Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Breakfast with the Hysterics



So, like, WTF is going on with the Sox?

* DISHONOR!!! Tim Wakefield and Jeremy Guthrie (whom I did decide to play in my fantasy league last night, in case you were losing sleep about that) both pitched solidly, and the Sox were able to pull ahead with a 3-2 lead off an RBI single from Mike Lowell in the top o’ the eighth. But THEN [cue cheesy music from Japanese horror movie] Duh duh duhhhhhh… in came Hideki Okajima to, well… what’s the opposite of “save the day?” Okajima let up a whole mess of hits to Baltimore and the Sox were ultimately vanquished by a monster 3-run double off the bat of hot O’s rookie Adam Jones. [cue poorly-dubbed screaming] AIEEEEEEEEEE! Okajima’s been struggling all year: he’s struck out 21 over 25.2 innings, but has also allowed 21 hits. Um, not cool, brah. Maybe you need to like feng shui your necklaces or some junk.

* Just when you thought there could be nothing as depressing as a loss at Camden Yards, here comes even worse news: The Large Father himself, David Ortiz, has been placed on the 15-day DL and will most likely be out for a month after an MRI revealed that he has a partially torn sheath on one of his tendons in his left wrist. As I understand it, a sheath is kind of like a condom, and torn condoms are bad news. BOO! What this will mean for the Sox lineup is unclear as of yet; it’s possible that Brandon Moss will be summoned from Pawtucket, but personally I’d like to see Francona use Manny as the DH and get Crisp, Ellsbury, and Drew all in the outfield together. More news on this to come… for now, let us all observe a moment of silent reflection together.

[silence]

[silence]

* Manny Ramirez, at least, is still on a tear; he clobbered his 502nd career home run last night. That makes his 12th round-tripper of the year and gives him 3 over the last 4 games. Based strictly on that sample size I’d say he’s on pace to hit, oh, 121 home runs this year. Sweet!

UPDATED ADDITION DUE TO INFLUX OF ANGRY MESSAGES FROM FELLOW MASS HYSTERICS:

* Hazel Mae is leaving NESN. This is, like, sad and stuff. She was really good at sitting on the edge of her desk and making up terms like "earnies" for earned runs. No word yet on where The Haze is heading... Will she leave us for the greasy embrace of New York television like Tina Cervasio? Will she, I don't know, pursue her dream of opening up a bakery that sells erotic pastries? Eh, sure, why not.

2 comments:

Hazel Maes Landing Strip said...

Where is your take on Hazel? For some people (mainly me) this was bigger news then the injury to Large Father.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Sweetie, allow me to make myself perfectly clear.

[ahem]

I have not ever, nor do I, nor WILL I at any point, give a flying shit about Hazel Mae.

End of story.