Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Talking To Your Loved Ones About Big Papi's Injury

We here at Mass Hysteria know that you, your children, and your loved ones have many questions about the traumatic and life-altering news of David Ortiz's wrist injury.  And we have answers.  Oh yes, do we have answers.  Read on for all the information you need to make an informed decision about your response to Big Papi's injury.

What is Big Papi's injury?

Big Papi tore the sheath (fascia) that surrounds the tendons that run from the hand to the upper arm, tendons that control the movement of your hand and fingers.  The tendons are bundled along the top and bottom of the wrist by a band of ligament-like material that encircles the area around your wrist.  While swinging during a plate appearance, that sheath partially tore due to the stress of the tendons rising as the hand moved through the swing's motion.  The injury causes a good deal of pain and swelling, and also destabilizes the wrist joint.  Doctors expect the injury to heal itself, although the fascia tissue heals more slowly than muscle tissue or skin (because, like tendons and ligaments, it is a structural tissue).

Is it true that Big Papi's wrist was shattered beyond repair, and that he was immediately euthanized out of sight of the Camden Yards crowd, putting a huge damper on the victory of Big Brown?

No.  You are thinking of former Carol Burnett Show star Harvey Korman.

How long will Big Papi be out?

As noted above, fascia is a slow-healing tissue.  However, Big Papi is fortunate that the fascia band did not sever, as that would have required surgery to stitch it back together, resulting in a down-time of probably something like 3-6 months.  In his case, there is only a "slight" tear according to doctors.  The injury will probably heal to the point where Big Papi can begin to work out with the wrist in about 2-3 weeks.  At that point, doctors will have a better idea whether or not the wrist is strong and stable enough for him to resume playing.  So stay tuned.

Are you willing to stake your life on that analysis?

No.

I went home with a waitress the way I always do.  How was I to know she was with the Russians, too?

I'll send myself, guns, and money.  Apparently your shit has hit the fan.

Who did the Sox call up to replace Big Papi on the roster?

Seriously, if you can't scroll down like A COUPLE OF INCHES  to see the answer to that in Future Mrs.'s post, you need remedial web training.

....

Oh, FINE.   It's Chris Carter, the creator of the X-Files.  Some sort of big promotional deal with Fox for "Fight the Future" or something, I don't know....

So there's no problem with losing a 40HR-100RBI guy in the middle of the lineup, right?

Well...

RIGHT???????

Um....  sure!  No problem at all!

/backs away slowly

Who is going to fill Big Papi's spot in the lineup?

Well, we'll probably see a middle of the lineup like the one that the Sox have frequently used during the past couple of years when Papi wasn't in the lineup -- Youkilis batting third, with Manny fourth (and DHing more often).  

Which means.....

.... that Mike Lowell and J.D. Drew will be on the spot for the next month.  One of the advantages to having the Papi/Manny double whammy was that opposing teams couldn't pitch around both of them, because it was too risky to essentially put two guys on base intentionally.   With Papi gone, teams will probably have less qualms about pitching around Manny.  Unless Lowell and/or Drew start making them pay.  Thankfully, the two of them have been having decent, if unspectacular, seasons.  Lowell probably isn't going to repeat his career year from last year, but he's definitely showing that he can jump on mistake pitches if you don't pay attention.  

Drew, on the other hand, is still a fucking enigma.  You watch the guy swing, and it's like poetry in motion.  He's got the finest sweet lefty swing this side of Ken Griffey, Jr.  On paper, this guy should be hitting .340 with 45HR every damn year.  Why isn't he?  Why hasn't he even come close to that level of consistency?  The talent is there!  In any event, this could be Drew's (possibly final) chance to show that he's the player that his contract implies he is.

I'm not very optimistic.

Well... that comes with the territory, actually.

What about Bronson Brandon Moss?  Why wasn't he called back up?

First, he's not all the way back from his appendectomy yet, apparently.  (Although he's been absolutely murdering the ball this past week, so maybe that doesn't matter.)  Second, I think the organization's opinion of Moss has jumped this year, to the point that they're no longer as willing to call him up and have him get 3 at-bats a week as the sixth outfielder anymore.  They want him playing every day at Pawtucket.   Right now, it's probably better for both him and the team to play Coco more and keep Moss down on the farm.

Same for Jed Lowrie?

He couldn't outhit Kevin Cash when he was up here, so why bring him back?

How would you like it if I kicked you in the balls so hard that your grandchildren would have birth defects?

Please, Future Mrs. Rick Ankiel -- there's a line.  Don't cut ahead of the nice people who have been waiting to ask their questions.

But seriously -- I don't expect to see Lowrie back unless Alex Cora (or Lugo) is injured, because they also probably prefer that he play every day.

I want to live all alone in the desert.  I want to be like Georgia O'Keeffe.

Move to the Upper East Side, and never go down in the street.

Is there anything I can do to help Big Papi on the road to recovery?

Well, you could pray to whatever god or deity you worship.  Or you could send me $20 bills on a weekly basis, which would absolutely speed up the healing process.  And if you're interested, I represent the estate of the former Minister of Defense of Liberia, who died in a car crash....

How do I explain Big Papi's injury to my young children?

I dunno -- jingle some keys or tell them that Pikachu is outside or something.  Tha Pimp don't do shorties, homes.

I have tickets for an upcoming game, and really wanted to see Big Papi.  Will the Red Sox give me a refund for my tickets?

You're serious?  You actually think the Red Sox.... would give you money back.... voluntarily??????

AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH OMFG THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

Just keep having $8.50 beers until the pain goes away.

What the hell ever happened to Kyle Snyder and Bryan Corey?

Snyder is still down at Pawtucket, where he has... not thrived.  Snyder is 1-3 with a 6.28 ERA in 8 appearances (7 starts).  He is still tall.

Corey was traded to the Padres, for whom he is 1-o with a 1.54 ERA in 11 appearances.   How come we don't get players like that?  Meanwhile, Mike Timlin has lowered his ERA to 6.48 and his WHIP to 1.74.....

I'm Gorilla.  What am I?

A desperado.

What makes you such a friggin' expert about wrist injuries?  Or the Red Sox, for that matter?  Aren't you just some dilettante writer wanna-be who composes this self-masturbatory crap in the pathetic belief that people actually care about your thoughts on the Red Sox?  I mean, how fucking delusional are you?

Um..... hey look, it's Pikachu!

/runs 

3 comments:

Tuffy said...

Pika!

... how did I get here? Where's my pants?

Pepster said...

"myself, guns and money". Brilliant!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

OY!

This is so far from over.