It's Derby Time Again!

Despite the preponderance of Red Sox representatives in this year's All-Star Game, not a single member of the division-leading (and thank god, too) squad will be at the plate for tonight's Home Run Derby, in which the biggest bats in baseball whip 'em out for charity and glory. Whee! The to-do about this year's extremely white Derby, of course, is that it's in the notoriously lopsided (not to mention generally craptacular) Yankee Stadium, which has never seen a ball hit outside the park. NEVAH! And, despite what the blathering media saps getting all teary-eyed about The House That Babe Ruth's Lefty Swing Built will have you believe, it ain't gonna happen tonight, neither. Sowwy!

Still, tonight's worth watching -- the players always look like they're having a ball, and home runs are just plain FUN to watch. Honestly, the Derby is my favorite part of the All-Star whatever-the-fuck. My complaint with the All-Star Game has always been that it touts itself as an exhibition game put together by fans, for fans... and yet its outcome plays a role in determining a very important aspect of the World Series. WHICH IS HORSESHIT. Be an exhibition game, or be a legitimate league vs. league matchup with lineups determined by legitimate measures (sorry, but no lineup determined almost exclusively on the basis of how many ham-fisted Sox fans from Maine and New Hampshire can figure out how to log onto MLB.com from their tractors or whatever in time to vote is actually legitimate). YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS BUD SELIG. Anyhoo, I like the Derby because it really is what the All-Star Game should be: pure exhibition, and a chance to see Baseball's Finest do what they do best. So be sure and tune in to watch Josh Hamilton and his tattoos crush everybody into little smoldering piles of ash. Hell, the Walkoff Walk wankoffs are even live-glogging it. Oh, and Evan Longoria's playing. Wheeeeeeeeee!


That said, though, surely there's room in the All-Star schedule to accommodate one or two events that our Boston boys could participate in. For example:

• The Drawing A Walk But Still Looking Pissed Off About The Call Derby, for Kevin Youkilis


• The Bloop Double Past The Shortstop Derby, for Dustin Pedroia


• The Lazy Fly Out To Center Field, for JD Drew (also the GRAND SLAM DERBY WOOOOO)


• The Striking Out With RISP Derby, for Jason Varitek


• The Clutch Single Derby, for Manny Ramirez


• The Ow I Can't Play Derby, for David Ortiz


• The 8-Pitch 9th Inning Derby, for Jon Papelbon

Can't for the life of me imagine why MLB's left these thrilling events off the docket all these years. Ratings, Bud. THINK OF THE RATINGS!

Happy All-Star Break, everyone!