Friday, July 18, 2008

In Defense of the Pink Hat

It's time for me to take a stand.

It's common parlance around these parts and elsewhere to refer to the ever-growing body of bullshit, bandwagoneering Boston fans with the derogatory term "pink-hatters." And you know what? I'm sick of it. It's time I stepped up and took umbrage (GIVE ME SOME UMBRAGE WHERE IS MY FUCKING UMBRAGE) with this particular bit of nomenclature and threw it all on the line in defense of this most reviled piece of caparison:



/drops beat

Now let me break it down for you.

The first and most obvious response to the "pink-hatters" tag is that bandwagoneering is hardly gender-specific. There are tons of dudes in Dice-K jerseys who wouldn't know Mike Benjamin from a gat damn hole in the wall at every Sox game and sports bar I go to. Oh, you think Trot Nixon represents "the old guard" of the Red Sox? Get bent, loser. It's not fair to label bandwagon fans with a nickname implying that they're all female. Of course it pisses me off when chicks bandwagon. But it pisses me off when dudes bandwagon, too. Let's at least be equal-opportunity haters, yes?

The second, and quite frankly more important, point is thus: THERE IS NOTHING INTRINSICALLY WRONG WITH A PINK HAT. Got that? Nothing. Yes, I own a fitted authentic gameday hat, proudly on display in my Blogspot picture. That's usually my Sox gear of choice. Wearing it right now, in fact... nice wide brim to cover up a hangover with. But you know what? Sometimes I don't WANT to look all hard-core like that. Sometimes I want to look cute and/or girly and/or sparkly while still showing my support for my team. Sometimes I want to be a baseball fan while also showing off my nice, perky, 23-year-old tits in some kind of Alyssa Milano-inspired sports garb, or while showing off my ability to accessorize glitter effectively. Just yesterday I saw a hat that had "red sox" written on it in little rhinestones. And I wanted it. Fuck, I might go buy it today. I already own both Red Sox and Celtics belly button rings, fer chrissake. There's no going back for me.

Oh, and I OWN A FUCKING PINK HAT.

I got it back in high school... waaay back before the bandwagon kids showed up. Back when I used to put pictures of Tino Martinez on my wall and tape the Boston logo over his pinstripes while cursing George Steinbrenner and his army of dream destroyers with every waking breath. My sister and I had matching pink hats, in fact -- we went to go buy them together and it was awesome. Later, I got mine autographed by Jeff Suppan. I still wear it when I golf. It's cute and it's comfy and it looks awesome with my pink running shoes.

And I'm no bullshit fan, folks. I can calculate RER by hand. I'll explain to you exactly what's wrong with Craig Hansen's slider (NO LATERAL BREAK DAMMIT). I'll recite Dennis Eckersley's stats by team for you. And dad gum it, I WILL WEAR A MOTHERFUCKING PINK HAT IF I WANT TO. I'm, ya know, A CHICK, and I reserve the right to act like NOT a dude when I fucking feel like it. I like the Red Sox, and I like pink things, and if some article of clothing conveniently happens to represent the juxtaposition of those two things, then it must be my lucky fucking day. Don't begrudge me or the other fine ladies of Red Sox Nation our chosen apparel. You're the one wearing an "authentic" home jersey THAT HAS THE PLAYER'S LAST NAME ON THE BACK. RED SOX HOME JERSEYS DO NOT HAVE NAMES ON THE BACK YOU DIPSHIT POSER. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!

So please: hate the bandwagon fans. It's your right to. But back off the pink hats. Not all pink-hatters are created equal.

33 comments:

Rob I said...

I wear a green Yankees hat. It's real sharp! The only bad part about it is the shamrock on the back, because I fucking hate the Irish.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

My fault, people. I poked the bear on this one. My bad.

Pepster said...

A pimp named daver - I was just getting ready to ask the question what specifically fueled this particular rant - as the tone seems to come from some direct provocation.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

DaveR did prompt this, yes, but it's needed to be said for quite some time.

Rocco said...

I support this rant.

Lots to cover on this one. Let's see:

I'm applying to MassHysteria for a pass. I'm not so much a bandwagoneer as a new fan. Like the shirt says: I root for two teams: The Red Sox and whoever's playing the Yankees. I was born of a hatred of the Yankees; rooting for Boston is the logical thing to do.

Perky tits, golfer, and can calculate RER? You sure know how to lure them in.

Anonymous said...

Well said. Good post. Brava!

But how about one picture of said 'nice, perky, 23-year-old tits'? Not nude, but in your pink getup. Thanks in advance.

Windier E. Megatons said...

Good points mostly, although I think you're hurting your own case a little by admitting to having had a crush on Tino Martinez.

Reverend Paul Revere said...

You're right, there's nothing wrong with a pink hat ... if you're a woman. Men who wear pink hats should be shot in the penis.

Wearing a Boston hat on the other hand, absolutely indefensible.

keith said...

holy shit that was awesome. i still reserve my right to dislike pink hats...especially because i live in Brighton and i'm tired of BC/BU girls from Pennsylvania hopping on the Red Sox bandwagon. Hell, i'm tired of those d-bag guys too.

Also, i'm a Mets fan...baseball isn't as enjoyable for me as it is for you.

Rocco said...

Any guy that wears anything pink should be killed immediately.

Anonymous said...

Wow Honey, your boyfriend/husband probably can't stand you. The red sux aren't pink, so don't wear a pink hat, its simple

Joshua said...

Well said enough, but still, something very wrong about the whole alternate colored hat trend. This seems to have been pioneered by Sox fans and now when I wear my fucking Brooklyn Dodgers hat, half the time people think it's a Red Sox hat.

Yes, those people are usually morons, but we'd never have this mess if people didn't wear green and pink hats all the fucking time.

Anonymous said...

"THERE IS NOTHING INTRINSICALLY WRONG WITH A PINK HAT."

i dont care if folks think pink hats means bandwagon fan. no, the reason the pink is wrong is fairly simple:

it's fucking hideous.
it has nothing to do with the team.

when i see someone in a pink hat, i dont look down on them because i think they are a bandwagon fan - i look down on them for a lack of fashion sense.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Wow Honey, your boyfriend/husband probably can't stand you.

Guess it's a good thing I don't have one, then!

Anonymous said...

"This seems to have been pioneered by Sox fans"

excuse me while i roll my eyes for a second

the green yankee hat has been in existence much longer than the pink red sox hat. it's the juxtiposition of yankee championship teams back in the last millenium, and hip hop.

yankee hats, and braves hat...they started this alternate color trend

some alternate uni's are fine, as long as theree is some connection. and they arent hideous. (hello padres camo uni)

Johnny from Burger King said...

Thank you for taking the "authentic" jersey people to task. Those tick me off 9000% more than pink hats.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't matter the color of your hat. It's a general term which gets thrown around too often thus killing the meaning. You could wear a pink hat, a yellow hat, a light blue hat, whatever color and be a "real" fan. It just so happened that these "pink" hats starting coming around ever since the bandwagon jumpers decided to come around as well (2002 or 03). Obviously it has been given and unfortunately feminine nickname, though.

I do really hate when people in general shove their "credentials" down my throat. "I know this and that which proves I am a 'real' fan." I don't know what RER is and I don't really give a shit.

Most "real" fans just ignore all this other crap and watch the games.

Anonymous said...

There are no girls on the Internet.

Alex Schlesinger said...

Basically the hatred towards pink hats and horrible shirts that say "Choke the official drink of the Yankees" and such are pretty much whats wrong with Boston fans.

All this different color hats and clothing, stupid and very un-clever anti-New York sentiment, sun shining out of our collective asses attitude of Boston fans who try to make themselves not look like bandwagon fans by pointing out people wearing merchandise that they could have bought, because it came out the same time that they, the accusing bandwagon fan, started giving a shit (October 2004).

Almost all the people who make a big thing about this are bandwagon schmucks where as the actual fans, probably don't give a shit, they are to busy not eating for a few days to pay for season tickets.

I say this without bias, I am a humble Cubs fan subjected to Boston fandom living in the Boston Area.

Anonymous said...

"Guess it's a good thing I don't have one, then!"

No Wonder! I was just messing but I would never let my girlfriend wear a pink hat. It got its stereotype because 99.9% of the time its true. So, you can either not wear one or wear one and face the consequences.

bk said...

The hat of any color scheme that isn't the teams actual colors is made and marketed to the very casual fan. This goes for pink hats, green hats, and hats worn by hip hop artists. All these hats can be seen as a sign of bandwagonism.

Pink hats are just an easy target because, you know, it's easier to pick on girls.

Anonymous said...

I am Boston-native, female Red Sox fan who has been following the team since I was a kid in the early '80s.

And I will tell you what is intrinsically wrong with pink hats - they are a non-regulation color. I don't care what team started it, if a color isn't part of a team's regulation uniform, it shouldn't be part of a team logo hat. I hate the green as well, though I will grudgingly accept that the team has in fact worn green jerseys, so a case can be made for green being okay.

And I also hate pink because, yes, it reinforces "cute, girly" stereotypes. I don't think that's a good thing.

A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Um.... I have perky tits too, in case anyone was wondering....

Also, I'm very, very easy.

MHC said...

I think my problem with it is mostly that it is always used against girls. It says that femininity and being a real fan are mutually exclusive.

Why can't people be the kind of fan they want to be? I mean, come on, why does it bother you what color someone's hat is? You aren't being asked to wear it.

Casual, hard core, newcomer, old timer, whatever. As long as you aren't a jerk to other teams and their fans and make the rest of the Sox fans look bad, why does it really matter?

I liked this post-- if you want to look cute, you go right ahead. I personally don't want one, but it doesn't hurt me if you wear pink.

Cody said...

23 yr old perky tits > pink hat

Pete said...

Why do you hate black people?

Anonymous said...

this should be read in al swearengen's voice

Marcel P. said...

tremendous post. The potty mouth is a very attractive feature.

Tiki said...

Please visit our website!

pinkhathell.com

Anonymous said...

Very classy. Let me guess, you're from Revere...

Anonymous said...

Alyssa Milano is a whore. That is all...

/lost me at 23 year old tits

Rocco said...

Wow. Lots of haterade. Good work as always futuremrs. I'm entertained.

Comicbook Guy said...

Dearest Futuremrs
as usual you have just made me fall deeper in lust with you and once again along with others her am asking for the "pic" of that pink hat and the glory underneath...........