Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Boston Sports Tonight!


Red Sox vs. Yankees, 7:05 pm.


It’s the next-to-last Red Sox/Yankees tilt at Yankee Stadium, so what better way to celebrate Sox/Yanks lore than with…Paul Byrd and Sidney Ponson? Huh? The two highest payrolls in baseball are rolling out a 37-year-old Cleveland retread who pitches at softball speed, and a 300-pounder on his fifth team in three years. This game figures to be uglier than...well...the sight of Paul Byrd or Sidney Ponson in the shower, and there should be more scoring than FMRA after getting her tubes tied. In the grand tradition of the last few nightly previews, I’ve decided to pen some epic poetry of my own:


Sidney Ponson wants

To be in Boston for the

Hot Dog Safari


J.D. Drew: Hurt Again

As a Ginger kid, his soul

Is already dead


If I had one wish

It would be to morph into

Derek Jeter’s cock


Old Paul Byrd’s fastball

Slower than your whore mother

In a restroom stall


If bin Laden knew

The Yankees would suck like this

Tampa would be dust


Frivolous Prop Bet of the Night: Ponson, suddenly dedicated to fitness, passes on his pregame entrée, choosing to eat only a garden salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing for dinner. To further help lose weight, Ponson pitches in a spandex leotard, legwarmers and those funny-looking ankle weights, while reprising the pivotal scene from “Flashdance” in center field in between innings. Ha ha, you all just pictured Sidney Ponson in spandex. If that's not a topic to be discussed in the Commenter Slumber Party (a rousing success last night btw, Bravo to you all!), then I'm not sure what is.


Serious prediction of the night: As much as tonight’s starting pitchers suck, the bullpens of each team suck just that much more. That’s why I’m predicting a 13-7 Sox win, and two home runs from Ortiz. An expletive-filled tirade from Hank the Younger will follow, with some not-so-subtle digs at A-Rod, who will then, in turn, cry and seek counsel in the muscular arms of a handsome woman. I’m thinking Annie Lennox.

24 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

EPIC HAIKU WIN

/dying

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Readers take note: this is the only -- THE ONLY -- time you will every see "Sidney Ponson" and "balsamic vinaigrette" mentioned together without "attempted to mash fistfuls of raw bacon into" also appearing.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

*ever not every dammit

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Sox sign Mark Kotsay
Future Mrs Does Not Care
Coco cries to sleep

Zach Martin said...

there should be more scoring than FMRA after getting her tubes tied

Never really stopped her before...

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'll have you know I officially declared a month-long moratorium on romantic pursuits as of today. Long story. The total and utter dicking-over I just finished getting was enough to convince me of that.

/drinks more

Pepster said...

Perhaps the story might come out after a few more drinks?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

No.

GHABB,Y~! said...

Hey, let's lay off FMRA. It's the first 48 hours of detox that you need the most support. Besides, if recycled FMRA jokes are the best you guys can come up with on a Sox-Yankees night, then, well, you're just not trying very hard.

Zach Martin said...

I officially declared a month-long moratorium on romantic pursuits as of today.

So cheap meaningless sex...still good. Right?

PS When am I getting that poem? we are sending in pages for the next October already.

Zach Martin said...

Shit, ok...starting...NOW!

Zach Martin said...

@ Zach Martin

we are sending in pages for the next October already.

What the fuck is that? You call yourself a writer? Go fuck yourself.

/clicks over to FJM
/sees they updated for the first time in over a week
/hand stops shaking
/regains ability to write

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'm gettin' the shakes!

And, Zach, given that I'm moving this week, they probably won't happen until early next... fair?

Also, I have a fantasy football draft in an hour. I'm taking Cadillac Williams with my first pick. Thoughts?

Zach Martin said...

Whenever is good, no rush. Good luck with the move. Doing the same on the first.

About CAD...I am kind of fantasy football retarded. You need to win a baseball league, I'm your man. But football, I am as useless as the Sox bullpen with a 2-run lead.

/I think I'm getting this whole mass-sports-fan-thing...

Pepster said...

FMRA - our thoughts are with you in getting over whatever it is exactly that you need to get over.

Unless of course, you draft Cadillac with your first pick. Then you deserve what you get!

Sorry, but that is as close to sympathy as I get.

The A-Train said...

remember guys: if you move during 'god bless america' you will be shot. Survivors will have their tickets taken and then shot again.

Sh!tShow said...

You know what sucks? Like, alot? Sox Yanks games on Gamecast. Thats what sucks. Fuck you mlb.com blackouts. FUCK. YOU.

(points finger at computer menacingly)

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Can Bill Clinton just run for president again? I'd vote for him.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

HI SH!TSHOW! Please come back and drink with me :(

Also, I just had my 3rd fantasy draft of the season... walked away with Randy Moss, Darren McFadden, and JT O'Sullivan. YES I AM AMAZING.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I have never seen someone get so excited about JT O'Sullivan.

/says the guy who goes beserk thinking about Matt Ryan.


//not really

///ok maybe

futuremrsrickankiel said...

He was my last pick of the draft... Palmer's my primary QB. HOWEVAH, I'm jazzed I have him.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

COMMENTER SLUMBER PARTY!!

The A-Train said...

I went to bed at the top of the seventh (gotta get up early and smash shit at the gym, rawr!) and based on the box score, I'm glad I did. Had I witnessed Jose Veras and Dave Robertson totally blowing it, I'd probably be in a coma from the anger stroke I surely would have had.

And JT O'Sullivan? I think I got drunk there once!

/yeah, I stole it from deadspin, it's still funny though!

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

@ A Train


You heard that joke here. I will only point that out, as its the only joke I've written all year.

Hereit is