Friday, July 25, 2008

Mass Hysteria's Super Spectacular NFL Preview: The NFC EAST

Football season is almost upon us. As the summer continues to unwind, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing the divisions in the NFL to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life for the next five months. So grab your Doritos, drink a few cold ones, ignore your loved ones and enjoy.

NFC East Divisional Preview.

New York Giants- Why the Giants will win the NFC East.

The Giants showed the world last year that they could be something a bit more than the laughingstock of the NFL. Eli Manning can command a team, the defense could be the most vaunted in the league, and Tom Coughlin isn't as stupid as we all thought. Was last year a fluke? Possibly, but hey: a lot of critics thought the Patriots were when they beat the Rams in 2001. They are now a playoff-tested team that knows what it takes to win a Super Bowl, and with Burress, Boss and Jacobs all returning the offense could continue to improve. Jeremy Shockey was traded to New Orleans, and no one is a bigger Shockey "hater" than myself -- he is an intolerable whiny bitch who always drops passes and gets injured constantly. They won without this loser and having this douche go away is enough reason for any team to win.

Why the Giants won't win the NFC East.

Teams do not win consecutive Super Bowls. It just doesn't happen anymore. Well, one team did, but if I gloat about that people are going to tear me a new one. The Giants lost a good portion of the defense that won them their Super Bowl; Strahan retired, Mitchell and Gabril Wilson are both gone. They will not be able to put as much pressure on the QB as they did last season The Giants had a great run last year, but I don't think lightning will strike twice for this team. Call me stubborn, stupid or pig headed, but Eli Manning is still Eli Manning and if he doesn't have the league's best D behind him he will be exposed again.

Dallas Cowboys

Why the Cowboys will win the NFC East.

It's hard to believe that the gigantic shit Romo has taken on the field the past two playoff games are going to be representative of his playoff resume. He is too dominant during the regular season to be that bad. As he continues to mature, he will improve in the playoffs as well -- it has got to happen right? DeMarcus Ware is a fucking beast, and had a breakout season last year with 14 sacks. He could possibly anchor a defense that now includes the archaic Zach Thomas and has the potential to be as solid as the Giants in '07. If TO can avoid attempting to kill himself, getting fined, holding ludicrous press conferences, getting fined, criticizing his teammates and coaches, or getting fined he could be the best pure receiver in the NFL.

Why the Cowboys will not win the NFC East

Jessica Simpson. Just kidding that is stupid. What a stupid thing to say. But seriously now, will Patrick Crayton actually become a legitimate threat? Can Marion Barber become an every down back now that Julius Jones is gone, instead of just being the one yard touchdown machine he has been in past years? Roy Williams is an overrated stiff that knows how to hit a guy but can't cover ANYONE. Jerry Jones added CB Pacman Jones which should do miracles to chemistry for a team that already has gun-wielding Tank Johnson and sociopath TO. And it has got to be hard to get excited to root for Wade Phillips -- he is a terrible coach that will continue to show that he can't win big games.


Why the Redskins will win the NFC East

Jason Taylor. Dan Snyder has never been shy about spending insane amounts of money on has-been players. After watching Twinkletoes chase Tom Brady around the field for years with the 'Fins, critics say he may be hitting his downturn, but he still is one of the most dominant DE's in football. He alone can help a team take over and win games. Clinton Portis will be anchoring the backfield again, and Coach Janky Spanky always plays the game at full tilt. This has been a double edged sword for Dolemite Jenkins, who gets hurt often, but if he could stay healthy he could anchor a rejuvenated Skins offense. And, as always, the Skins bring back Rock Cartwright, who has possibly the best name in the NFL. He sounds like he belongs in a western film ready to fucking blaze down an entire gang of bandits.

Why the Skins won't win the NFC East

Jason Campbell has not proven that he is anything more than a younger Byron Leftwich: a slow QB with a decent arm who doesn't do a hell of a lot on the field. Now this isn't all his fault: having a receiving corps of Santana 'OWWWWWWW" Moss and Antwawn Randle El would make any QB look inept. Until I see them win a game, I find the Skins to be too old, with no outstanding talent, and far too many injuries to compete. They could be a playoff team but that's usually where their story ends.


Why the Eagles will win the NFC East

The Eagles had glimpses of brilliance last year, but they flickered and faded rather quickly. Kevin Curtis may not be a flashy WR, but he had some great games last year, and has speed that is almost unrivaled in the league. LJ Smith, when healthy, can be a serviceable WR, and Brian Westbrook is one of the best players in the game. Andy Reid can be the coach he wants to be this year, as he can finally focus on the game and less on his drugged-out son who will be spending some quality time in jail.

Why the Eagles will not win the NFC East

The Eagles have gotten derailed by stupid distractions seemingly every year. In 2005 it was TO, this year its going to be Lito Sheppard and possibly Brian Westbrook who are both pissed off about their contracts. Oh I am only making 3.5 million dollars to run a football 25 times a week, oh I am getting ripped off, WAAAAAH. Fuck you. You are one sloppy tackle away from working for minimum wage for the rest of your life. Another reason? Donovan McNabb. Some players find ways to win; he, on the other hand, finds ways to lose. This year won't be any different. McNabb will be limping around Lincoln Financial Field as fans whip car batteries at him.

Hazel Maes Landing Strip's Pick To Win the NFC East: Dallas Cowboys. They have too much talent, and if they can keep Romo's head from between Jessica Simpson's legs he is easily the best QB in the NFC.

A Pimp Named DaveR's Pick to Win the NFC East:



futuremrsrickankiel's Pick To Win the NFC East:

Haze, you're wrong. DaveR, you're a retard. Gotta go with the Giants here for the simple fact that their schedule is stupid cushy. With the possible exception of the C-Hox in Week 5, I really don't see them getting tested until Week 8 against the Steelers. Eli Manning's still going to throw picks like it's going out of style, but that defense and receiver corps are going to go a looong way. Plus, we all know Pacman -- excuse me, ADAM -- Jones ain't doing shit in Dallas, and I really and truly do not think that playoffs bitch extraordinaire Tony Romo can continue to effectively lead a team composed of increasingly volatile older players. Team chemistry is important -- Pats fans, we know this better than most teams in the league -- and that's something the Giants (especially minus the 200+ pounds of dead weight they just sent packing to New Orleans) definitely have the Cowboys beat in. I say the G-men win the division on a 13-3 record and lose in the first round of the playoffs. Don't let the screen door hit you in the ass on your way out, you trophy-stealing fuckos.

GHABB,Y's Pick to win the NFC East:



futuremrsrickankiel said...

Call me stubborn, stupid or pig headed

Ooh ooh! I'll take "pig-headed" for 400, Alec.

Rocco said...

While I like GHABB,Y's Double J reference, I'm taking the Giants. One of those "Who's gonna fuck it up last" deals. Dallas if fucked. Pacman, Tank, TO, and Jessica to worry about? Done. Washington? Don't think so. Philly? Only if Westbrook runs for 2500, catches 100 balls, and gets 52 touchdowns.

Rocco said...

*if, is, same difference. Whatever.

Comicbook Guy said...

gonna be so much fin watching litle eli getting his ass kicked all year long.....8-8 if that, win?? not a chance in hell