Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Man, FUCK the All-Star Break. Why on EARTH is this shit scheduled during the slowest, lamest time of the sports year? Did those dumbfucks at MLB decide we need a vacation from eschewing actual socializing in favor of watching grown men chase little balls? Do advertisers and local sports outlets get sick of making money? IS BUD SELIG JUST TRYING TO BREAK US I'LL NEVER TELL YOU WHO ELSE WORKED AGAINST THE PARTY WITH ME AGHHHHHH

Ahem. No, no matter how you slice it, there's simply no rational explanation for this cruelly-imposed week of sports deprivation. Oh blah blah the players need rest. This from the same talking heads who would have us believe that the Rockies came into the World Series at a disadvantage from having had a week off, eh? MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MINDS. The burden should be on players and managers to determine who needs a break when (pay attention, Joe Girardi). Sure, some players might benefit from the down time, like Brandon Webb, who is hopefully spending the week either being celibate or banging all the chicks he can find. Clearly the dude needs SOMETHING to shake it up a bit, whether that be reconnecting with his internal balance or sowing his wild, 7.25-ERA-over-4-starts oats. Blech. However, for every slumping player that needs a break in the season, there's got to be at least one player hitting a mid-season stride who's thrown off his groove by the break. Take the suddenly slap-happy JJ Hardy, for example, who was hitting .489 with 7 homers and 14 RBIs over 11 games coming into this week. Or Ryan Ludwick, who homered in 3 straight games heading into the break but is possibly the streakiest hitter known to man. WHAT OF RYAN AND JJ, I ASK YOU?! No way those two come back from the break as hot as they were.

It's just not fair to anyone. If I were smart like a squirrel or some kind of tundra-dwelling mammal, I guess I'd store up sports during times of plenty for consumption during famines like this. Like maybe tape the Conference Finals of the NBA Playoffs, or the first couple of college football games of the season or something. But I'm like whatever animal in whatever preachy little fable DIDN'T do that, and here I am bored out of my gourd pretending like I give a shit about the 1.2 innings Ben Sheets is going to pitch tonight. Hell, better that than the other non-sports rattling around in my ESPN feed attempting to lull me into the delusion that I'm not being forcibly deprived of real, honest-to-goodness sports. Some twits in France are riding bikes really fast? Lame. Ooh, the British Open? Not interested. Something something something UFC something something? Don't give a fuck. Brett Favre might... gahh, I can't even finish that sentence for fear I'll toss my cookies all over my keyboard. I hate this week. I fucking hate it. IhateitIhateitIhateit. Last night was cool and all, but hey, All-Star Break? I'M FUCKING OVER YOU. I WANT TO BREAK UP.

Oh, and I'm keeping your record collection. Remember that time you made out with my friend "because it was a holiday party and there was mistletoe"?? FUCK YOU.


Rocco said...

Holy F. Masshysteria common thread: All-Star game haterade. I like you guys and girl and all, but really? I'm confused. Sit back, have a cold beer, and have fun with it. Yeah, it sucks, and it's stupid that the winner gets World Series home field, etc., etc., but whatever.

And don't say you're not all warm and fuzy about the Josh Hamilton story.

/dick joke

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I love Josh Hamilton. You won't read a bad word about him from me.

And yes, cold beer was consumed last night, and I did enjoy it.

Stop hating? NEVER.

Pepster said...

A few comments:

1. How do you really feel?

2. Do you have Brandon Webb on your fantasy team, just like I do?

3. What was going on in France?

4. The British Open is cool, a phenomenal event and a good excuse to start drinking really early on the weekend (like 8 or 9 a.m.).

5. I would guess the mistletoe episode actually happened once.


Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

FMRA is a woman, she is allowed to be completely irrational from time to time (or all the time).

futuremrsrickankiel said...

1. Heh. Not really one for restraint, I guess.
2. I DO have Webb on my fantasy team. Earlier this year, I traded Beckett and Ellsbury for Webb and Fukudome... Webb's been in the shitter ever since. That's what I get for trading my Jacoby...
3. The Tour de France.
4. Fuck the British Open.

Also, Haze? Bite me.