Friday, August 8, 2008

The Clippers Will Be Your New Favorite Team Ever

In case you missed it (and the only reason I caught this tidbit is because I have an RSS feed that specifically sends me news related to horrible white point guards), Jason Williams signed yesterday with the Clippers. The "Sugar Free White Chocolate" (looks like regular white chocolate but tastes like chalk and makes you shit the Nile) and current “worst starting PG in the league” holds a special place in my heart, as he was a Gator for a (very) brief time, averaging 17 ppg before being booted off the team for smoking too much pot. When asked about his time at UF, Williams noted “I cherished getting kicked out of school.” Then again, it was probably better that Williams didn’t stay with the Gators, because gambler/rapist/shooting guard Teddy Dupay arrived at UF the next fall. Just think: Williams and Dupay could have formed the least police-friendly backcourt since “Michael Ray Richardson and anyone else.” And the fact that both of these criminal athletes happen to be white, well, let’s just say that it would’ve thrown Rush Limbaugh for a fucking loop.

Look out Billy D, Teddy's gonna do a rape!

Williams of course went on to earn notoriety with the Kings, throwing alley oops to Vlade Divac and Chris Webber while getting “W-H-I-T-E-B-O-Y” tattooed on his knuckles, then fading into obscurity with the Grizzlies and Heat. The rap in recent years on Williams is that he’s a painfully bad shooter who turns the ball over a LOT. He also jacks the ball up more than 12 times per game, which probably isn’t advisable for a guy whose career shooting percentage doesn’t even crack 40%. All of that would be fine if Williams was joining a team without any other ill-advised shooters. However, Williams is joining the Clippers, this year’s version of the And One Mixtape team come to life (with Williams playing The Professor, obvs). The following players are also on the Clipper roster:

* Baron Davis – May actually shoot more than 30 times per game this season, especially since he’s pissed off at Elton Brand for leaving him at the altar (that shit's legal in California now).
* Ricky Davis – His sole purpose in life is to Get Buckets. That, and not play defense. Ever.
* Al Thornton – Thornton averaged a shot ever 2.5 minutes on the court last year, and was brought into the NBA solely for his ability to shoot. Also went to Florida State, which means he can't read and steals things. (Ha ha CTC!)
* Eric Gordon – Drafted solely as a shooter, averaged only 3.3 rebounds and 2.4 assists per game at Indiana.Will Leitch hates his stupid face.
* Tim Thomas – May actually be allergic to rebounding or passing. Owns an AAU team named the Tim Thomas Playaz, which in Spanish, means " the Tim Thomas Beachez."
* Cuttino Mobley – Misses Steve Francis, and copes by shooting often (11 shots per game last year) and turning the ball over. Is also 493 years old.
* Smush Parker – Is technically a free agent, but played for the Clips last year. He was kicked off the Heat after fighting with a female parking attendant.
* Chris Kaman – The oddest looking dude ever. Currently playing for the German national team, despite being born in Michigan. Is also super Christian and has ADHD.
* Steve Novak – the Clips recently traded for him, 70% of his shots last year were behind the three-point line. Will give Kaman someone to go to the movies with.
* Marcus Camby – Allegedly may or may not have possibly sorta maybe received money from an agent while attending UMass, though no records of that transaction, or the entire season for that matter, actually exist. That Final Four game against Kentucky was simply a figment of your imagination, brought on by your nasty habit of sniffing white-out and Sharpie markers in middle school.

I predict an on-court stabbing by December. This cannot possibly end well.


futuremrsrickankiel said...

BAHAHAH. What a great post. Everything about LA sucks.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

His facial expression suggests "Hey it could be worse, I could be Sebastian Telfair"

Pepster said...

Jason Williams did start on a NBA championship team in Miami. Still not very good.