Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Dear All Star Game: Eat a Bag of Dicks

Ah, the MLB All-Star Game. The Midsummer Classic. Where all baseball’s stars gather once a year in all of their splendor to celebrate all that is glorious with the nation’s pastime in a competitive exhibition of athletic might, creating lifetimes of memorable moments that remind us of why the sport of baseball is so grand.

Except the exact opposite.

I can think of no annual event more worth of “Eat a Bag of Dicks” status than the MLB All-Star Game, the most overhyped bullshit event on the sports calendar. No athletic contest gets talked about more and yet delivers less than baseball’s Parade of Stars - or at least the stars that feel like showing up, along with the best players on shitty teams that had to be included because of the “one player from every team” rule. Next time you see Scott Cooper, ask him to bring some more rolls to your table.

Every year, WAY too much attention is spent on one of the more useless events in the annual sports calendar, ranking just behind the LPGA Dinah Shore classic and just ahead of the annual Mud Bowl mud football tournament in North Conway, NH (which, actually, is shitloads of fun if you’re wasted). When the most memorable moment in the history of this wretched event is a convicted gambler bowling over a helpless catcher, then the event can be considered “overrated at best.” On behalf of Ray Fosse’s shoulder and the “what the fuck are you doing?” expression on his face just prior to having his life ruined by Charlie Asshole, the MLB All-Star Game can eat a bag of dicks provided by Pete Rose’s bookie.

This year’s All-Star game is especially dick-gobbling due to the fact that it has served to embarrass Jason Varitek and turn him into the answer to the trivia question “what’s the most inexplicable All-Star pick ever that simultaneously exposed the players’ vote as the most uninformed democratic selection since the election of Sonny Bono to Congress?” Look, we know Varitek is having a shitty year. Varitek knows he’s having a shitty year. Varitek’s kids, dog and mailman are all aware of the fact that he’s aged fifteen years over the last three months. But apparently the mouth-breathing dick chompers who play baseball were not made aware of this fact, as they still voted Varitek as an All-Star. Apparently Tom Berenger’s name wasn’t on the ballot.

But it’s not juts the inclusion of Varitek that makes the All-Star Game a veritable sham, as the events surrounding the game are equally useless. Home Run Derbys are generally awesome, especially when they involve me hitting wiffleballs into my neighbor’s yard after spending my afternoon eating barbecued steak tips and drinking cheap beer. But MLB even found a way to ruin that by assigning the insipid Chris Berman to the event. Hey Berman – I hope Huey Lewis remembers to yell “back back back back” while forcing his cock down your throat.

And don’t even get me started on the “genius” idea from shylock car salesman Bud Selig to award World Series homefield advantage to the winner of the All-Star game. I’m a Sox fan and even I found it appalling that the homefield balance in baseball’s championship has been generally determined by some charity case for the Royals getting a fluke single off a Jerry Lewis telethon reject in a Pirates uniform. When Hank fucking Blalock has a direct impact on how the World Series will turn out, then there’s obviously a problem that can only be solved by Bud Selig frying up some Kosher Cock with his gefilte fish. Oh, and if I wanted to watch a tie game, I would’ve put on a beret and watched soccer. Fuck you Allan, you’re no one’s “Bud.”

So when you’re wasting an otherwise fine Tuesday night thinking “oh yeah, this game is actually pretty fucking dumb,” remember who told you first. Midsummer’s Classic? More like Midsummer’s Cockmunch.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Why did you have to drag the good name of Huey Lewis into this?

(Incidentally, Huey is rumored to have a HUUUUGE cock.)

/does not know how he knows this factoid.
/does not want to know
/Sports was a good album
/hey, look over there!

Rocco said...

Whoa whoa whoa. First off, (and yes, I know they all suck), but you're telling me the Pro Bowl or the NBA ASG is better than the MLB ASG? No fucking way pal.

And watch you mouth about one of the greatest players ever. Yes, Pete Rose may be a lying degenerate gambler, but he was one hell of a ball player.

The tie was embarassing, and home fields advantage is a joke. There's plenty wrong with it, but it's still baseball, and that beats football or basketball anyday. We all know hockey is the only sport that counts anyway.

/In Canada at least.
//Not in Canada so...

GHABB,Y~! said...

@Rocco: The Pro Bowl and the NBA ASG are equally useless, but don't receive nearly the hype that the MLB version does. Nobody romanticizes the Pro Bowl, but tons of ink has been wasted on the MLB All-Star game.

As far as Rose, I realize he was a great player, but the Fosse thing was absolutely bush league. It's shocking to me that people praise Rose for basically ruining a guy's career during an exhibition game.

Rocco said...

Ok, I'll concede those points. Because I boycott tWWL, I haven't been subjected to the hype. But you're right.

I understand there are injuries in baseball, but of all the sports, baseball is the one where these guys could really go out there and play hard and put on a show with little risk of injury.

Good talk.