Tuesday, August 12, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Sox Flip the Byrd

In a triumph for Olde Tymey Baseball, the Red Sox today acquired veteran (i.e. old man) Paul Byrd from the Indians for a player to be named later, cash, some combination of the two, or possibly a large container of the Egg & Potato Salad from the Roche Bros. deli.

You may remember Byrd from such games as "That ALCS Game Last Year Where He Made Us Look Ridiculous Before Beckett Showed Everyone Who The Alpha Male Was The Next Night." He has gone 7-10 with a 4.53 ERA in 22 starts for the Indians this year. Best known for his herky-jerky double windup, Byrd is a profoundly average starter who nonetheless gets the job done. In other words, he's about a 10,000% improvement over the current iteration of Clay Buchholz.

Byrd presumably provides the Sox with insurance in case Tim Wakefield's injury sidelines him for the rest of the year (i.e. what happened last year). Even if Wakefield returns, Byrd gives them a better 5th starter option than Buchholz or the rehabbing Bartolo Colon. Plus, he's a former Phillie, which means he TOTALLY RULES.

EDITORIAL INTERFERENCE: Check out great analysis on Byrd on The Ejected Fan on article they did on him back in April [The Ejected Fan] -- HMLS

2nd ROUND OF EDITORIAL INTERFERENCE: Some facts about Paul Byrd
1. Byrd of course was nailed for HGH last year, which he claimed he was using to help a glandular problem. That excuse is like OJ saying that Nicole fell on the knife.
2. Byrd freely admits that he was addicted to porn. He never cites a number but porn addicts waste more on porn than most sex addicts blow on hookers.
3. Byrd is now a psychotically devout Catholic, who wrote a whole book about his spirituality and religion. This book was written last year and can now be found in the clearance pile along with Rush Limbaugh's Guide to Morals and Chris Henry's Lessons in Sobriety.


Yablo said...

Byrd, from the AP

"Give me a few minutes before I talk," Byrd said as he packed up in the Indians' clubhouse. "I'm not lucid right now. I'm saying funny things. Give me a half-hour and I'll talk."

Oh yeah!

(He did throw a 94 pitch shutout on Saturday, and is 4-0, 7.1, 1.24 in his last 4 starts, so maybe he and Mothra can spend some quality time together?)

Zach Martin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zach Martin said...

"Puff, puff, pass."