Friday, July 25, 2008

Your Definitive Red Sox-Yankees Preview

So the Big Bad Steinbrenner Bus rolls back into Beantown this weekend for a 3-game series. Hurrah. 4-hour baseball games and endless video montages... just what I fucking wanted. HOW DID YOU KNOW BUD SELIG

Ahem. While it's been a distinct paradigm shift (and, frankly, a welcome relief) NOT actually feeling threatened by the pinstripers for the majority of the season thus far, this series has actually garnered some significance since the Break, as Boston and the Tampa Bay "Ok, guys, we get it, you're a serious baseball team who won't be underestimated so can you please get back in the gat damn basement where you belong kthxbai" Rays are currently deadlocked in first and New York is only 3 games back thanks to a 6(!)-game win streak. GROSS. (Actually, not a single team in the AL East is currently under the .500 mark... except Baltimore. Wah-wahhh.) So the fires of competition have been rekindled juuust in time to have Boston fans foaming at the mouth for this classic confrontation. HOW CONVENIENT.

Oh, and the big news, of course: Big Papi will be back in the lineup tonight. YAY!

Let's lookee the matchups, shall we?

FRIDAY (7:05 pm) -- Joba Justin Wilt Fatty Chamberlain (2-3, 2.52) will try to avoid bursting into sloppy, bacon-scented tears against the finally-returning-to-form stylings of His Joshiness (9-6, 3.98). Expect lots of strikeouts and absolutely zero visible bone structure.

SATURDAY (3:55 pm) -- Crossword puzzle enthusiast Andy Pettite (11-7, 3.86), who I kind of wish would just fuse with Mike Mussina already because they're pretty much the same person, takes on Tim "Knuckles" Wakefield (6-7, 3.69). This game is being broadcast on Fox, incidentally, so you may as well just gouge your eardrums out now and spare yourself the agony of listening to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver be white and talk about the 2007 World Series.

FRIDAY (8:05 pm) -- PFFT HAHAHA. The Yanks' rotation is such a goddamn mess they don't even have a pitcher announced. Oh please, oh please let it be Sidney Ponson. PLEASE. We're sending out Jon Lester (8-3, 3.20). This one's on ESPN, so, like, again with the ear-gouging and all that.

It's the Evil Empire vs. the Red Sox Nation! Either way, everybody's a winner a loser drunk. Have a fantastic weekend, everyone.

Please check out GHABB,Y!'s post below, incidentally... it's hilarious (and a lot more entertaining than the pregame crap on NESN).


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I think Joba Justin Wilt Fatty Chamberlain is actually his full legal name.

Pepster said...

Couldn't find somewhere to fit Neville in there?

Bacon tears - my favorite!