.
Fuck you, New York Giants. You and your goddamn wild card. You and your goddamn plucky, can-do attitude. You and your goddamn Cinderella story. FUCK YOU FOR TAKING THE SUPERBOWL AWAY FROM US. FUCK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. I used to LIKE the Giants, you know? Always liked Tiki Barber for being smooth-talking and awesome. Always liked Eli Manning for being the unloved Manning. Always liked the team itself for, well, not being the Jets. But FUCK ALL THAT, New York Giants. I will NEVER forgive you for that bullshit last year. NEVER. FUCK YOU, NEW YORK GIANTS. I hope you finish 0-16. I hope you have to forfeit every game after Week 5 because you all have polio. I hope you all die.
Fuck you, Osi Umenyiora. You were one of my favorite football players. You're handsome. You're foreign, but not the smelly kind of foreign. You've got those dimples. You look killer in a suit. Plus, that sack of Trent Dilfer followed by a fumble recovery and TD last year was so awesome it almost made me pregnant. BUT I NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO BRING YOUR SHIT UP IN MY BUSINESS, DAMMIT. I can't BELIEVE I pulled for you all season and then you had to go fuck up MY Superbowl. Aww, season ending surgery? BOO FUCKING HOO. I hope you get addicted to Percoset and wind up on Oprah 5 years from now, crying and slobbering about where it all went wrong.
Fuck you, Plaxico Burress. Way to jump ship from the Steelers after a little playoffs loss, you big bitch. You don't deserve that ring. Fuck you for that shit-talking before the Superbowl. Fuck you for whining about your goddamn leg injury and then catching the game-winning pass just so that everyone would make a big deal about what a fighter you are. Ooh, want to whine about your contract and threaten to skip training camp? SHUT UP, YOU WHINY-ASS BITCH. I'd rather sign goddamn Terrell Owens than your mouthy, aging self. The fact that I held onto you in my keepers league makes me physically ill. I hope you choke on your own smug sense of self-satisfaction and no one finds your corpse for days.
Fuck you, Lawrence Tynes. I know that, as a Pats fan, I should be all about the clutch playoffs field goal, but you know what? I fucking HATE field goals in the playoffs. A field goal in the playoffs is a warm Bud Light when you want a goddamn Guinness. SCORE A TOUCHDOWN AND STOP BEING LITTLE BITCHES. And you know what, Lawrence Tynes? Your Superbowl field goals were the bitchiest little field goals I've ever seen. I hate you for taking them. I hate you for making them. Way to injure your knee in training camp, fuckbrains. You're a goddamn kicker. You never see any kind of physical play, and you STILL manage to injure your knee IN TRAINING CAMP despite your brand-new 5-year contract? You fucking pussy. Go watch Judge Judy and eat bonbons with Umenyiora. I hope your leg falls off.
Fuck you, Jeremy Shockey. Way to sit that one out. You're just enough of a black hole for team chemistry that you might have been able to completely fuck this one up for the Giants. But nooooo, you had to go and get injured and scowl on the sidelines and let your team become unhateable in every possible way. You and your outrageously-high-for-a-TE salary make me sick. I hope you get the clap from showering with Reggie Bush, you big blonde sack of rhino shit.
Fuck you, Michael Strahan. You skanky gap-toothed bitch. You make Madonna look like an Invisalign ad. You and your bullshit single-season sacks record that Brett Favre and his idiot notions of sportsmanlike conduct handed to you. You and your dumbass sack dances. You and your craptacularly boring autobiography. "ME FOOTBALL PLAYER. FOOTBALL SOMETIMES LIKE LIFE." I can't wait to mute the shit out of you during the pregame show every Sunday this season. I hope a scorpion crawls between the gap in your teeth while you sleep and lays eggs in your lower intestine.
Fuck you, Amani Toomer. You're like 100. You and your franchise-leading catches can go jump off a bridge and die. YOUR LAST NAME SOUNDS LIKE CANCER. Oh, I'm supposed to be happy for you because you've played with the Giants for so long and never won a Superbowl until now? Well, fucko, maybe you should have played for a different team. Like the Patriots. Who are fucking winners. Not like the Giants, who are a bunch of asshole posers that play in New Jersey. I hope you get a puppy for Christmas, and that the puppy dies of leukemia.
Fuck you, David Tyree. DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE?! You're going down in history for one lucky fucking play that completely screwed everything up, and my god do I hate you for it. You'd be NOBODY without that catch. Blah blah Pro Bowl selection my ass. You're bullshit. Nothing. Nobody. You're a one-hit wonder. YOU ARE THE RICK ASTLEY OF FOOTBALL. Wouldn't it be really fucking awesome if someone drilled you in the head with a football, only instead of catching it, you died? I hope you accrue hundreds of thousands of dollars in gambling debt and wind up homeless.
But above all else:
Fuck you, Eli Manning. Fuck you for being a totally shitty quarterback and yet managing to steal an historic victory away from the quarterback of the decade. You piece of shit. You threw FOUR GODDAMN PICKS IN ONE GAME against the Vikings AND STILL WON A GODDAMN SUPERBOWL?! You make me sick. I hate you and your whole smug fuck white bread family. As late as Week 8 last year John Mara knew you were full of shit. You're a hapless dullard of an interception machine who got insanely lucky and, god willing, never will again. I hate your brother, but at least he fucking earned his Superbowl ring. You're like a goddamn legacy in a fraternity. Sure, you're in now, BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON'T BELONG THERE. You know what I hope? I hope you get the shit sacked out of you and throw 6 picks in Week 1 so everyone will remember what a worthless dung heap you are and stop piling unmerited accolades on you. Die.