Wednesday, August 27, 2008

25 Reasons to Watch College Football: Reasons 1-10

The fine people of the Northeast are often criticized by the rest of the country for not giving two shits about college football. As a public service, I am providing the readers of this fine blog 25 reasons to watch college football this season:

1. Tim Tebow – I’m not saying I’d go gay for him, but frankly, he’s never asked. Watching Tebow play is like hearing Nirvana for the first time, or seeing your child take his first step. If Tebow was a Salute Your Shorts character, he’d be Budnik. If he were a Van Halen lead singer, he’d be David Lee Roth. If he were an item off the Supreme’s Roast Beef menu, he’d be the Super Beef with tomatoes and sauce. Simply put, in the choice between Tebow and all other football players, nay, all other human beings, Tim Tebow is so clearly above and beyond, that to dispute his greatness is laughable.

2. Army-Navy – Sure, they run antiquated offenses and feature kids who wouldn’t make the Everett High varsity (though, to be fair, Everett has pretty reedonculous teams). That said, if you don’t get emotional watching Army-Navy, then you should rush immediately to your nearest hospital with the ailment of not having a heart. Or blood. Or a soul. In fact, the only thing that makes me love America more is this:
3. Welcome Freshmen – No, I’m not talking about the eminently AWESOME Nickelodeon show, I’m talking about this year’s crop of ridiculously talented first-year players. Ohio State’s Terrelle Pryor gets all the pub, but watch out for Alabama’s Julio Jones, who has TO-like size, speed and jumping ability, with only half the crazy. Other freshmen to watch include Colorado’s new starting RB Darrell Scott, Clemson’s man-beast of a DE DaQuan Bowers, and the 17-year-old Liberal Studies major at BU that plans to hit on FMRA next month by pretending that he knows Jed Lowrie.

4. Texas Tech – Their coach is obsessed with pirates. They have the best wide receiver in the nation. They play basketball on turf. They might actually stop someone this year. Watching Texas Tech play football is like Usain Bolt running in the Special Olympics. Which reminds me…

5. ESS-EE-CEE SPEED – Every year, America sends its fastest freaks of nature to the southeast, where they then proceed to play NFL-quality football against each other every week. The offensive linemen run 4.6s. The linebackers run 4.4s. The wide receivers cannot be timed, only because they cannot actually be seen. To wit: Gator WR Jeff Demps owns the high school record for the 100 meter dash, and yet still may be the third or fourth fastest player on his team. But you can just ask Ohio State what they think of SEC Speed.
6. The BCS System being horribly mangled – Call me an asshole, but I like watching horribly designed governing systems meet their demise. I wrote papers in high school arguing that the Visgoth and Hun invasions weren’t that bad. The phrase “hostile takeover” makes me feel tingly down below. I own an nWo t-shirt. It is for these reasons that I enjoy watching the BCS system defecate all over itself, including a two-win LSU team last year winning its fake national title.

7. Catchy songs – I defy you to get “Rocky Top” out of your head after watching a Tennessee game. Same goes for “Hail to the Victors,” “Fight On” and that song from Rudy that they always seem to play at Notre Dame games.

8. EVERYONE ELSE LIKES IT SO WE SHOULD TOO – While this has been used as a poor justification in the past for such trends as Pogs and American Idol, I can say with absolute certainty that the rest of the country is truly onto something with this “college football” thing. Psychologists would note that a college football allegiance help you foster things like a sense of community and civic pride. But the rest of the country has also learned another valuable point in its love of college football…

9. Getting drunk in public on a Saturday – Do you like alcohol? Then college football is the sport for you! Nowhere else is getting drunk at 9am and staying drunk all day and night not only acceptable, it’s a goddamned rule.

10. Shots of Animal from the Legion of Doom when his son makes a tackle - Whatttt a Russshhhhh! Whatever happened to Hawk anyways? Oh, that’s right, he took a lot of monkey steroids and died. My bad. Still, spiked shoulder pads are awesome.


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

I only see four reasons to watch college football...

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Dear god I'm so excited.

The A-Train said...

I took off from work around columbus day weekend and have nothing to do. This post makes me want to go see a college game.

Mainly for the girls.

Man I miss college.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Talking about college football is THE easiest way to seduce men ever. Like, seriously.

Maybe I should write a "How To Leverage Your Sports Knowledge Into A Sloppy Makeout Session" handbook. You know, for the ladies.

Pepster said...

Tim Tebow #1? Now that is blatant homerism. I have seen hmi play QB live several times, and I am sick and tired of him missing open receivers. The only reason that fans like him is because he is a run/pass combo QB, that is WHITE!

Zach Martin said...

@the MRS

For that to happen all you need is a vagina


including a two-win LSU team last year winning its fake national title.

Two wins? Shit that system is flawed.

Also, if you liked this post you should check this out:

That's right, I wrote it, so fuck off.

Rocco said...

Fuck Tebow. That's all I got.

Anonymous said...

except Tebow is a god loving southern boy, and you, sir, Mr. GHABB'Y are not...... heathen

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...


What team does Hawk's kid play for?