1. Derrick Rose – CHI – If Rose is Chris Paul Version 2.0, then who gets to play the David West Memorial “frontcourt guy whose stats become inflated due to a superior point guard? I'm thinking Aaron Gray. And why in God’s name did they let Stephen A. Smith do the personal interviews again? It makes no sense to reward these kids, on the happiest day of their young lives, by being yelled at by a retarded man.
2. Michael Beasley – MIA – Look kids, the next Derrick Coleman, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Maybe it’s just cause I don’t trust a guy who always looks like he’s sleeping. Also, I 'm glad to see that New Era is rolling out the “Hideous Collection” of hats this year. Meanwhile, Pat Riley looks like his cat just died.
3. OJ Mayo – MIN – Now playing the role of OJ Mayo: Farnsworth Bentley, minus the umbrella. Seriously though, this guy’s going to be an absolute star, especially now that he can start accepting financial gifts without fear of NCAA recourse.
4. Russell Westbrook – SEA – This pick was dumber than a retard bus going backwards on a one-way road. It was dumber than Lamar Odom in reading class. It was dumber than the plot to the new Indiana Jones movie. With the fourth pick, you probably should get someone who can shoot or dribble, especially if he’s going to be playing the point. It’s like they’re purposefully trying to give Kevin Durant a heart attack before he turns 25.
5. Kevin Love – MEM –My roommate just saw Love and said “hey, look, K-Fed.” So he’s got that going for him. Brian Cardinal has also gotta be fucking psyched that he has someone to go to the movies with. As opposed to Mike Conley and Rudy Gay, who will spend the rest of the season screaming “catch up motherfucker!”
6. Danilo Gallinari – NYK – AHAHAHAHAHA. Knicks fans are shitting all over Big Cock, and he made it even worse by stumbling through his interview. Here’s hoping that Gallinari embraces the boos and turns into a 70’s style foreign wrestling villain, singing the Italian national anthem while attempting to spit on the US flag. There’s an 83% chance he’ll be mugged within the next two weeks.
7. Eric Gordon – LAC – Nice to see that the kid who played Webster is going back to Los Angeles, no matter how much Stephen A. tries to convince us that he’s a “bad man.” Yeah, bad for a first grader. And between Gordon, Al Thornton and Corey Maggette jacking up shots, Elton Brand may be currently filming a hostage video to get himself out of LA.
8. Joe Alexander – MIL – I wasn’t sure about this pick, until I saw someone holding a sign that said “Joe Alexander – Vanilla Sky.” God, I really don’t ask much of you, but can you please make this nickname stick?
9. D.J. Augustin – CHA – Huh? I know Raymond Felton isn’t exactly a world-beater, but a 5-10 guard isn’t exactly what this team needs. Michael Jordan must have bet someone that he could fuck up a team worse than the Wizards. Though I must say, it is funny to see Brook Lopez cry like he’s watching one of his hundreds of Disney movies.
10. Brook Lopez – NJN – Nenad Kristic, Josh Boone, DeSagana Diop, Yi Jianlan, Sean Williams and now Lopez? It’s like the Nets are purposefully accumulating players over 6-10 who possess little to no ability to score a basket in the NBA. Good luck with alllll that.
11. Jerryd Bayless – IND – Bayless is a great value pick, and he can sit behind TJ Ford and learn the position until the time comes when Ford falls on his head again and becomes John Graziano. Bayless’s all-white ensemble is also our leader in the clubhouse for Suit of the Night. NOTE later traded to Portland
12. Jason Thompson – SAC – A bit of a stretch here, as the Kings probably could have traded down ten or so spots and still picked up Thompson. He’s big, strong, and may get stabbed by Ron Artest. By the way, Rider’s most famous alumni: Digger Phelps.
13. Brandon Rush – POR – If Kansas loses the national championship game, Rush is a second-rounder. Let’s hope he doesn’t drink himself out of the league like his brother JaRon. Good thing nobody’s ever picked up a substance habit in Portland. NOTE later traded to Indiana
14. Anthony Randolph – GS – It’s nice to see the Warriors reach out to the country’s anorexics by picking Randolph. Dude makes Manute Bol look like Oliver Miller.
15. Robin Lopez – PHO – Shaq’s going to dunk on this guy so much during practice that he may actually be able to tell us exactly how Shaq’s ass tastes. A horrifically stupid pick, especially with Donte’ Green on the board. Mama Lopez looks like every elementary school art teacher ever.
16. Marreese Speights – PHI – Speights goes to the GREATEST UNIVERSITY EVER, WAAAY BETTER THAN YOURS though I’ll admit I could be somewhat biased. (You guys are going to absolutely hate my Gator-centrism during football season) Speights’ potential is absolutely off the charts, and if his nasty habit of sometimes “being really fucking lazy” can be broken, the Sixers will have themselves a helluva power forward. Worst case, he’s better Jason Smith or Shavlik Randolph.
17. Roy Hibbert – IND – Hey, look kids, it’s the black Bryant Reeves! That should go well.
18. JaVale McGee – WAS – McGee has a 7-6 wingspan, which means he can high-five two people who are standing very far away from each other. I just asked, and my girlfriend won’t let me name our first child “JaVale.”
19. J.J. Hickson – CLE – “Must Improve: Work Ethic.” Sure, because that'll keep LeBron in Cleveland past 2010.
20. Alexis Ajinca – CHA – This guy couldn’t average more than five points per game in the French league. Charlotte had two picks in the first round, and somehow made their team worse. Thank God that Diabetic Counterculture Hero Adam Morrison will be making his triumphant return this year, leading to the Bobcats to victory that will in no way involve premature tears. And that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I own two Morrison jerseys.
21. Ryan Anderson – NJN – This guy looks like the entire starting five for Lynnfield High. the way, this was the Mavs’ pick from the Jason Kidd trade. Has a trade ever negatively affected both teams involved as much as that one? Also, Darrell Arthur’s mother should not be wearing that shirt – it’s like her arms just went swimming. Speaking of sweat, my taint was just registered as national wetland.
22. Courtney Lee – ORL – Lee is the fourth player with a girl’s name to be selected tonight, behind Brook, Robin and Alexis. Actually, he may be the fifth, as I’m not sure what the hell “Danilo” means, or whether “Marreese” is actually gender-neutral.
23. Kosta Koufous – UTA – In the fine tradition of Greg Ostertag and Mark Eaton, Koufous will fill the role of “awkward and immobile Jazz center.” He also looks like he’s 12 years old, which is roughly the fifth time I’ve seen a player’s picture tonight and thought “wait, how the hell is he old enough to be drafted by the NBA.” God I feel old.
24. Serge Ibaka – SEA - The last basketball player I remember being named Serge was former UNC center Serge Zwikker, who was Dutch and useless. This Serge is from the Congo, so I don’t think they’re related.
25. Nicolas Batum – HOU – JESUS CHRIST THEY ALL LOOK LIKE CHILDREN! AND ITS MAKING ME HATE MYSELF. This one happens to be a French child with no handle that happens to play the same position as Tracy McGrady. Chances are we won’t be seeing him in the US until he’s at least old enough to grow facial hair.
26. George Hill – SAS – Nice to see someone from IUPUI drafted in the first round. If you turn IUPUI into a word, it sounds like “Eweey-Pooey.”
27. Darrell Arthur – POR – Apparently he has some sort of kidney problem, which may be related to his mother’s sweaty giant arm problem. ESPN mentioned that she was a truck driver, but they happened to forget that she was also the World’s Strongest Man:
28. Donte’ Green – MEM – Not to be confused with former Celtic Dontae’ Jones. That Dontae’ set the bar by playing 15 games in his career, but this Donte’ may be slightly better.
29. D.J. White – DET – Between Jason Maxiell, Antonio McDyess, Rasheed Wallace and now White, the Pistons have won the award for “frontcourt you’d least like to make angry under any circumstances.” Joe Dumars isn’t building a team, he’s building a bodyguard rotation.
30. J.R. Giddens – BOS – Giddens already has something in common with Paul Pierce – both were stabbed outside of bars. Giddens apparently a giant douchebag and was kicked off of two separate college basketball teams, so I suggest they immediately lock him in a room with KG and let Garnett beat the shit out of him until he promises to behave.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a taint to air out.