Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Dear Sir, Eat a Bag of Dicks: Randy Newman

That’s right. Randy Newman, relatively obscure 80s musical warbler and composer of shitty soundtracks, I demand you remove your dentures and soft-chew a bag of man-meat. In fact, your shitty singing makes me think that there’s already a dick in your mouth, so another bag of phalli wouldn’t be much of a change. While I could cite your hackneyed observational songwriting style as the reason for my charge, there is only one example I need for my current vitriol:

“I Love L.A.” Fuck you, and fuck that song.

First of all, name-dropping cities in songs is a cheap cop-out reserved for Little River Band shows at the Cape Cod Melody Tent (OMGZ HE SAID BOSTON IN THE SONG! THAT’S OUR CITY!), but to dedicate an entire song to how much you love one particular town is just so….Gene Simmons. It’s almost as lazy a songwriting tactic as, say, writing about short people. Oh, wait, you did that too. I know what your next song should be about though: eating dicks.

Second of all, and most pertinent to this column, I hate Los Angeles. It’s corrupted Bill Simmons and Jay Leno, and made Ben Affleck even lamer. It gave us actors with complicated names like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, C. Thomas Howell and Ed Begley Jr. It cursed the world with musicians like Mickey Dolenz and Coolio. It is at least partially responsible for “Jingle All the Way,” which is the worst movie ever made. It houses Alton Brown, who is the only man my girlfriend would ever leave me for (though, conversely, it is also the home of Rilo Kiley’s Jenny Lewis, a tender siren sent from the gods to serenade my heartstrings). Ryan Seacrest is the most popular radio DJ there. Ryan. Seacrest. I rest my case.

Also, your town sucks because you couldn’t sell out Wrestlemania VII. Sure, Vince McMahon said that the event had to be moved from the L.A. Coliseum to the much smaller Sports Arena because of “bomb threats,” but he’s literally a professional liar. The real reason that WrestleMania VII had to downgrade is because your city sucks, and can’t even fill up a stadium for the Ultimate Warrior-Randy Savage retirement match (which kicked ass by the way).

But most of all Randy Newman, I hate L.A. because of your sports teams. Let’s look aside the fact that you couldn’t even support an NFL team, even though fucking JACKSONVILLE has a team. Jacksonville. Seriously. And I won’t even delve into the fact that the Pe-Tard Carroll-led USC has all its players on payroll, or that UCLA couldn’t get by my Mighty Fucking Gators in two straight NCAA tournaments. Or that the Clippers, the worst franchise in sports, call L.A home.

No, the sports team I hate the most about L.A. is most certainly, without question, the Lakers. I have been bred to hate the Lakers since birth, and it leaves me elated that I will get the chance to actively do so for the next two weeks. I hate that West Virginia cousinfucker Jerry West for being all bow-legged on the NBA logo. I hate Wilt Chamberlain for banging 19,990 more women than me. I hate Magic Johnson for ruining my childhood, and will never attend one of his movie theaters or catch HIV in protest. I hate Mychal Thompson for spelling his name like a kindergartner with Fragile X syndrome. I hate tall people in goggles, be they black like Kareem or white and awkward like Rambis. I hate Phil Jackson and his stupid soul patch. I hate Ronny Turiaf’s dancing, Luke Walton’s curly hair and Lamar Odom’s lack of ability to read. Most of all, I hate Kobe, that maladjusted egotistical whiny rapist fuck.

It will be joyous, therefore, to watch the Lakers lose these Finals to my beloved Celtics, whom I love with the same fervor that I hate Paris Hilton, another L.A. native. I can only hope, however, that as the Celtics hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy for winning the Finals, you hoist another “trophy” of sorts: a bag of dicks. Maybe you can even write a shitty song about it.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Hmm. I might have to do a response post to this....

Anonymous said...

Um... you do know Randy was being ironic in "I Love LA" and almost everything he did, right? Talk about missing the point.