Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Breakfast With The Hysterics!


* In Baltimore, early struggles for Jeremy Guthrie ultimately proved fatal as the Sox topped the Orioles 4-1. Jon Lester pitched a magnificent 7 innings as Jason Bay had two juicy tater tots for Boston. Meanwhile, Julio Lugo was apparently swinging a bat in the batting cages at Camden Yards yesterday. Excuse me, I've got some... business to take care of.

/cocks shotgun
/books plane ticket to Baltimore

* Boston sportswriters continued to churn out alarmist articles about the Patriots' poor showings in the last 2 preseason games. Um, WE LOST THE FIRST TWO PRESEASON GAMES LAST YEAR TOO. Let's not get our panties all up in a bunch, unless, you know, it's for something fun. To me, the real concern is whether or not Tom Brady's stubble is able to grow to the proper "oh hey, didn't have time to shave my absurdly chiseled features because I was busy having sex with my supermodel girlfriend, but it's not a big deal, you know, this stubble really shows that I'm just an average guy" length by the season opener.

* The American medal count continued to climb thanks to golds from gymnast Shawn Johnson, runner Sanya Richards, and wrestler Henry Cejudo. Hurrah! The wealthiest, most resource-laden country in the world continued to be the best at things against people from countries with no food. IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, Uganda.

* Whoa. Greg Maddux got shipped back to the Dodgers just in time to jump on the NL West Division Champions train. What a lame train. This is huge trade news, though. It's a huge bummer that the hot-to-trot and oh-so-cute Diamondbacks fell on their faces this season, but it looks like the Dodgers will have a pretty easy path to the playoffs if they want it. Which it appears they do. All I'll say is that if we have an LA/LA World Series I am never watching baseball again.

11 comments:

GHABB,Y~! said...

Uganda had food, but Kamala ate it all and then patted his belly.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Jamaica would like to know why you be holdin' on to tha Doritos for so long, mon. Munch munch pass, me bruddah!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Mmm... coffee and cigarettes. Breakfast of champions, my friends.

Zach Martin said...

Jason Bay had two juicy tater tots

Who the fucks making your tots?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Should I have said crispy or something? It's been a while since I've eaten tater tots.

The A-Train said...

depends on where you're eating them. Institutional tater tots tend to be sloggy and limp (much like the pickles on my cheeseburger) while home-made tater tots are crisp and crunchy.

Wait, why am I explaining this to you? You're a woman (...right?). Food preparation is what you're supposed to be best at!

Zach Martin said...

I was writing a thing about how sweet your description of Brady's "everyman beard" was and then comparing it to my pathetic life, but blogspot timed out or some shit...so nice job, fuck my life and I hate work...

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Well, hey. If that gets boring, you can always come jump on the "unemployed waste of an Ivy League education" train with me. We're going nowhere... fast!

Zach Martin said...

You would really hate me if I told you where i work. I took that train for a few months before this J.O.B. It never gets better. Plus, when would you have the time to write such lovely poetry if you had a job?

/just wasted another 5 min of my employers money

Rocco said...

"unemployed waste of an Ivy League education" > "unemployed waste of a Patriot League education".

/actually does have a job though

Anonymous said...

Heard SVP and Mike Tirico talking to Mike Sciosa about 1:30pm today. SVP asked the question: "With your big lead where it would take a catastrophe to not make the playoffs, how do you get "up" for games?"
Me speaking: dumb question BUT: Mike's ASSININE answer: paraphrasing "we don't look at standings. Are we up? We just go out and play each game."
Jerkwad.
posted by Boatdrinks