Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Announcing the Official Minor League Player of Mass Hysteria

After a long day of deliberation at Mass Hysteria World Headquarters (conveniently located in a disused closet in a ventilation shaft of the Ted Williams Tunnel), the Future Mrs. Ankiel and I have decided that (a) it is time to name an Official Minor League Player of Mass Hysteria, who shall be entitled to all the rights and privileges appurtenant thereto, and (b) the Official Minor League Player of Mass Hysteria shall be:


Will Middlebrooks
Lowell Spinners SS/3B


You may know Middlebrooks from his dramatic game-winning single in the bottom of the 12th at Saturday's Futures at Fenway tilt against Hudson Valley. But we have had our eye on him for much longer than that. I'd been actively following his career since well before the fourth inning. The thing I first noticed about Middlebrooks wasn't his height (6'4), nor the gaudy numbers he put up at his Texarkana, TX high school (a .552 average! An OPS of 1.592!). No, the first thing I noticed about him was that holy Jeebus, I COULD HAVE FATHERED THIS KID (had I knocked up a chick during my senior year in high school). I did some further research. Although details are scarce, due to the fact that Middlebrooks is a 19-year-old A-ball prospect, I would nonetheless like to tell you the story... of Will Middlebrooks.

Will Middlebrooks was born on September 9, 1988. His father was Marduk, the Babylonian God-King, He of Fifty Names. His mother was Angelina Jolie. Young Will sprung forth fully uniformed from the thigh of his father, armed with a 40 oz. bat and a glove which he called "Aegis". At the age of 2, Will joined the Texarkana American Legion team, playing with and against players 14 years his senior. He hit .998 with 445 HR and 1,498 RBI. A keen student of George Washington at the time, Will chose to leave Legion ball after that season, despite his teammates' requests that he accept the position of Designated Hitter for Life. He cited, as did Washington, the example of Cincinnatus, the Roman general who laid down his command and returned to his plow in lieu of claiming power as dictator.

When he was eight, young Will became bored one day and took up pole vaulting. Three weeks later he broke Sergei Bubka's world record at the Atlanta Olympics, vaulting an amazing 26' 11 3/4". He also anchored the 4x400M relay team, and won all contested golds in fencing, sailing, and judo. In some brief downtime during the Opening Ceremonies, he created and outlined the Pokemon characters and video game in the margins of a program for the gymnastics competition.

Young Will matriculated at Texarkana's Liberty-Eylau High School, where he played both infield and pitcher for the baseball team, quarterbacked the football team, taught freshman English, served as the model for Abercrombie & Fitch's fall catalog, and was the acting head of thoracic surgery at two area hospitals. He also dated Lindsey Lohan back when that actually meant something.


In 2007, Will was selected by the Red Sox in the fifth round of the draft. Although he was considered to be a first- or second-round kind of talent, he slipped because he was thought to be a "tough sign". Although the offers to pilot NASA's return to the Moon and replace Keith Richards in the Rolling Stones were tempting, Will stuck with his true passion -- baseball -- and signed with the Sox for a reported signing bonus of $925,000. The late-2007 acquisition of the Red Sox by Middlebrooks Conglomerated Industries Pty. Ltd. (the multinational corporation that Middlebrooks founded in 1994 in Hong Kong with three of his kindergarten classmates) effectively made Will his own boss, therefore making the negotiations much smoother.

Please note that I may have made up some or all of this. Anyhow, Will is currently hitting .232 with the Spinners, but hey -- he's been playing professional baseball for TWO MONTHS. Cut him some slack. And he's awesome, trust us. How do we know? WE JUST KNOW. Deal.

We will of course continue to update you on Will's progress along the road towards his inevitable rise to replace Kevin Youkilis and his bad attitude at Fenway. And please stay tuned for the first Mass Hysteria celebration of Middlebrooksmas in September.

19 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

You know that little plastic thing on the top of salad dressing bottles that keeps the dressing from coming out too fast?

Will Middlebrooks invented those.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The scent of "Acqua di Gio" is actually based on the natural musk that Will Middlebrooks emits when he exercises.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Will Middlebrooks introduced Snoop Dogg to Dr. Dre.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Michael Jordan's lifelong inability to drive the lane on Will Middlebrooks only made him more determined to make something of himself.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Will Middlebrooks single-handedly stemmed the SARS epidemic with a roll of masking tape, 3 drinking straws, and an old copy of Hustler.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Will Middlebrooks invented the cheeseburger.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

The Queen of England built Big Ben so that Will Middlebrooks would always know the time when he visits London.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Will Middlebrooks' tears were the primary ingredient in Crystal Pepsi.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

That "whoosh" sound you hear when you crack open a fresh beer is actually Will Middlebrooks sighing in his sleep.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The St. Louis Arch was straight before Will Middlebrooks bent it to allow a family of ducklings to cross over it.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Will Middlebrooks once traveled back in time just to get his mother a Mother's Day gift.

Zach Martin said...

"I may have made up some or all of this"

So he's not hitting .232?

The A-Train said...

Will Middlebrooks can play "Through the Fire and Flames" by DragonForce with his eyes closed.

He can also read those damned word verification codes. seriously, did I piss in your cheerios this morning guys and girl!?

Pepster said...

Amazingly enough, none of these statements were ripped off from timtebowfacts.com, which were all just ripped off from Chuck Norris stories.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Rip shit off from derivative Gators fan sites?! Come on, man. You know we're better than that.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

FMRA, you know GHABY is just dying to turn this into a niche Gator's website. He wants it so badly he is shaking.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

@pepster: I'm pretty sure that no Florida-related site would mention Cincinnatus, except in the context of misspelling "where that coed I slipped the roofie to and totally nailed in the ass last night was from". Ergo, your slur falls upon deaf ears.

Pepster said...

Perhaps I should have been more specific. My previous comment was directed toward all of the other comments, not toward the post itself.

By the way, I dislike the Gators (except Percy Harvin) and I hate Tim Tebow, just for the record.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Well, the comments were mine... so again with the knowing I'm better than that and whatnot.