Friday, July 11, 2008
at 4:02 PM Posted by BCHysteria
Enough has been said lately on the internet about the boring, over the top content on ESPN. Everyone who has a blog has said something, like Will Leitch's sadomasochistic venture of watching ESPN for 24 hours straight. Over the past year or so I have found pride in saying that I only rarely watched anything on ESPN, maybe a baseball game here, or College Football game there. Things changed this week though as I am on vacation sitting at home, I am out of work for no other reason than I had the time might as well take it. With nothing to do, I have done the usual, masturbate, play Xbox360, masturbate, sleep, masturbate, and watch TV which usually leads to more jerking off. My vacation has been pretty boring, let me just say, there is NOTHING on TV in the morning/early afternoon. My roommates Tivo isn't working and I ran out of Netflix options, so as I ate breakfast I figured what thefuck lets see what Sportscenter has to offer. It started off pretty interesting, baseball highlights and talk about the latest trade rumors. But ten minutes into the show, the highlights stopped and the side bar (which informs you what you are watching, and will be watching) introduced me to the newest segment: Titletown USA.
At first it seemed like a stupid premise, cant' the number of titles a city/state has won be simply computer. No, ESPN is very vague about how a city is constituted, for instance the Patriots are considered Boston. The "segment" I watched had Bruce Pearl and Pat Summers trying to explain why Knoxville Tenessee should be "Titletown". My first reaction, what the fuck? Why should a state that has two professional teams with a combination of 0 titles even be considered. This contest seemed pretty easy, if you want just pro sports teams you can include LA, Boston and NY, end of discussion. If you wanted to throw in a few college towns (which is stupid because NCAA football championships are subjective, and there are shared titles which is equally retarded) I needed to get to the bottom of this. ESPN invites readers to "write" in to nominate their town, which led to some of these doozys.
* Palo Alto, CA- Ok, Stanford, nice program, basketball last won in 1942, football was 1926. Yes they haven't won a relevant championship since the start of WWII. But they have won 11 Water Polo championships, which I know everyone knew. I wonder if the panelists will contemplate that. But in all honesty they get my vote simply on the mascot which looks something I envision I will see when I inevitably develop schizophrenia.
* Parkersburg, WV- No, WVU doesn't play here. This town got nominated for High School sports. Now, maybe I am missing something but I a) never gave a rats ass about my high school football team, which was full of assholes who beat the shit out of me, and b) I don't know/care how they have done since, high school sports is even more irrelevant than college sports. Nothing beats watching parents screaming at their 15 year old kid who blew a tackle, which ends with the parents beating the shit out of the kid when they get home.
* Green Bay WI- What the fuck?
Baseball Team- No
Hockey Team- No
Basketball Team- No
A relevant college- No
A fanbase that wear cheese on their head, adores a QB that WON'T BE PLAYING IN GB THIS YEAR- CHECK
* Valdosta, GA- OK, now this is just getting silly we are actually going to consider Division II sports in any talk of "Titletown". I went to a DII school undergrad, and no one gave a shit about any of the teams that played there, and I never went to a sporting event in my four years there. Instead of waking up at 8am to see them play, I was usually still in bed still hung over from drinking the night before. DII sports are completely irrelevant, no media coverage, hardly any fans and athletes that 99 times out of 100 never play sports again. Question for any of the three readers that read our blog, What DII men's basketball team has won the most championships? Don't look it up, no wikipedia, no google. Give Up?
Honestly I have heard of this college until I wrote this.
These are just a few of ESPN's chosen cities and towns they are going to be visiting over the next month. If you want to kill braincells and listen to old farts like Tommy Lasorda blab on and on about LA, or the women's coach of Stanford talk next to the best mascot in the entire world be my guest. The whole idea for this segment is moronic, most of these towns/cities/states/counties/whatever shouldn't be in a real discussion. But I know I can't wait for the Boston segment, I'm sure ESPN picked some riveting points about us:
"The Boston University men's ice hockey team has won 28 Beanpot titles" part of the winning essay on Boston.
Hint: A team from Boston has won the Beanpot every year.
/Slams Heads against desk
//Needs a beer badly
///Shotguns said beer
///Says fuck it and heads out