Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Breakfast With the Hysterics

Guess I'll be your substitute teacher today while HazelMaesLandingStrip makes gimp bracelets and learns the doggy paddle. Indubitably!

*Haren defeats Beckett in Battel of Pitching Empire. Pussy-Tearin Haren (let's see you fuckers come up with a name for the guy, and don't give me D-Har either) allowed two hits over seven innings, as the Diamondbacks upped their alltime record at Fenway Park to 4-0. Which would be of concern if they didn't play in the NL West and we saw them more than once every six years. Of greater concern was the fact that Captain Underbite took a ball off the face during warmpus and had to leave the game, forcing Bronson Moss to play first for the last four innings. I'd make fun of Youkilis, but I suffered a similar injury during my baseball career. However, I was eight years old at the time, and the giant wad of Big League Chew in my cheek softened the blow. Moral of this story: Youk should fill his mishapen maw with shredded bubble gum out of a pouch.

*Former genie Shaquille O'Neal was filmed dropping some mad phat beat rhymez (can you tell that I don't listen to much rap?) on Most Valuable Rapist Kobe Bryant. I would pay $29.99 per month for a television station that just filmed Shaq 24 hours a day. There is no cooler athlete on the planet, at least now that Wilt Chamberlain's penis has died. "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes." Pure poetry.

*Don Imus said something racist. Again. Vince McMahon staged his own death. Again. An annoying ex-NY Giant was hired by a television network. Again. Wow, wake me when something unique happens.


A Pimp Named DaveR said...

Great Blue Haren?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

At the camp I went to, we learned the doggy... oh, never mind.