Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Mass Hysteria's NFL Spectacular: The NFC North

Football season is almost upon us. As the summer continues to unwind, we at Mass Hysteria will be previewing the divisions in the NFL to prepare you for what will inevitably take over your life for the next five months. So grab your Doritos, drink a few cold ones, ignore your loved ones and enjoy.

NFC North Divisional Preview.

Why the Bears will win the NFC North

Finally the Bears can move on from the two headed stumbling attack of Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones. Benson is stumbling around somewhere in Chicago in a drunken blur, and Jones is sucking ass in NY. The backfield is now led by Matthew Forte, who played at Tulane, and therefore I know absolutely nothing about. If Kevin Jones can come back from his knee injury he could give the Bears an offensive weapon. The Bears still have one of the strongest defenses in the league anchored by Brian "I have herpes from Paris Hilton" Urlacher, Mike Brown and Lance Briggs. Having a defense that can win you games (or make it to the Super Bowl) is enough to help a team win the Uber Shitty NFC North.

Why the Bears will not win the NFC North

QB Option A. QB Option B. Pick whomever you want, they are not going to win you alot of games. Sexy Rexy and Kneckbeard Boozehound both are crappy QB's who get flustered easily and have games that make you want to projectile vomit. But all of the blame can not be leveled at them. These sorry sacks have no one to throw the ball to, no seriously who is playing WR for the Bears. Devin Hester is crap unless he is returning kicks, he is an undersized receiver with terrible hands, and Brandon Lloyd and Mark Bradley won't be catching many balls this year. The Bears let their only legitimate wide receiver go after last year, and even he wasn't that great. With such a poor passing game, defenses can look run and neutralize that, causing Da Bears to pray their defense wins them games. Not going to happen all the time.

Why the Lions will win the NFC North

They have ALOT of wide receivers. Jesus, Jon Kitna could throw it to a half a dozen players and look like the best QB in the NFL. Calvin Johnson, Roy Williams, Charlie Rogers, Mike Furrey and Shaun McDonald. The Lions can hope that a rebuilt Offensive Line built around Gosder Cherilus can keep Kitna safe long enough to heave the ball around the field and keep D's guessing. Thats about all I can come up with here, most of that was a complete stretch and I want to make sure I save my word count for the next section...

Why the Lions will not win the NFC North

The Lions are going to be awful this year, you can mark that in your little notebook. Oh you forgot your notebook, well fine, keep it in your brain. This will finally be the year that Matt Millen loses his job and Detroit fans will stop bitching about it. Look I am a huge BC fan/alum, and even I think it was stupid drafting Gosder Cherilus where they did. The defense is bad, really bad and won't be any better, and they have a rookie running back in Kevin Smith (no not the one who wrote's the one who wrote Jersey Girl). Jon Kitna may guarantee 10 wins, but there is only so much magic this god of his can do.

Why the Packers will win the NFC North

Aaron Rogers is going to get his chance to show that he can take the reigns from "4", and call it a weird intuition but he will succeed this year. Where did I base this intuition on? I have no idea, just a guess, a dumb uneducated shot in the dark. But he has a solid running game behind with Ryan "I saved your fantasy team after you were stupid and drafted Reggie Bush" Grant, and possibly the best young WR in the league in Greg Jennings. The Packers have a solid defensive backfield with Atari Bigby and Charles Woodson and should be to expose most of shitty offenses of their divisional rivals. They could win this division alone based purely on having to play the Lions, Bears and Vikings a total of 6 times.

Why the Packers will not win the NFC North

They lost Brett Favre. No seriously, the loss of their QB could actually come back to bite them. What happens if Aaron Rodgers turns out to be gigantic stiff, or worse yet gets hurt? Brian Brohm? Nope, he is not going to be much help. This team will be in the shitter quicker than you can say Cheesehead. I don't buy the whole Favre is going to be a huge distraction if the Packers don't let him go thing, but there is something to be said about a team who has 35 career snaps. Al Harris is a terrible CB too, who vanishes against good WR's.

Why the Vikings will win the NFC North

ADRIAN FUCKING PETERSON. If Barry Sanders could carry a team single handily, so can Purple Jesus. He may be only one man, but he can tear up an entire defense all on his own, man he is fun to watch. The Vikings had the best run defense last year, and with Chester Taylor backing up the Savior the Vikes have a solid back up. Pat Williams and Kevin Williams combine for 630 pounds of run defense, and their enormous girth helped the Vikings to the leagues best run defense.

Why the Vikings will not win the NFC North

The rest of the Vikings. They have no semblance of a passing game, and it still is shocking that Tavaris Jackson is going to be their QB of the future. GIVE UP ON HIM HE ISN"T GOING TO BE GOOD. Who else could they plug in, is Brad Johnson still on the team? No. Oh Gus Frerotte and John David Booty? Yikes, going to be a long season. Sidney Rice is their #1 WR, and Visanthe Shiancoe is their starting TE, that should be an ominious sign for the Vikings. Expect lots of 100 yards passing games this season. And the final reason is Tavaris Jackson, yes he gets to be on this list twice.

Hazel Mae's Landing Strip's Pick for the NFC North: The Green Bay Packers they will win solely because the rest of the teams have giant holes and well, suck. Goodbye Brett Favre, hello Aaron Rodgers.

GHABY!'s pick for the NFC North:This division sucks ten dicks, and I'm not as high on Minnesota as everyone else is. They still have no passing game to speak of, Purple Jesus has always had trouble staying healthy, and their secondary isn't anything to write home about. Still, I'm gonna pick the Vikes, if only because Detroit can't stop anyone, Chicago can't score on anyone, and Green Bay has too big of a Vicodin-loving distraction to get on track this year (and they way overachieved last year anyway). I'm reluctantly picking the Vikes, though I think they're a lot closer to 9-7 than 12-4 or 13-3.

APNDR's Pick for the NFC North: Purple Jesus has "always" had problems staying healthy, Gabby? Really? In his ONE YEAR IN THE LEAGUE? Pfft. If that's the case, then he's always had a habit of rushing for 300+ yards, so there you go. Okay, I know you're talking about college, dammit. I need to take my mocking opportunities when they arise. Anyhow, you're right that the rest of the Vikings squad is less than appealing, so unless P.J. learns to throw a 45-yard tight spiral, the Vikes are just in the mix, not presumptive favorites. The Bears aren't going to win diddly squat unless they pull a QB out of the ass of Lake Michigan. And the Pack have already been torpedoed by that overrated arrogant braying hick jackass that used to play for them. In my heart, I want to pick the Pack to go 14-2 and go deep in the playoffs, where Aaron Rogers will NOT break the play and throw a shitheaded interception because he arrogantly wants to win things HIS way and not the TEAM'S way. In my head, this division is weak, so I'm picking the Eagles to somehow win the NFC North as well as the East. FLY IGGLES FLY!!!!


Rocco said...

I'm taking GB here cause everyone else sucks that bad. Or, unless like Westbrook, Purple Jesus goes off for 3000 yards and 50 TDs.

Rocco said...

I'll also take the blonde.