Thursday, June 5, 2008

What this means to me

As someone in his mid-twenties, my exposure to the Celtics' "Glory Days" has come mostly through watching old NBA Films half-hour shows when you're home sick from school, stories from my parents, and Bill Simmons columns which inadvertently jinx the fucking football team. As someone who was literally born with a Larry Bird jersey in his crib, I had personally resigned myself to countless more years of Celtics mediocrity, tempering my expectations, and waiting with bated breath until the draft lottery. My years of Celtics fandom have included names like Michael Smith (the white one), Acie Earl, Dino Radja, Kedrick Brown, That Year of Dominique Wilkins, and, last year, Allan Ray starting actual basketball games. And let's not even talk about losing the Tim Duncan lottery, the death of Reggie Lewis, and Rick "I Hope You Get Raped By A Horse in Louisville You Incompetent Goombah Piece of Shit" Pitino. I love the Celtics with my entire being, but my years of Celtics fandom have left me feeling a little cheated, a lot bitter, and slightly gassy.

Until this year.

For myself, this year has been like winning a contest to sleep with every Vivid Video female talent at the same time. It's like discovering $10,000 in the pocket of your old jeans. It's better than chicken parmesan, Strongbow cider, chocolate, and strippers, or the prospect of an establishment that serves each for a dollar. It's been better than the shit I took after eating 5 pounds of barbecue in one sitting. It's been almost better than a blowjob from a fat drunk girl from Revere, which says a lot, cuz those girlz are hungry. The Celtics have been my team for my entire lifetime, and, to that extent, this season has been absolute tits. Perky, C-cup, Hershey-kiss nippled tits, covered in chocolate and happy.

So when posed with the question "how do you think the C's are going to do in the Finals?" I can only answer with "HOLY FUCKING COCK WE'RE WINNING THE WHOLE THING WHOOO GO FUCKING CELTICS FUCK YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!11!1111!!!!! However, I'll admit that I may be a bit irrational on this subject. Still, 66 wins is 66 wins, and this team has handily defeated every obstacle thrown in its way. They have the two elements necessary for winning a championship - defense and balls - and it's because of those two factors that the logical part of my brain also thinks the C's are winning the Finals. In Seven of course.

However, more importantly, a Celtics Finals win would be, at least to me and roughly five other people in the Greater Boston area (and maybe one declining writer out in LA), bigger than the Red Sox and Patriots wins combined. What C's fans have been through the last twentysomething years(i.e the lifespan of my fandom) has blown what Red Sox and Patriots fans have endured out of the water. Waaah, the Sox lost to the Mets in '86. The Celtics had the Future of the Franchise (and the best college player I've EVER seen) fucking DIE a few months earlier. Patriots have a few shitty seasons? The C's averaged 30 wins over an eight-year span, including the M.L. Carr-piloted 15-67 Epic Fail. Bruins have shitty team leadership? Rick Motherfucking Pitino, bitches. And let's not even discuss Reggie Lewis, or the fact that his salary was kept on the books three years after his death. Not to out-Job other Boston fans, but for the span of my lifetime, being a Celtics fan has been an exercise in misery, heartbreak, and loss.

These playoffs could be the opportunity to exorcise all of those demons, and prompt a celebration on my part that would make Hemingway get out of his grave and give me a high five. Banner 17 or bust, motherfuckers. Banner 17 or bust.


Yablo said...

From the west coast - (it's only 1:15 here - good luck with working in a couple of hours) - Paul Pierce? The Mo†#érfûcking TRUTH!

See you Sunday!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The Truth, indeed. Pierce's return to and subsequent domination of the game last night was one of the most beautiful moments in sports I've ever seen -- and THAT is the motherfucking Truth.