It's time for me to take a stand.
It's common parlance around these parts and elsewhere to refer to the ever-growing body of bullshit, bandwagoneering Boston fans with the derogatory term "pink-hatters." And you know what? I'm sick of it. It's time I stepped up and took umbrage (GIVE ME SOME UMBRAGE WHERE IS MY FUCKING UMBRAGE) with this particular bit of nomenclature and threw it all on the line in defense of this most reviled piece of caparison:
Now let me break it down for you.
The first and most obvious response to the "pink-hatters" tag is that bandwagoneering is hardly gender-specific. There are tons of dudes in Dice-K jerseys who wouldn't know Mike Benjamin from a gat damn hole in the wall at every Sox game and sports bar I go to. Oh, you think Trot Nixon represents "the old guard" of the Red Sox? Get bent, loser. It's not fair to label bandwagon fans with a nickname implying that they're all female. Of course it pisses me off when chicks bandwagon. But it pisses me off when dudes bandwagon, too. Let's at least be equal-opportunity haters, yes?
The second, and quite frankly more important, point is thus: THERE IS NOTHING INTRINSICALLY WRONG WITH A PINK HAT. Got that? Nothing. Yes, I own a fitted authentic gameday hat, proudly on display in my Blogspot picture. That's usually my Sox gear of choice. Wearing it right now, in fact... nice wide brim to cover up a hangover with. But you know what? Sometimes I don't WANT to look all hard-core like that. Sometimes I want to look cute and/or girly and/or sparkly while still showing my support for my team. Sometimes I want to be a baseball fan while also showing off my nice, perky, 23-year-old tits in some kind of Alyssa Milano-inspired sports garb, or while showing off my ability to accessorize glitter effectively. Just yesterday I saw a hat that had "red sox" written on it in little rhinestones. And I wanted it. Fuck, I might go buy it today. I already own both Red Sox and Celtics belly button rings, fer chrissake. There's no going back for me.
Oh, and I OWN A FUCKING PINK HAT.
I got it back in high school... waaay back before the bandwagon kids showed up. Back when I used to put pictures of Tino Martinez on my wall and tape the Boston logo over his pinstripes while cursing George Steinbrenner and his army of dream destroyers with every waking breath. My sister and I had matching pink hats, in fact -- we went to go buy them together and it was awesome. Later, I got mine autographed by Jeff Suppan. I still wear it when I golf. It's cute and it's comfy and it looks awesome with my pink running shoes.
And I'm no bullshit fan, folks. I can calculate RER by hand. I'll explain to you exactly what's wrong with Craig Hansen's slider (NO LATERAL BREAK DAMMIT). I'll recite Dennis Eckersley's stats by team for you. And dad gum it, I WILL WEAR A MOTHERFUCKING PINK HAT IF I WANT TO. I'm, ya know, A CHICK, and I reserve the right to act like NOT a dude when I fucking feel like it. I like the Red Sox, and I like pink things, and if some article of clothing conveniently happens to represent the juxtaposition of those two things, then it must be my lucky fucking day. Don't begrudge me or the other fine ladies of Red Sox Nation our chosen apparel. You're the one wearing an "authentic" home jersey THAT HAS THE PLAYER'S LAST NAME ON THE BACK. RED SOX HOME JERSEYS DO NOT HAVE NAMES ON THE BACK YOU DIPSHIT POSER. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!
So please: hate the bandwagon fans. It's your right to. But back off the pink hats. Not all pink-hatters are created equal.