Still, tonight's worth watching -- the players always look like they're having a ball, and home runs are just plain FUN to watch. Honestly, the Derby is my favorite part of the All-Star whatever-the-fuck. My complaint with the All-Star Game has always been that it touts itself as an exhibition game put together by fans, for fans... and yet its outcome plays a role in determining a very important aspect of the World Series. WHICH IS HORSESHIT. Be an exhibition game, or be a legitimate league vs. league matchup with lineups determined by legitimate measures (sorry, but no lineup determined almost exclusively on the basis of how many ham-fisted Sox fans from Maine and New Hampshire can figure out how to log onto MLB.com from their tractors or whatever in time to vote is actually legitimate). YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS BUD SELIG. Anyhoo, I like the Derby because it really is what the All-Star Game should be: pure exhibition, and a chance to see Baseball's Finest do what they do best. So be sure and tune in to watch Josh Hamilton and his tattoos crush everybody into little smoldering piles of ash. Hell, the Walkoff Walk wankoffs are even live-glogging it. Oh, and Evan Longoria's playing. Wheeeeeeeeee!

That said, though, surely there's room in the All-Star schedule to accommodate one or two events that our Boston boys could participate in. For example:
- The Drawing A Walk But Still Looking Pissed Off About The Call Derby, for Kevin Youkilis
- The Bloop Double Past The Shortstop Derby, for Dustin Pedroia
- The Lazy Fly Out To Center Field, for JD Drew (also the GRAND SLAM DERBY WOOOOO)
- The Striking Out With RISP Derby, for Jason Varitek
- The Clutch Single Derby, for Manny Ramirez
- The Ow I Can't Play Derby, for David Ortiz
- The 8-Pitch 9th Inning Derby, for Jon Papelbon
Can't for the life of me imagine why MLB's left these thrilling events off the docket all these years. Ratings, Bud. THINK OF THE RATINGS!
Happy All-Star Break, everyone!
9 comments:
You forgot the Fracture The Skull Of A Guy Sitting Behind First Derby, for Julio Lugo.
Also, Paps is disturbingly starting to turn it into the 8-Pitch 3-Runner 1-Run 9th Inning Derby....
What about the Home Run Derby with Josh Beckett?
I mean... you may have noticed that the seven players I selected are players actually _on_ the All-Star roster...
He may be competing tonight, and was most likely selected simply because MLB wanted to appease futuremrsrickankiel, but I am fairly certain that Longoria will not win tonight. I don't see him as having true home run power, but rather just a lot of GAP. Perhaps that is b/c of his lack of dental work.
/been waiting for a FMRA All-Star post to use that joke ever since Longoria was named to the roster.
//perhaps just a bit jealous of Mr. Longoria (aQnd Tony Parker also).
I think Ryan Braun is trying to draw a walk.
LOOK. His crooked teeth are part of his rugged charm, OK?! Not interested in the pretty boys.
Just kidding around about Longoria. Trying to make it a little fun. The dude can rake, I will definitely say that for him.
Haha wow I got so offended...
I have a man crush on Evan and I'm not afraid to admit it. That's what a ball player should look like.
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