Monday, July 14, 2008

It's Derby Time Again!

Despite the preponderance of Red Sox representatives in this year's All-Star Game, not a single member of the division-leading (and thank god, too) squad will be at the plate for tonight's Home Run Derby, in which the biggest bats in baseball whip 'em out for charity and glory. Whee! The to-do about this year's extremely white Derby, of course, is that it's in the notoriously lopsided (not to mention generally craptacular) Yankee Stadium, which has never seen a ball hit outside the park. NEVAH! And, despite what the blathering media saps getting all teary-eyed about The House That Babe Ruth's Lefty Swing Built will have you believe, it ain't gonna happen tonight, neither. Sowwy!

Still, tonight's worth watching -- the players always look like they're having a ball, and home runs are just plain FUN to watch. Honestly, the Derby is my favorite part of the All-Star whatever-the-fuck. My complaint with the All-Star Game has always been that it touts itself as an exhibition game put together by fans, for fans... and yet its outcome plays a role in determining a very important aspect of the World Series. WHICH IS HORSESHIT. Be an exhibition game, or be a legitimate league vs. league matchup with lineups determined by legitimate measures (sorry, but no lineup determined almost exclusively on the basis of how many ham-fisted Sox fans from Maine and New Hampshire can figure out how to log onto MLB.com from their tractors or whatever in time to vote is actually legitimate). YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS BUD SELIG. Anyhoo, I like the Derby because it really is what the All-Star Game should be: pure exhibition, and a chance to see Baseball's Finest do what they do best. So be sure and tune in to watch Josh Hamilton and his tattoos crush everybody into little smoldering piles of ash. Hell, the Walkoff Walk wankoffs are even live-glogging it. Oh, and Evan Longoria's playing. Wheeeeeeeeee!


That said, though, surely there's room in the All-Star schedule to accommodate one or two events that our Boston boys could participate in. For example:

  • The Drawing A Walk But Still Looking Pissed Off About The Call Derby, for Kevin Youkilis

  • The Bloop Double Past The Shortstop Derby, for Dustin Pedroia

  • The Lazy Fly Out To Center Field, for JD Drew (also the GRAND SLAM DERBY WOOOOO)

  • The Striking Out With RISP Derby, for Jason Varitek

  • The Clutch Single Derby, for Manny Ramirez

  • The Ow I Can't Play Derby, for David Ortiz

  • The 8-Pitch 9th Inning Derby, for Jon Papelbon


Can't for the life of me imagine why MLB's left these thrilling events off the docket all these years. Ratings, Bud. THINK OF THE RATINGS!

Happy All-Star Break, everyone!

9 comments:

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

You forgot the Fracture The Skull Of A Guy Sitting Behind First Derby, for Julio Lugo.

Also, Paps is disturbingly starting to turn it into the 8-Pitch 3-Runner 1-Run 9th Inning Derby....

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

What about the Home Run Derby with Josh Beckett?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I mean... you may have noticed that the seven players I selected are players actually _on_ the All-Star roster...

Pepster said...

He may be competing tonight, and was most likely selected simply because MLB wanted to appease futuremrsrickankiel, but I am fairly certain that Longoria will not win tonight. I don't see him as having true home run power, but rather just a lot of GAP. Perhaps that is b/c of his lack of dental work.

/been waiting for a FMRA All-Star post to use that joke ever since Longoria was named to the roster.
//perhaps just a bit jealous of Mr. Longoria (aQnd Tony Parker also).

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

I think Ryan Braun is trying to draw a walk.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

LOOK. His crooked teeth are part of his rugged charm, OK?! Not interested in the pretty boys.

Pepster said...

Just kidding around about Longoria. Trying to make it a little fun. The dude can rake, I will definitely say that for him.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Haha wow I got so offended...

Rocco said...

I have a man crush on Evan and I'm not afraid to admit it. That's what a ball player should look like.