11. Things on Lee Corso’s head – I know he’s a Florida State guy, and therefore can take advantage of handicapped parking spots, but he still entertains me. First of all, it’s fun to contrast his frightening visage with that of dreamboat Kirk Herbstreit, especially when he’s telling Herbie to get off his lawn. However, what intrigues me most of all about Corso is what’s going on well below his mascot head, including his baby arm and merkin.
12. The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party – Florida/Georgia is not only my favorite (and the second best-named, behind the Battle for Paul Bunyan's Axe) annual rivalry, it’s also one of two games this year that pits top-5 talent against each other. Being an unabashed Gator worshipper, I predict a tight score of, oh, 78-3, in the favor of the Orange and Blue. Suck my balls, Knowshon, you horribly-named piece of shit. I hate you and your stupid face.
13. USC-Ohio State – This is the other game pitting two Top-5 talents, and is out of conference no less! This game also pits two of the greatest nicknames in college football – Chris “Beanie” Wells and Mark “Dirty” Sanchez, who stole his nickname from Screech.
14. Michael Oher – Oh, he was only homeless for most of his life, couldn’t read until high school, has a crack-addicted mom and a murdered Dad. He’s also the best natural OT prospect since Orlando Pace, despite only recently learning the game of football. Also, his life story is being made into a major motion picture. But I’m sure your life has been difficult too, what with being fired from Panera Bread when you were 16 for sleeping in after the Allman Brothers concert and forgetting to call out sick.
16. Oh Yeah, BC and stuff – Hey, we have a major collegiate team in our backyard! They, uh, play really good teams and stuff! They have guys who used to play with a first-round draft pick! Brian Toal may actually lose an arm, leg or pancreas while playing! If he was any more concussed, he’d strangle his kid with the Crippler Crossface. (too soon? Nawww) I’ll leave the gory details of this year’s Eagles to HMLS, but seriously, you should go to at least one BC game this year. They’re all we’ve got.
15. Jeremy Maclin – Or as I call him, Percy Harvin West. Maclin returns kicks, catches passes, and makes people nationally get excited about Missouri football. I also must credit Missouri with the following T-shirt, which pretty much explains the sheer hatred of their rivalry with Kansas:We burned your town! To the ground!
17. College Quarterbacks Whose Skill Set Translates To A Lifetime Working at Dominos – This year’s winner of the Tommie Frazier/Eric Crouch/Colt Brennan/Chris Weinke Memorial Trophy is Missouri's Chase Daniel, who earns extra points because he looks like he already works at Domino’s. And I swear to god, if any of you mention His Holiness Danny Wuerffel in conjunction with these ne’er do wells, I will punch you in the duodenum.
18. Perennial National Powers, Sucking Ten Dicks – Notre Dame, Miami, Florida State, Michigan, Nebraska. None of these teams may play in a bowl game this year. I’m fucking giddy. You know what else makes me giddy?
19. The Charlie Weis Face - Let me taste your tears, fatty. Let me feast on the tears of unfathomable sadness. Ohh, they taste sooo good.
20. The Fulmer Cup – Sure, the Bengals may have guys get arrested for DUI, or Pacman may shoot strip club bouncers after making it rain. Minor fucking league. Have any NFL players stolen the credit card of a dead girl and used them to buy gas for a year? Have any of them been rung up on seven charges at one time in relation to selling nose candy? Commited assault with a frying pan? Stolen beer at a gay bar? College: Best seven years of your life. Or ten if you’re Brian Toal.
21. Chris Rainey – Most of you don’t know Gator RB/WR/Golden God Chris Rainey, but in a few weeks, you certainly will. He’s beat the national 100m high school record holder in the 40 yard dash. He eludes tackles like Travis Henry eludes subpoenas. He can return kicks. But what I love the most about Chris Rainey is the genius that comes out of his mouth, including the following:
On his preference in women: "Every time you see a fine girl (in Gainesville), you see another fine girl better than her. (Some people) like different color girls and stuff like that. I'm a white girl man."
While still in high school: “When I walk around, people are buying me food, giving me money. I’m like, `Damn, I’m glad I’m Chris Rainey. It’s real nice to be me.”
On a sex ed class he’s taking this summer: "It's boring," Rainey said. "I thought it would be fun, like you see on TV. But it ain't like that."
Chris Rainey, we salute you.
22. George Selvie, Bad Motherfucker - I’m not even supposed to write about George Selvie, because he’s so fucking mean that he’ll assault anyone who uses his name in public. I will however note that a certain unnamed South Florida defensive end had 31.5 TFL last year, including 14.5 sacks. As a sophomore. He makes Pat White cry all over his unnaturally high cheekbones. G__ge S__vie is not a benevolent god.
23. Heisman Trophy - It’s by far the coolest trophy in sports. Does anyone else attempt to pose as the Lady Byng Trophy after scoring? Didn’t. Fucking. Think. So.
24. Animals – What’s awesome about the zoo? Only everything. And so for you animal lovers, college football games allow you to see things like horsies, buffaloes, tigers, falcons, and stupid bulldogs in red sweaters who will FUCKING LOSE ON NOVEMBER FIRST. YOU FUCKING HEAR ME STAFFORD? YOU’RE DEAD. DEAD! *gobbles Xanax*
25. Ron Zook Waterskiing – Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.