Thursday, July 10, 2008
at 10:44 AM Posted by GHABB,Y~!
Being a wrestling fan throughout my childhood taught me a great deal about world geography. I’ve learned about Truth or Consequences in New Mexico, Stone Mountain in Georgia and Death Valley in California. I’ve learned that Samoans have afros and wear sarongs, while Fijians wear leopard print and dive off of cages onto Don Muraco. I’ve learned that Parts Unknown, the Deep Blue Sea, the Other Side of the Tracks, Wherever He Damn Well Pleases and the Edge of Sanity are all physical locations. And I also learned about Finland.
My short-lived Finland lesson was taught by one “Ludvig Borga,” real name Tony Halme. And the first thing I learned about Finns is that they hate one thing above all others – pollution:
“The land of milk and honey? Well down here, it smells funny,” was a line I think that Borga borrowed from Coleridge, or possibly Whitman. Ludvig Borga was Green before Green was cool. Borga also hated ghettoes, as shown here:
Borga ended up squashing Marty Janetty at SummerSlam ’93, and ended Tatanka’s two-year winning streak, pinning him with one finger. Borga was one of the WWF’s top bad guys by late 1993, culminating in his Survivor Series match as a member of the “Foreign Fanatics” with Yokozuna, Jacque Rougeau and Crush (who was actually American, wtf?) where he battled with Lex Luger during Luger’s terrible patriotic gimmick. This was supposed to lead to a Luger-Borga title match to headline Wrestlemania (seriously), but Borga injured his ankle in a match with Rick Steiner later in the year, and his title push plans were therefore scrapped. Halme left the WWF soon thereafter, returning to his native Finland, and the name Ludvig Borga was never to be heard from again. Halme then proceeded to have one of the more interesting post-wrestling careers of anyone in WWF history.
Known as a tough motherfucker, Halme began training as a professional boxer, and would amass a 13-6 record from 1995-2002, including ten knockouts. Halme also lost to Randy Couture at UFC 13 in his only mixed martial arts fight. Halme also appeared on the Finnish version of American Gladiators, competing as “Viking.” During this time, Halme also wrote three books, with titles like “The Viking’s Strength Guide,” and “God Has Mercy, I Don’t.” GOD HAS MERCY, I DON’T. It’s a good thing that I don’t read Finnish, because if I was able to read that book, I’d probably die of an awesomeness-induced heart attack. Halme even released a musical album, titled “Mestartit Sallina.” That album included the single “Vikkini,” which went gold.
Having mastered music, literature and fighting, Halme decided to enter the political arena in 2003. Viewed as an extreme right-winger and a racist, Halme joined the True Finns party, and argued that drug dealers should be sent to Russia. Halme’s tough-guy image appealed to poorer Finns, who elected Halme to a seat in the Finnish Parliament. The day after his election, Halme called Finland’s prime minister a lesbian on national radio.
Soon thereafter, an unlicensed handgun was discharged in Halme’s apartment, apparently as part of a domestic squabble. Halme was under the influence of drugs and alcohol during the incident, and a search of his home and office also found steroids and amphetamines. In a nationally televised trial, Halme received a four-month suspended sentence and a fine, but was able to keep his seat in Parliament. In a separate incident, Halme was convicted of driving while impaired during 2006.
Recently, Halme was sent to a mental hospital due to alcoholism-related delirium. Tests later showed that Halme suffers from cirrhosis and pancreatitis. Some will credit his downfall to a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, but I know the real reasons: American pollution, Tatanka’s winning streak, and the (possibly) lesbian Prime Minister of Finland. God may have mercy, but Tony Halme doesn’t.